Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Can my car get a DUI?

God bless the Scottish, my people. Kilt-wearin', whiskey swillin', bag pipe playin', Haggis eatin' Scottish.

Screw that silly Mid-West corn bio-fuel, try Whiskey fuel! Butanol puts out 30% more energy than ethanol. That Prius can be replaced with a whiskey-byproduct sucking SUV. And you don't have to spend $1000s converting your engine.

Booze fueled genius!

This "diva" thing has gone too far

Stilettos aren't just for hookers any more. Platform stilettos have wormed their way back into the office, into casual date wear, and on to the feet of every woman over the age of 15. I remember being little and trying on Mom's hot pink, suede heels, and thinking "I'll never wear shoes this stupid."

Now I have a collection of heels that would make Imelda Marcos blush. Nothing under 4 inches, nothing comfortable, nothing that'll prevent painful foot surgery in the next 20 years. And I love them all. Pumps, loafers, sneakers (yes), oxfords, sandals, thongs, everything imaginable.

There are some things though that are meant to stay flat. Tevas for instance. But the folks at Grey Ant seem to disagree with me on that one, and for the totally reasonable (ha!) price of $330, you can hike like a Hilton.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Tragic, totally tragic

I'm not much of a feminist. I'm a strong, attitude-y woman, driven to success (which, I'm told, makes me a "bitch"), with goals and aspirations. I don't believe that women can do everything that men can do, but it *DO* believe that I can do everything men can do.

I'm low-maintenence, self-sufficient, smart, creative, and competent. Additionally, I have more tools than most guys I know. (Except the guys in my motorcycle club.)

So why does Maxim magazine seek to take all of my good qualities away from me? All the things that make me attractive (aside from my boobs), are apparently "no good" for the average man. I guess men need to pretend they care about what I think is important, and buy me things in order to make me abandon my drive for success and self-sufficiency.

How is being a feminist something that needs to be "cured"? I'm disgusted. Completely disgusted. I think that being an insipid, orange, plastic debutant is something that needs to be "cured" far more than being independent and driven.

Click the link to read the article. Vomit.

Creepy storage

The only thing that got me to put my toys away as a kid was the threat of Mom throwing away anything left out if she stepped on one more Barbie shoe or Transformer in the middle of the night. I'm not sure this would have helped at all.

In fact, I think feeding my treasured plastic belongings to a rolling monster (The "Toy Guardian") probably would have made the problem much worse. Although, the threats of disposal haven't translated into later life, scary monster toy chest probably would have turned me into a hoarder.

This kid knows his pipes

No, get your mind out of the gutter.

In the weirdest talent show ever, this kid plays TV/movie favorites on a set of PVC pipes. One wonders if he has any friends, and what the ladies think of his special talent. I'm kind of hoping this is an art project...

Songs are...
-Office Theme Song (0:18)
-Linus and Lucy (0:38)
-Turkish March (1:13)
-Mario Brothers Theme (1:27)
-In the Hall of the Mountain King (1:54)
-Bad Romance (2:07)
-Viva La Vida (2:50)
-Like a Virgin (3:03)
-Crazy Train (3:23)
-Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (4:01)
-James Bond Theme (4:15)
-Pirates of the Caribbean Theme (4:35)
-The Final Countdown (featuring my friend, Quin) (4:56)

Monday, November 22, 2010

My other ride is a lightcycle

Tron: Legacy is apparently going to be the bestest movie ever created in the history of the world, possibly the universe. Or at least that's what Disney's merchandising partners would lead you to believe. Just about anything that can be made to light up in blue is now available for inflated purchase.

But honestly, as deplorable as I find the Disney corporation, you can't fault them on some seriously rad kicks (in partnership with the fine folks at Adidas).

I would sport these to work.

There's an infographic for that

Just like there's an "app" for everything from restaurant reviews to wiping your nose, there's also an infographic. Take a complicated concept or set of statistics and boil it down into a series of amusing pictures.

From texting stats, to the complete history of the Swine Flu, to the evolution of the actual infographic, there's an infographic for that. Because reading stuff takes time.

The Helpful Figurines site is an excellent example.

Tool belt

No, seriously!

Nothing says "rock 'n roll" like a utility belt. But not like a Batman, like a badass. Subtly hidden in the studs and buckle are 6 different tools. While you do run the risk of your pants falling down while you're wrenching on your sick cafe racer, this is pretty damned awesome.

What do you think TSA would have to say about this?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Merry Xmas boozehounds

Personally, the holidays make me want to drink excessively. Especially if anything involving my family is planned. This guy takes the egg nog OD to a new amusing extreme.

"Mommy! Santa smells like Daddy when he crys!"

Friday, November 19, 2010

Two birds, one stone

Why dirty two glasses when you can accomplish your goal in one piece of glassware?


Restoring faith in humanity

Honestly, if I found a backpack containing over $3000 in cash, I'm pretty sure I'd pay off some bills or get a boat load of shoes. But this *homeless* guy in Arizona is a more righteous person than I. (Okay, most are more righteous than I.)

After finding a backpack on the train line, Dave Tally discovered the cash, a laptop, and a flash drive containing the backpack's owner's resume. He used the information on the resume to track down the owner and return the contents of the backpack, including the cash.

You can reward and help Dave Tally for his integrity and humanity here.

Keep your lady bits to yourself

I have thought, since the implementation of the full-body airport scan, how I would handle that situation. While I feel it is a gross invasion of privacy, I also feel that the more secure our planes are, the more apt I am to fly somewhere. (At least, presuming I can get a reasonable fare anymore.)

So for those of us that are "shy" there are Flying Pasties! Pasties aren't just for strippers and burlesque dancers anymore. Now you can fly in sticky comfort with all your gear kept to yourself. It's a shame that we've come to this, but I really don't want to drive any more than 8 hours anywhere, and am willing to scrape adhesive from my who-who hair to have the opportunity to get on an airplane in under four hours.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Kanye vs. Bush...it rages on

Kanye West, king of ridiculous press stunts, was recently invited to react to G.W. Bush's comments on his claim that "George Bush doesn't care about black people." While the interview was bland as hell, the auto-tuned version is awfully entertaining.

Does anyone even wear ties anymore?

Office casual has risen to a new level of slovenly. It's not casual Friday anymore, it's jeans-and-sneakers Friday. Tank tops are perfectly acceptable provided they're worn with slacks. While I'm not a fan of suits, it'd sure be easier. Get 2 black suits and alternate them with different blouses. Dry clean on the weekends.

So for those in offices that still require "business attire," meet the USB tie. Show your employer that you're a multi-tasker in the office and on the go. Totally more office appropriate than the USB bra.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Little Orphan Annie said it best, but this woman takes it to a new (disgusting) extreme.

I know I've been in some situations where I've been desperate, begging convenience store clerks to let me use the facilities. There was a time when my plumbing was all screwed up and I drove to the local McDonalds to handle business.

But never have I been in a situation so desperate to do this.

Xmas arts and crafts

Gingerbread ain't just for houses anymore.

How about:

Or my fave: a mother board.

Google's "Street View" finally has a meaningful impact

While "Street View" is good for many things (wasting time at work, spying on the neighbors, blog fodder when amusing images are included, etc.), apparently, it's now a weight loss motivator.

An English man (or "bloke" if you will) weighing in just under 300 lbs was caught on Street View and SO embarrassed by his ginormous beer gut, that he got in gear and lost nearly 100 lbs. He joined a gym, stuck to a healthy diet, and now about a 5th grader lighter, his blood pressure is down and he feels great.

It's official: Google can do EVERYTHING.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Indubitably, sir

One of the greatest obstacles to communication is language. So let's shake things up further by re-introducing antiquated words that we need back.

My fave: freck.
"To move about swiftly or nimbly."
ie - I'm fixin' to freck on down to the bar.
(Yes, I know that's not right. Gimmee a break.)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Big girls are sexy

Women are beautiful. ALL women are beautiful, no matter their size or age. Women can grow life in their bellies (how neat is that!!) and can still do everything a man can do. Women are driven and smart and empathetic creatures.

It has always blown my mind that the commercial image of a sexy woman has been near 6 feet tall and stick thin. I can't imagine how a man wants a woman who's taller than him and who's so thin you can see her ribs. And concave breasts can't possibly attractive.

I like my women with meat: hips, breasts, curves. Something to hang on to. Something to keep you warm. Norwegian photog Sølve Sundsbø agrees with me. Just because us big girls can't carry off a bikini or wear the latest sexy lingerie doesn't mean we're not incredibly hot women.


Lazy gets funding

Do you need a blanket with sleeves so you can still work the remote? Would you rather cook you chicken on your countertop than in the oven because all that bending and waiting is too much work? Do you need gadget assistance cracking your eggs?

If that's the case, then this product is for you. While Kickstarter is a great resource for creatives and civic-minded folks to get their ideas off the ground and funded, it's also a great resource for stupid crap.

So if you're having trouble dunking Oreos, and can't figure out how to deal with it, donate to the couple that has come up with the Dipr, the specially designed Oreo dunking utensil.

And good luck with the rest of life too.

The TV that defines your state

Thank god that Tennessee escaped getting saddled with that awful Memphis Beat show. I'm much happier as a representative of the state of Evil Dead.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

War in six words

This one's in honor of all the brave men and women who have served in the military, preserving and protecting my freedom to bitch about stupid stuff on the Internet, keep a shotgun to protect myself from Memphis, and elect the people who make big decisions on my behalf. Happy Veterans Day. I'm a proud American not because of government or obligation, but because of people who give up their freedom to defend mine. They are braver than I.

Smith Magazine has started a "6-Word-Memoir" project. A division of the project focuses on veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Some items are silly, others are powerful. It's really amazing how much you can convey in only 6 words.

As you read these, think of someone you know who's sacrificed for you, and remember without them, there would be no "us."

Great reason to avoid vanity plates

There are many things I wish would be converted to drive-through businesses: convenience stores, the DMV (ironically), the craft store (drive-through yarn, you heard me), bookstores (I'll take a Vonnegut and a Tolstoy, please).

One place I wouldn't mind actually getting out of the car and spending some time on my selections: the porn shop.

Apparently, the citizens of Huntsville, AL are less choosy and in a bigger hurry to get it on than I am. Pleasures, an adult store, intends to utilize the drive-through window in their new building (formerly a bank).

I wonder if they'll have a value menu. "I'll take a number two, with a side of lube."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

One day, it'll happen

I'll get hitched. And after I get married in secret, in Vegas by some guy dressed as Shaft, I will have a badass party, featuring a ridiculous cake topped with this.

Done and done.

Crochet goes too far

I like to crochet. It's a productive time waster. And a cheap source of winter gifts. But Polish artist Olek has taken fiber arts to the extreme.

She crochets *everything*. Cars, tents, bicycles, even people. Now she's even crocheting everything in her home. Including visitors. Might be nice to visit in the winter, actually.

The Subway diet is so 1999

Why munch on stale bread with 3 slices of questionable meat and iffy lettuce, when you can have the pleasure of enjoying a food with a half life?

Kansas State University nutrition professor spent 10 weeks ingesting snack cakes from convenience stores every three hours, rather than eating full meals. The result: 27 LBS shed in 2 months.

Sign me up! Baked chips and veggie subs are for suckers.

"Happy Meal" to become "Marginally Content Meal"

I ordered a Happy Meal on a road trip, and the guy behind me in line asked, "Does it work?" Then I said "yes" but the citizens of San Francisco are about to say, "no." No to toys, that is.

They're legislating a ban on toys in Happy Meals unless McDonald's reduce the number of calories, sodium, and fat in the kids meals. Thus legislating parental responsibility.

What's next? Regulating Pokemon for encouraging cartoon violence? Ban bumper cars which discourage safe driving?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dazzle up your junk

You know you're worried about it. That fur above your gear just ain't sexy. It doesn't scream "touch me" as loud as it's screaming "go find a machete." While it keeps you warm in the winter, a tiny hair forrest just isn't attractive to the opposite sex.

So be an informed consumer and landscape your secret garden. Hip Snips, with designs like the "Charlie Chaplin" and the "Rising Sun," will make you the talk of the town. (Or possibly a bad joke among close friends.)

Potty in harmony

One of the most notoriously boring rooms in your house is the bathroom. You can paint it silly colors, hang shower curtains with interesting patterns, and install a shower radio. But nothing is going to change the fact that the bathroom has one function: handling your "functions."

I have a bathroom that's painted in an obnoxious purple and is covered in zebra and black and white photos of an abandoned building. But it's still a bathroom, no matter how rad I make it.

But the fine folks at Jammin' Johns have come up with some added flair to make the can more charming. Granted, it still doesn't change the function, but it adds some fun to your "alone time."

Nothing says leadership like commemorative knives

Celebrate your favorite leader of the free world with a folding knife bearing their name and image. All 43 are represented, from George to Barack. Give it to the special patriot in your life for Xmas. Take Teddy hunting, or keep old Honest Abe in your purse for protection.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Hey kids! Hug a priest

This is just scary on so many levels. I wonder if there is a Michael Jackson doll out there somewhere? Oh, wait...

Attn: Ladies

Specifically, older, single ladies. Looking for a hot man to make you feel younger? Need a special guy in his 20s to spend too much money on? Carnival Cruise Lines has your solution: the Cougar Cruise.

Romp through Mexico with your tanned young buck. Rent a scooter for a buzz around a tropical island with your arms around some six-pack abs. No strings, no kids, no messy pre-nups.

Tiny cameras in space

Just about the coolest thing ever invented is the GoPro camera. It about the size of a matchbox car and shoots in *stunning* HD through a fisheye lens. It's waterproof, it's mountable, it's insanely cool.

Some California engineers decided to test the limits of this neat little piece of techno-awesome by sending two of them up into the sky attached to a giant balloon (with a GPS so they could find it when it came back down). The footage they got was amazing! See below.

Not so many years ago, it took a team of hundreds of engineers and scientists to get photos of outer space. Now video of space is only $300 and one balloon away.

Teach them early

It's tough to teach a kid how to be awesome. Especially these days with cable TV and the Internet spewing starfu**er trash in place of role models, and the nightly news demonizing absolutely everything. So it's now totally up to parents to teach their youngsters how to grow up rad.

Someone's got to tell the little people that "mandals" are never acceptable, you need to keep your hat on straight, "orange" is not a valid skin color, and "epic" is Beowulf, not a word you use to describe your new t-shirt.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Shatner strikes again

Lord this is hysterical. Another on the long list of reasons that William Shatner rules.

It's that time of year again

Time to pull out that ugly sweater Grandma got you and suck it up for some family dinners. Yup, it's the holidays again. Even though major retailers have been reminding us about this since July, it always seems to sneak up on us.

This is the time of year that sleigh bells will become acceptable office attire, and your visits to the mall will be inevitably punctuated by a fat guy in a red velvet suit.

So if you find all this "cheer" nonsense as irritating as I do, check out "Sketchy Santas."

Sterling Nerd-ery

Wear your love of infinite numbers around your neck with this chain from RGB Laboratory. Although, they don't seem to mention a price, so in my experience, the cost may be equally infinite.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I've got an iPhone

I don't think I really need to say anything about this. Enjoy.

Computer Nostalgia

Oh, for the days when things were simpler. You played "Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing" on your Apple II. You enjoyed Oregon Trail ("You have died of cholera.") on your black and green monitor. All that computer was for was typing the occasional essay for school. (Remember dot-matrix printers?)

Then things got complicated. The Internet. Microsoft Office. Adobe's Creative Suite. Final Cut Pro. Flash memory. If I had a nickel for every stupid spreadsheet I need to do my damn job, I'd have enough to retire by next year.

So if you're yearning for the good ol' days of saving single papers on multiple diskettes, and hiring two guys to move your CPU across the room, try these CDRs in the shape of your old friend: the 3.5" floppy.

Feel like you're back in the days when bad hair was cool, not ironic.

Pasta with a special kick

Well, I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it on the Internet.

15 year veteran of the legendary Ramones, Marky Ramone, has his own pasta sauce. Hey, it worked for Paul Newman, right? I totally don't remember this from their "Behind the Music" episode.

On a less silly note, 10% of the sales of this sauce goes to "Autism Speaks." Wicked drummer, wicked chef, and wicked nice guy.

There are rules

There are rules for everything: driving, dating, and would you believe, drinking.

Having worked in various bars, I have a deep appreciation for these. Douche bags are bad enough, drunk douche bags are pure, liquid evil.

Two of the most important:
#28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
#50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

Read all 86 of these important drinking rules here before you head out for the night. Please.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Majoring in nothing

I have an art degree. Or rather, I have a degree from an art college. I never declared a major, so effectively, I have a BA in nothing. The college I went to allowed folks with enough credits to graduate "undeclared." Effectively, I have no marketable skills. Stinks when trying to look for jobs, let me tell you.

But apparently, there are Universities (reputable ones, at that) that have courses that are right up my alley. BS that ends with me getting a degree, and ultimately moving on to a job I don't feel I'm qualified for (because I have a degree).

So, if you're looking for a degree in nada to get you that first job as a receptionist for some law firm that's about to go under, check out these classes. You may find your calling. Or something to talk about at parties.

Brilliant! Internet sobriety test!

Lord, why didn't someone come up with this sooner? There was a rumor a few years ago about an anti-drunk-dial phone (with a breathalizer built in to it), but this sucker is REAL.

The dream team at Webroot will stop you from making those late night Twitter posts about your genitals, or inappropriate Facebook comments about your brother's girlfriend's rack, with a simple series of sobriety tests.

People still use pencils?

In my world, if it can't be typed, it can't be effectively communicated. (Or at least in my working world.)

Apparently, folks still use pencils. And there are further innovations in the pencil sharpening arena. Like this one. Let folks know that they're dealing with a badass right off the bat.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Oh, sister

Just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it.

Don't tell the fine folks at Budweiser

Well, damn. It looks like I need to put down the beer and pick up the crack pipe. It'd be less harmful, according to a study by Brittish professor David Nutt. (Which invites a lot of beer addled puns...)

Apparently, alcohol causes the most harm to the self and others of all the brain chemistry altering substances one can be arrested for using while driving. Although there is controversy over the "harm-ranking" system by which he came to this conclusion, Prof. Nutt has come up with a very convincing graph.

Do you know about "The Oatmeal"

You should. It's anything but bland. (And might actually be awesomer with some cinnamon sugar, actually...)

Enjoy this example of visual hilarity. (Hit the link for the whole image.)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sue your employer

Apparently, a McDonald's manager in Brazil has successfully sued the McDonald's corporation for making him fat. While employed at the restaurant chain, the gentleman in question gained over 65 lbs from his free shift meals, and sued the company for $17,500. (Never mind that dude could have opted for something other than a triple bacon angus and gargantuan fries...)

I wonder if I can sue my company for psychiatric care?

Save the children

Save them from GTL (gym, tan, laundry), hair gel, belly piercings, and fist pumping.

Please, before it's too late.

Oh, nevermind, I guess.

Leftover candy

So what do you do with all that left over candy? You could get a box of wine and inhale it all while watching Oprah re-runs. You could take it to the office and help your co-workers get fatter than you are. You could even keep it in your purse to give to those pan-handlers that need "35 cents to get something to eat." (And then watch them throw it away for you as you turn the corner.)

Or you could "Terracycle" it. This company takes candy wrappers (and other stuff) and turns it into useful and stylish items, like kites and purses.

No costume, no candy

Another Halloween come and gone. (For anyone curious, I dressed as a fairy. Yeah, I know it kinda goes against that whole "anti-sexy" Halloween costume thing I preach. Who the hell says fairies don't look like tramps in real life anyway?)

I don't do the trick or treat thing. Yeah, that makes me Hallo-Scroogy, but I really can't afford buckets of candy for the hoodlums that get bussed into my neighborhood in groups of 20. Usually teenagers too. It borders on creepy.

Also, my dogs get SUPER irritated if anyone's on the porch. I mean CRAZY, frothing, hackles up irritated. In an effort to just avoid the whole scene, I make it a point to either be away from the house, or keep all the lights off. Last year, I stuck a sign on the door that said, "No trick-or-treating this year. Swine flu. Sorry!"

But what irks me the most is the kids that show up with a grocery bag and no costume. I get that not everyone can afford a costume, but be creative: make some kitty ears out of cardboard and your sister's headband, get some eyeliner out of Mom's bathroom and try for a Gene Simmons, even the dollar store will have *something* you can hack in to a costume.

So friends of mine got smart this year and posted the rule: "No Costume, No Candy." Enjoy.