Why do all dogs hate the mailman?

My dogs are...idiots. One is deaf and the other is stupid, so neither listen to me. But they're total marshmallows. The least vicious pit-mixes you've ever met. They just want to be loved. A combined total of 140 LBS of lap dogs.

About 3 years ago, my house was robbed while I was at work. I was traumatized, but the dogs were fine. I'm sure they thought whoever was breaking in was here to bring them treats. But if you're on my front porch, they HATE you. As long as you're not in the house, it's pit bull mohawk time. Barking and frothing at the mouth. Once one foot is in the door, they just want to sniff your butt.

While guests are greeted with teeth and loudness, the one person that's most hated is the mailman. Both dogs freak out when they see the blue-suited mail carrier wander up to the mailbox. I keep meaning to leave a not apologizing for their behavior on the porch. I'm not alone on this one. Every other dog owner I know claims that the mailman is the most hated by even the most docile dogs.

So, what happens when your dog can't see the mailman? How do they chase/menace government employees if they're blind? Apparently, a guide goose is the way to go. Totally not kidding.

Maybe, I can get one of the rats living in my back yard to teach my dogs to sit. Hmm, probably not.

Being unemployed sucks.

Not so much due to the lack of dough, but really due to the utter boredom. I've been out of a job since 3/24/2011, and I can't reorganize my sock drawer enough times, or suck up any more Law & Order on TV. I could probably paint some stuff to sell. I could volunteer. But that requires effort. Blargh.

So, the hundreds of applications I've sent out have gone unanswered. So far. And I'm thinking I need to lower my standards: drop from CareerBuilder to Craigslist. Double-blargh.

I wonder where this guy is posting? I'd be down for some time travel. Have gun, willing to relocate.

Honey Badger

Very informative. If you don't know, then now you know.

What are you drinking?

Or more specifically, "who?" Several documentaries over the last 10 years or so have exposed the fact that most of the food we consume can be tied back to only 4 or 5 major companies, and is ultimately WAY over processed (read: "more disgusting than advertised"). Notably, Food Inc, Fast Food Nation, and Super Size Me exposed a lot of what goes on in the food industry.

But what about the beverage industry? We (well, mostly Americans) slug Diet Coke like it's water, pound down bottled water with reckless abandon, and drink things called "juice" that don't actually contain anything mildly resembling fruit. Where does it come from?

This info graphic (click link for a large version) reveals who's manufacturing your sipping supplies.

This roller coaster is killer!

No, really. By slowly, gracefully, and euphorically depriving your brain of oxygen, the design by Julijonas Urbonas (Bless us Lugens!) is designed to "humanely" euthanize the rider.

Don't expect this one at your local Six Flags, but I do predict a surge of amusement parks popping up next to prisons.

Load up your basket

It's time for Easter again. Spring cotton dresses, chocolate bunnies, that green "Easter grass" stuff that gets absolutely everywhere, and colored eggs hidden in the yard. And the best part about Easter: Peeps! Oh, and some stuff about Jesus.

Peeps, while delicious on their own, are also fun. My brother, when he was little, used to call them "Chicken Sugar." An apt description for the Spring snack. One of my favorite activities this time of year is "Peep Wars": put 2 Peeps on a plate, facing each other, arm each of them with a toothpick, and toss them in the microwave on high for a minute. The one that doesn't explode, wins.

But the Washington Post has found a more productive use for Peeps: the Annual Peep Diorama Contest. In which, people use Peeps to depict famous scenes and people. Enjoy!

The way to a man's heart...

...is definitely through his stomach. (Well, and other regions slightly south of there.) Clearly, the way to *my* heart is through my cholesterol.

Step-by-step instructions on how to make bacon roses, sure to win over any Baconista. And absolve you of just about anything you could have conceivably done wrong.

Sigh.

Hacienda with class

There are many creative, out-of-the-box ways to spruce up your crib: paper lamps, crazy metal sculptures, unusual furniture, bizarre art.

One of the most neglected rooms in your abode, at least as far as decorating decisions, is the bathroom. Which is ironic, considering how much "personal" time you spend in there. You'd think we'd be driven to make the loo the most interesting room in the house.

So, the fine folks at Terra Artesana have solved your problem. Put some class under your ass.

This one is called "Caliente."

The most useful chart you will ever read

I have no regrets. No, seriously! Everything I have ever screwed up or grossly botched in some way has served as a learning experience. Whether relationships or jobs or family issues, I think I stand on solid ground. But if I could prioritize the things in my life that still kinda got under my skin, this chart would absolutely cover it.

And I thought Amazon was the epicenter of online shopping...

Well, I have been proven wrong. While I can get just about everything I want on Amazon.com, including weapons grade uranium, there are some items that warrant their own place on the Internet.

There are places with even more necessities on the web:

Think Geek! - nerdery, geeketry, dorktasia, and weirdo gear abound.

Neato Shop - "Neat" doesn't even begin to cover the crazy, "who the hell thought of that" items in this online store.

Threadless - You've never had a shirt this cool. In fact, the shirt may be cooler than you.

Perpetual Kid - The best place on the Internet to squander your allowance.

Archie McFee - Home of the Jesus Action Figure. 'Nuff said.

And finally, Stupid.com - the name says it all.

While these sites don't offer the "Prime" program that Amazon does, they're definitely worth a look.

Holy house

Being a homeowner has been a non-stop roller coaster. From the joy of knowing I will always have a place to live, no matter what happens, to the abject horror of watching my dining room ceiling come crashing down and realizing I have no landlord to call about it.

I've always had a fantasy about buying a gas station or commercial building and rehabbing it into a single family home. But after getting in to my house (4 years ago) and discovering how much I dislike even painting walls, that dream has flown. Plus rehabbing is expensive! Just taking out a wall cost me like 10 car payments.

Well, these folks are clearly better off than I. And more dedicated and ambitious. They took a church and turned it into a striking, modern abode. I'm totally J...

Might be moving to Venezuela

They have jungles, beaches, diamonds, rivers, a reasonable GDP, and the "most gifted" men in the world. See how your country stacks up with this interactive map.

While one of the most urbanized countries in South America, it's also the wang capital of the Western Hemisphere. Excellent excuse to learn Spanish.

Not sure how to feel about this...

Creativity, athleticism, and taxidermy collide. I'm baffled, and disturbed. And curious in that "train wreck" kind of way. Who's bored enough to put this together?

Oh. Em. Gee. Teh cuteness.

I usually try to keep my blog posts to things ironic, ridiculous, and useful in the most specific situations. But today, I was introduced to the most amazingly cute thing I have ever seen: Basset Hounds running.

Not only are they sweet dogs in general, they're also hysterically floppy. These photos are evidence. My "Meep!" meter is on high right now...

Amateur Night 2011

Tomorrow is the big day. The day when everyone in the US ties on too many green beers in celebration of some guy that may have alleviated a snake problem 1000s of miles away. The one day of the year where a serious drinking problem will go largely unnoticed. St. Patrick's Day.

While the historical significance of March 17th is up for debate, the social significance is irrefutable: get wasted. I wouldn't be surprised if national productivity takes a sharp down turn on March 18th.

A few hints that will keep you out of trouble tomorrow:

1. Pinch me. I fucking dare you. How will that green shirt look with a black eye?

2. Avoid calling midgets "leprechauns." This is never acceptable.

3. Beer is not supposed to be green. Don't be fooled by the festiveness.

4. Just because you drank up the courage to talk to that hot girl in the shamrock pasties, doesn't mean that you should try to muster the courage to drive home.

5. Ladies: keep it in check. Gingers are not okay.

6. Don't be a jackass. Tip your bartender VERY well for putting up with this foolishness. And if you don't, don't be surprised when he/she rips those shamrock antenna off your head and jams them in your eye.

Personally, I will be getting myself schnockered at home. Not willing to brave the roads with the hoards of geniuses bar-hopping against snakes, or celebrating the invention of whiskey, or whatever else.

Good luck out there. Be safe.

Well, nuts. I missed it again.

Yesterday was Pi Day. (3/14) Millions of nerds all over the world got drunk in their Pi gear, and I stayed home and watched crappy TV.

Here's some Pi gear for your entertainment. Kinda loving the Pi bowl...

Man's VERY best friend

Dogs provide comfort, and companionship, and love. From the tiniest Chihuahua to the largest Great Dane, they're like little space heaters in the winter and your best confidantes when you're sad and no one gets it. And even when they crap in the dining room, you can't help but love their little, fuzzy selves.

I have two pit mixes that are like my kids. I would sell my house to keep them healthy, even though they drive me nuts.

So, perhaps we can make our best friends, although some may be dumb as a sack of hammers, super useful. If I can teach them to open the fridge and re-load, I would see them in a very different light. "Sit" is pretty tough, so I'm not holding my breath.

Home defense

Some opt for guns, others opt for ADT, but what do you do when that isn't enough? When a hoard of zombies start flowing through your bedroom window, what do you do?

Designer James McAdam has the solution. Not only is it a stylish bed-side table, it's also a weapon of zombie destruction.

Remember: aim for the head.

Oh no you din't...

Ooh, girl. This site's tragic.

Cholesterol vs. Food

I HATE the "Man vs. Food" guy. Only in America can you make a career of being a complete glutton AND get your own, highly rated TV show. I give the guy another 10 years before his face-stuffing fame catches up with his body and he has an emergency bypass.

So, if you have ambitions of becoming the next TV taster with a death wish, here are 83 ideas, listed by state, to get you started. Sadly, Memphis's own "Kooky Kanuck" is not on the list despite the gut busting "Great Kookamonga" challenge that gets you immortalized in photo in their entryway.

President's Day!

Today is President's Day! What does that mean to you? Unless you work at a bank of have a kid, absolutely nothing.

Technically, it's actually Washington's birthday.

Learn some more about the presidents, courtesy of The Noah Ginex Puppet Company.

Damn you, Auto Correct!

If you don't know, then now you know. This is hysterical and has totally happened to me.

I asked a friend if she got smooched on New Years Eve, and somehow my iPhone decided that I was asking her if she got "anointed" instead. (Which probably be a valid question too...)

What to do with your tax return

Got a hefty tax return this year? Government cash burning a hole in your pocket? A Segway too nerdy for your freaky circus taste in transportation?

Try the Solowheel. Get all the attention you never knew you wanted.

Special panties for when your Aunt comes to town

One afternoon, I was helping set up for an event later that evening, and wasn't feeling great. My friend, let's call her Kathy, asked me what was wrong.

"Ugh," I said, while rubbing my abdomen, "My 'Aunt's' in town..."

"Really?" she said, "how long will she be here?" I raised an eyebrow, and said, "3 to 5 days..."

Kathy then asked,"Is she from Chicago too?"

I responded, "yes, technically. Um, Kathy, I'm on my period."

The lightbulb went off: "Oh! THAT 'Aunt.'"

So rather than try to be coy about why you want to rip your uterus out with a spoon, or why you've been crying at every sad puppy on TV, just put it all on the table. Er, on your drawers.

No more avoiding answering "why aren't you in the mood?" from the BF. He'll get the picture real quick.

What's a hoe?

"Immoral pleasure seeker"? Or "long handled garden tool."?

You be the judge.

This car runs like crap

Or rather runs ON crap. No shit. (Well, actually 70 flushes worth of shit.)

You can get 10,000 miles (a year or so) of power on 70 #2s in the "Bio-Bug." So if you haven't reduced your carbon footprint enough, reduce your methane footprint too. Feel like a real eco-big shot with a BM powered Bug.

Happy VD, kids

Valentines have evolved over the years, from handmade hearts, to store bought cards with the Thundercats on them, to snarky e-cards.

This year tell your loved ones that they're loved on Facebook, because actually creating and mailing a card is way too much trouble.

NPR will help. Mee-yow.

REALLY bad romance

Lady Gaga is creepy. There's really no denying it. From bizarre videos to that meat suit, and scads of terrible interviews. She ain't no peach.

But some of her songs are shockingly introspective. Assuming you can understand the lyrics. Fortunately, there are heaps of covers on YouTube. Some faves include:

Lissie

Der Rudy

Julian

Beatboxin' Chicks

Brett Domino

On the Rocks

However, creepy has been taken to a new level by a group of old, fat, Russian dudes. Covering Lady Gaga. This is just too much to handle.

This is why dogs bite people

My mother dresses her 120-LB German Shepherd. And decided a while back to send me a sweater for one of my dogs. Not only does it take a solid 20 minutes to wrestle a pit bull into a sweater, the pink argyle wasn't really fitting. Plus she was miserable. It was tragic. (But kinda funny.)

At least I don't paint my puppies. That's a special kind of crazy.

The talentless of the world are in mourning

It's official - Rock and Roll is dead. Or rather "Guitar Hero" is dead.

Due to licensing costs (than you, Axel Rose), the franchise is disbanding. Customer support will continue to explain that you need to plug the damn thing in for it to work, but otherwise, the parent company, Activision, is dunzo.

In other news, Techno is also dead. Adios "DJ Hero" too.

There's an app for that too

I recently caved and became an iPerson. I have an app for every conceivable situation: tracking receipts, hunting for deals, fining cheap gas, even getting out of a bad date. (The app is called: "Save Me." I recommend.)

These tiny mobile devices are at the forefront of a convenience revolution. No need to call in that prescription, or use a phone book. Just break out your smartphone and handle your business.

So, what's missing? Obvs: a confession app. Too busy playing Angry Birds to get to church on Sunday morning? Confess your darkest sins via iPhone. An excellent companion to the Vatican's YouTube channel, the simply named "Confession" app ("iSinned"?) has been been given the Papal blessing for use.

Repenting was never this easy. But this totally begs the question: who are you confessing to? A priest or an iPhone? Communication between you and your religious rep is privileged, communication between you and your iPhone is not. I see a Law & Order episode in our future...

Budget cuts

The economy has hit everyone hard. Foreclosures are through the roof, unemployment tops 10% in most states, and companies are down-sizing like mad. Top level people are getting axed, with no prospects, and bottom level folks are still scrambling to find something stable.

So in today's tough economic climate, how to companies cut costs? More lay-offs? No, you deplete your much-needed, thread-bare work force. More service cuts? No, you can't possibly be any less accommodating than you already are. Cut your customer service staff? While they tend to be the largest department, haven't you ever wondered why?

Here's the way to cut the overhead: mobile offices. Not just "work-from-home" employees, but *totally* mobile offices. While you may need a box truck to move them, you can set up an office anywhere. Why rent space when you can build space on the spot?

Black Monday

Yup, it's upon us again: Valentine's day. Your florist and your local greeting card supplier are jazzed as hell, but the average person (whether in a relationship, or single) is not excited. Amplified expectations, and financial commitments to badass gifts make February 14th a pain in the butt for everyone.

So where do you get the most affordable, awesome V-Day gift? From me. :)

Get a custom painting of your kids, your favorite rock star, your pets, whatever's clever.

It's freaking cold

Even here in Memphis, we're getting snow. Which is pretty unusual, even for early February.

But for our 34 degrees there are people that have it worse. Take New Hampshire for instance, they're at negative 34. While in Memphis you can boil an egg on the pavement in August, apparently you can freeze a bubble in February in NH.

"American Psycho" meets American Icon

Barbie has been everything from an astronaut, to the President, to a homemaker with a corvette and sick condo. She's even been revamped to better model an *actual* woman. Although, it's still pretty far off...

While her resume reads like she doesn't know what she doesn't know what she wants to do, she's a fixture of American pop culture. Like it or not, Barbie's not going anywhere.

Nor is Christian Bale. I guess. So, artist Mariel Clayton has meshed America's sweetheart, and "American Psycho" (probably unintentionally) to create "Serial Killer Barbie." These photos are not only stunning, but also disturbing. Just like me.

Necessity is the mother of invention

And the border patrol is cracking down. So if you don't want to dig a 50 mile tunnel between Mexico and Arizona, the thought of suffering for hours in the back of a rail container isn't too appealing, and you're tired of filling balloons full of drugs and jamming them somewhere uncomfortable, what do you do?

How do you get your drugs across the border into the US, where teenagers are willing to pay beaucoup premiums for your shwag? Easy! Catapult. Drug smuggling gets medieval.

Panda buzzkill

Pandas are big, smushy, fuzzy bundles of love. Until one mauls you, of course.

But pandas have secrets. Pandas are prohibitionists. Or at least this panda is.

What a jerk. Stupid panda.

SOBEaR v02 :: the responsible robot bartender from j saavedra on Vimeo.

I really didn't need to know that

Young parents are an interesting breed. Especially young, urban parents. They make their own baby food, they have organic cloth diapers, they're comfortable discussing bowel movements (both the child's and their own) in large groups of strangers.

Young, urban, *tech-savvy* parents are able to make you uncomfortable even when you're not around them. It's an amazing skill. Suddenly your Facebook is inundated with photos of squishy babies (100s of them!) and "adorable" vomit photos.

So, there is a site dedicated to such disturbing photos: STFU Parents. Genius.

Prime example: poop skating.

Presidential cleaning supplies

Whaddya want to bet Barack is actively using this in the Lincoln bathroom?

Dining room lighting gone WILD.

I had a horrifying ordeal over my totally stunning dining room chandelier. (Read about it here...there are 2 lengthly posts regarding my deep hatred for Home Depot.)

It took months to track down a chandelier that I loved, in my price point. But I'm kinda disappointed that I didn't find this company when I was chandelier shopping. I would be really interested to see what house guests would have to say about a giant wang hanging over my delightful, French country table.

Time for a career change?

Working at home has always been a dream of mine. The flexibility to work in jammies and set my own schedule would be my dream. But if I can work, not only from home, but from bed (sans jammies), I would be over the moon.

So how to I apply for this job?

Gesundheit!

A good, solid sinus infection can put me out of commission for days. Between the fever, and the face pain, and what remains of my gray matter leaking vigorously from my nose, I can't function.

But for all the madness that has exited my nose, one thing I've never honked into a tissue is a bullet.

Apparently, a NYE celebration gone awry found Darco Sangermano shot in the head. Despite a splitting headache, he reported that he felt "okay." The bullet lodged itself in his nasal cavity after passing through his right temple. Shortly after his arrival at the hospital, he sneezed the bullet out.

I'm pretty sure sneezing a bullet is even luckier than a NYE kiss.

Sincere comics

Don't you wish there was someone who will tell it like it is? Someone who's not going to sugar-coat how life works? I'm not talking about Anderson Cooper here, folks. I'm talking about the totally brilliant Natalie Dee.

Observe the magic of her insight below.

Eat it, Michael Flatley.

Years ago, I was an Irish dancer. It was incredibly hard work. Especially during the St. Patrick's Day parade. Imagine skipping at top extension (for lack of a better way to express it) for 2 straight miles, meanwhile stopping every quarter mile to do a complete, 3 minute, high-energy dance in front of some media booth. Also: our costumes were easily 40 LBS of wool and embroidery. This was not a cool experience.

When "Riverdance" came out, I was pissed. This Michael Flatley dude made it look like all smiles and vigorous flailing. Like ballet but with smiles and more masculine outfits. This was not the Irish dancing I learned and destroyed my hip joints for. How dare he take this marshmallowy dance and make a bazillion dollars on it, when I sacrificed my love of dance to nurse stupid injuries.

So this tickles me to no end. Riverdance...? Try "Potty Dance."

Neckwear, pants-wear, same diff

I think that heart bypass patients refer to their chest scars as "zippers," so what an amazing gift for the cholesterolly challenged in your life: a real, honest-to-goodness zipper. Or an excellent pres for that ironic hipster in your life, 'cause you know they're into weird crap like this.

Aww. This is totally the dynamic I'm looking for.

So, lately, I've been (as I like to put it) "aggressively dating." I've met some really spectacular men, some real duds, and some guys I don't really want to talk to but wouldn't mind seeing again, if you get my meaning.

Over the last few months, I've discovered what I really need in a mate. Someone with the specific sense of whimsy that I lack, someone who's secure in their life/goals, and someone with a really big, throbbing.....brain.

So when I tripped across this, I was totally jealous. I would love to come home from work and find this note taped to my fridge. Send me your single, male friends with Nerf guns. Swoon.

Pigs are flying, hell is under 20 degrees

It has happened, she did it, she "wrote" something.

Ladies and Gentlemen, much to everyone's dismay, Snooki has gotten more unnecessarily famous by writing a Jersey romance novel. Although it's slightly less reprehensible than "The Situation's" self-help guide to douche-baggery, the fact remains, everyone can get a book deal, except me.

Not that I'm actively looking to write a book, or anywhere in the process of doing so. But I keep wondering how such vapid, plastic people keep getting famous, when there are perfectly sane people like myself, with valid insights to share and no one willing to listen. Maybe if I was orange.

Direct quote from the book: "In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."

I think I have to go puke now.

Pull up your damn pants

Only in Memphis do you get shot in the ass, (in an extraordinary moment of irony,) for sagging your pants too low. Fortunately the illin', ill dressed teen survived the incident.

Drop it like it's 2011

Every city has its own NYE tradition: the ball drop in New York, million dollar fireworks in Chicago, Pennsylvania's giant Peep drop, a giant peach in Atlanta, the list goes on... Here in Memphis, we drop a giant guitar over the Hard Rock Cafe on Beale street. Cliched and predictable, yes, but generally a pretty neat thing to see.

This year, while attending a friend's party, we poured our champagne at ten to midnight, and turned on the local news for the "official" countdown. Instead of being greeted with the image of a giant, lighted guitar in downtown Memphis, we were treated to the sight of a giant Moon Pie (no, not kidding) in Mobile, AL.

How odd is that? Wasn't the Moon Pie created in Chattanooga anyway?

One way or the other, we had a countdown in the right time zone, and celebrated with liquor and kisses...and a giant, sugary snack falling down the side of a building 6 hours away. Out with 2010, in with 2011, and all the positive vibes that come with the start of a new year.

Good luck to everyone this year. We're all gonna need it.

“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.”

-T.S. Elliot

I don't know, sounds a little "plague-y" to me

I don't know about you, but I drank enough to kill a moose. But as our year and our lives turned over into 2011 this weekend, the lives of thousands of blackbirds suddenly ended in Beebe, AR. Like really suddenly, and somewhat traumatically.

Apparently this happens once in a while, large flocks of birds drop from the sky. The theories on *why* are actually more interesting than the phenomenon itself:

• Celebratory fireworks caused so much stress to the tiny birds that their tiny hearts exploded in their chests
• Atmospheric hail began to pelt them violently, causing internal bleeding
• UFOs (yeah, you knew that was coming)
• Chemicals from crop dusters ultimately poisoned them causing their organs to fail and bleed out
• Secret plot by Al Qaeda to decimate America's heartland with toxic warefare (gotta love that one)
• Secret government weapons testing
• The second coming

Personally, I like the last one. Mostly because I have a Jesus action figure in its original packaging, and when he comes back it's gonna be worth a bundle.

Adios 2010!!

Out with the old, and in with the new. 2010 was a rough year for me: non-stop career insecurity, total destruction of family relationships, the amazingly bad end to what I thought was going to be a life-long romantic relationship. 2010 can freaking bite it, so far as I'm concerned.

But with the new year just hours away, I have a positive outlook on 2011. I know what I want and need from 2011, and I'm going to get it. I have great friends I'm planning to see, and a good man I'm planning to smooch at midnight. For good luck, naturally.

So where did that tradition come from? Where did my intense superstition about being smooched at 12am on January 1 originate? Turns out, I'm not alone. There is a specific, scientific answer. While this superstition has no basis in reality, I'm looking forward to participating.

Happy (?) Penguin

I've always loved penguins. At the zoo, ANY zoo, they're always the most entertaining animals. Well, except for those chimps that fling poop.

But this penguin is exceptionally happy. I'm hoping it's not due to the Xmas music, but more due to an itchy ass.

I don't get it. At all.

Twitter is like the hottest thing since sliced bread. Personally, I don't understand why people need/want to know what time I brushed my teeth, or ate lunch.

Honestly, aside from a useful marketing tool for independent Internet businesses, I really don't see the purpose of Twitter. Studio MacKenzie posts on Twitter periodically, and the site hits go up by at least 50%, but if I, personally, was Twittering, I can't imagine what good that would do for me.

But in this over-connected social experiment called "life between 20 and 30", Twitter appears to reign supreme. (Sadly spoken as a new iPhone user.)

So rather than drop antiquated Post-It notes on a co-woker's desk, drop a manual Tweet. Hopefully they have a sense of humor.

Okay, seriously??

There are some stupid board games out there: Mousetrap, Pictionary Man, Life, and others. But this one takes the cake. What kind of sick, twisted mind bases a board game on dog shit? While, I have a "poop service" (that's not a joke, I am that lazy) whose owner is fond of doo-doo jokes, even this one is beyond him.

Xmas is for family

The holidays are a time when we remember what's important to us, share our time and energy with our most loved ones, and pay homage to the love we have for our family and friends. Most importantly, it is a time to get absolutely shit-faced.

Which I did. In abundance. Surrounded by friends and family, I sucked down booze from 3pm well into the night. Merry Xmas to all and to all an econo-sized bottle of Advil.

Up next: Happy Booze Year. Hide your boyfriends, 'cause Mama's got a new cocktail dress.

Cats are NOT fond of trampolines

I know that this is probably shocking news for most of you. I'm guessing they're not terribly fond of kids either. Evidence below.

Fun with Food

Ever find yourself bored in the kitchen? I sure do, 'cause cooking sure ain't entertaining. Check out this neat trick brought to you by Scientific Tuesday. Why drink milk when you can play with it instead?

How do you want to be remembered?

I think my ideal passing would go as follows:

Cremated. Definitely no wake, those things are creepy and antiquated. Tiny funeral for the family that still thinks those ceremonies are important. Ashes scattered in Lake Michigan at the "cool, hangin' loose spot." (Read Stuart Dybek, you'll understand.) HUGE party. No matter how I died, I want people to remember how I lived: happy, nerdy, regret-free, and lightly buzzed.

I don't want some monument in a field full of other dead people. I want people to visit the "cool, hangin' loose spot" to remember me, not some stodgy crypt or somber grave yard. But to each his own. There are others that wish to be immortalized in stone sculptures. Some respectful, some ridiculous. Enjoy.

All the other kids will be jealous of your mad skills

Personally, I lack a number of basic skills: baking, Microsoft Access, nunchuckery, the list goes on and on.

Two of my most woefully missing skills are sewing and soldering. I can't sew on a damn button, and I think the last time I used a soldering iron, I (accidentally) set something on fire. So, unfortunately, I will not be able to construct this badass Tron tribute laptop bag.

If someone would like to make it for me, it would look awful good under my tree on Saturday...

How neat is this?

It hasn't happened in almost 400 years, but is happening TONIGHT: the incredibly rare combination of a full moon, the winter solstice, and a full lunar eclipse. 1638 was the last time the world saw this phenomenon. And I'm betting they thought it was witchcraft or something

Locally, it is supposed to be between 2AM and 3AM. Get yourself some hot (spiked) cider and some mittens, and catch the universe putting on a light show. Er, I guess a "lack of light" show.

Serbian badass stomps shark

In America, being a badass means having neck tattoos, riding a sick motorcycle, and spending your weekends base jumping. Apparently, the Serbs get liquored and stomp sharks to death.

Dragan Stevic, told his pal to hold his beer and took a jump into the sea, only to come out complaining that he sprained his ankle (and later claiming that he doesn't remember the incident at all). Turns out the "not too soft" water he landed in, contained a large shark that had been stalking along that beach.

What a shame: you have a wild drunken escapade, which results in the death of a shark, your being named a national hero, and you were too plotzed to remember it.

I wonder how Jaws would have turned out if Roy Scheider has just drank more.

This must be what happens when you don't drink

There are no words for the hours and hours of work it must have taken to create this video. Probably months of adjusting coins on black velvet. And so far as I can tell, it hasn't gone any further than the Internet. (So, what's the point?)

I paint stuff, but I don't have to be sober or connected to technology to do it. And it certainly doesn't take nearly as much time and concentration. I've been toying with the idea of doing a time lapse video of making a painting, but the equipment and time involved are crazy, and ultimately hinder the process.

Kudos to the guys at Dreamhack for making such a brilliant video.

Enjoy!

Blockbuster Video discriminates

Against dinosaurs. Jerks.

Stay warm...and well armed

Show those zombies who's boss. Maybe they'll leave you alone if they think you've already been attacked. Oh no, wait, that's sharks...

"You've got red on you."