Friday, October 29, 2010

Emo kid sings me through my childhood

I was a cartoon junkie as a kid, and well on into the teen years. In fact, I own every episode of the Animaniacs on DVD and periodically have "no pants" weekends. (No pants, 30 pack of cheap beer, and cartoons on DVD. It's nice to live alone.)

This guy created a medley of just about every cartoon theme song from the shows I watched compulsively from 1986 to 1996. It brought back memories of playing "Ninja Turtles" with the kids down the street, and the Thundercats lunch box I carried to my first day of second grade.

He also did a sitcom medley that's pretty entertaining.

Has someone absconded with your lunch?

I've had my fair share of Lean Cuisines swiped out of the office freezer. (In times of financial crisis, I have swiped my fair share too. Hey! Put your damn name on it.)

So how to combat lunchtime thievery? Web cam? Sniper tower? No! Try Anti-Theft Lunch Bags. Make that ham and cheese so unattractive your sticky fingered roommate will never want to steal it.

Another one bites the dust

It's official. Limewire has died. By court order, they are to cease facilitating the download of music and movies (and viruses, I guess) on their peer-to-peer network. Boo.

So now where am I supposed to steal music - - er, sample new media so I can go buy the new album at full price?

No really, where are the cool kids swiping music now?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bond, James Bond

One of two original Aston Martins from the Sean Connery "Bond" movies was up for auction today, and eventually sold for $4.6 million dollars to a private collector. (The other is believed to be stolen.)

It included all of the standard "Bond" accessories: guns in the tail lights and passenger ejector seat. (Good for bad dates?)

I'd love to meet the guy that bought this and get on his career path...


This was too good to be lost on the news world. Apparently, starving bears in the Russian tundra have figured out a new source of food: corpses.

After a long drought, the bears are seeking out "refrigerated" nourishment in local graveyards. Evidently, one bear figured out that the bodies weren't too far from the surface, and taught the other bears how to dig them up.

I'm told (although it's not posted in this news story) that Russians do not embalm bodies or store the caskets in concrete like we do in the States. Additionally, due to the cold, not everyone is six feet under...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Instant debt cure

We've all seen them: the late night commercials claiming that loans can consolidate and reduce your debt. Advertisements for payday and title loans. We're in crisis up in here.

Personally, I'm a compulsive budgeter. I know exactly how much I have where and how I need to use it for bills, necessities (like tattoos), and fun. I'm sure my bank is monitoring my Internet activity and sending me recommendations for more financial tools.

Here's why: I was poor as hell in college. Got into some bad debt with credit card offers ("Sign up for this card and get a free shower radio!!), and just didn't understand how to balance a check book/control spending. After college, I got into more bad debt with financing offers from Aaronson (now bankrupt and gone) Furniture. Further debt from consolidation loans too. I was a debt monster. But that was nothing compared to a former roommate that was $50,000 in to credit cards before she graduated. Yikes!

Anyway, when I had the opportunity and was finally making a reasonable salary, I paid it down. Month by month. Shopped at the discount grocery stores, made friends with bartenders (read: "dated a lot of bartenders"), and ate Ramen like it was going out of style.

Now, financially solvent, I have found the below advice to be most beneficial. Listen carefully. It's important.

Some class under your ass

This fully proves that everything can be improved with Swarovski crystals. Not just for cell phones anymore, the crystal is hitting the commode.

Bling your bidet. Crystalize the can. Jewel the john. Get an icy potty. (Okay, I'm done.) Thanks to the $75,000 efforts of artist Jemal Wright, you too can crap like a king. Or at least a Hilton sister.

Muppet-ize yourself!

How cool is this?!

For the bargain basement price of $99.99 (note: not $100), you can have the folks who created Kermit and the Swedish Chef immortalize you as a Muppet. The question is now, "What do you do with it?"

I have some suggestions:
  • Create the most amusing presentations for work
  • Use it to scare off Jehovah's witnesses and other nuisance bell ringers
  • Entertain your pets with instructional puppet shows
  • Make an inappropriate film in the hopes of becoming a YouTube sensation
  • Take it to your local open mike night for some ventriloquist fun
  • Create audition tapes for reality shows using ONLY the Muppet
It's ME!

Badass artwork

I make paintings. Pretty neat ones, I might add.

See them here.

But this guy makes even cooler ones! Check out these stenciled masterpieces by artist "Eelus."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's fall

Celebrate appropriately. Time for Pumpkin vs Pontiac.


Safety first

The Spanish government loves it's citizens and wants them to be safe. All of them. Even the hookers.

Apparently, the standard issue mini skirt and fishnet stockings are now to be accessorized with bright yellow vests, so that hookers are more noticeable to traffic. High visibility hoes. Niiiice.

Hey, where did those BP reparations go?

To Motley Crue. Yep, you heard me. The state of Alabama has chosen to appropriate $600,000 of the $65 million that BP shelled out after the Gulf oil spill to pay Motley Crue to headline the Bay Fest earlier this month.

While this sounds like an incredibly stupid idea, it's actually designed to drum up tourism for the beaten down Gulf area. Not too bad, actually. I wonder if BP was listed as an official sponsor.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Another cleanliness incentive (NSFW)

The shower "poof" and body gel has never done well in the male market, while we women have learned to scrub our buckets with scratchy, plastic apparatuses on strings. Beauty (and scented-ness) is pain, right?

Here's an ingenius way to get the gent in your life to embrace shower gel. And abandon that hairy bar of soap. Eew.

It's official, everyone has a book deal except me

Not like I really have anything important to say that would require full book length, but I'm sure I could come up with some more pertinent life advice than this guy.

Admittedly, I'm curious to read it, but not dumb enough to pay for it.

If Snooki comes out with a book, I'm going to kill myself.

I'm a Baconista, not a Fashionista

I heard the term "Jeggings" on the radio today, and almost threw up while driving.

Jeggings?? Seriously? I understand "skort" but jeggings is a whole new kind of nauseating. I discovered, via Wikipedia - the center of all credible information, that "jeggings" is a legitimate term for leggings designed to look like denim.

I'm trying desperately not to vomit on my keyboard. I'm not sure it's going to work...

Wha??? Dino tech officially extinct

It was a sad day at the Sony Company. A single drop of rain fell on the last ever Walkman cassette player. It was a good run: 30 years. But times they are a changin'. Gone are the days of winding your music back up with a pencil, and cursing the $3.50 you spent on AA batteries yesterday for the damn thing that is now slowing Metallica to Manilow speed.

It's official. The Walkman, rest it's tiny, clip-on soul, has died. Sniffle, whimper.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Wear your vices around your neck


Let people know who they're dealing with right off the bat.

Myself, I'm a Camel smoker, and a bourbon drinker. Maybe I can get 2 charms on one chain....

Cast art

I'm not talking about Cynthia "Plaster Caster."

I'm taking about "I did something stupid and broke my damn arm" art. Why sport the standard issue, bland ecru cast when you can style and profile your idiocy? Not only can you create a badass bar fight story about the arm you broke while cleaning your deck, you can also make an artistic statement.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Geek evolution

It used to be that being a "geek" was SO not cool. In fact, if you take it to the circus definition, a geek is a performer that does all sorts of gross things with their body, like snorting Tic-Tacs, and eating bugs.

When I was in high school, if you were called a geek it was a terrible insult. Not only did it mean that you're unnaturally smart, it also meant that you were socially inept. You'd be better off being a "nerd" or a "bookworm" than a "geek" any day.

It seems that the definition of geek has evolved in the last 10+ years. There is apparently a way to be a "cool" geek. Not only that, there are different kinds of geeks: movie geek, gamer geek, trivia geek, all of which are suddenly socially acceptable. Who knew?!

So, let me proudly proclaim my allegiance with geeks world wide. I suppose, I am a "crafting geek," one segment not represented on the following flow chart. (Click link for bigger - readable - version.)

The new iPhone 4 does EVERYTHING

It shoots HD video, it can remotely sync to your desktop, it takes gorgeous photos, it's faster than ever before, the display is in stunning clarity, video chat capabilities, multiple apps can be used at the same time, and the list goes on. (I think it makes phone calls too, but I can't be sure.)

Whether you're a business leader, or social butterfly, the iPhone has everything you need. A tiny computer in your pocket. Is there anything this gadget can't do??

Well, it turns out, that the iPhone 4, CANNOT withstand a .50 caliber bullet. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

Restroom incentive

Finally! Genius Chinese designers have figured out how to get guys to wash their hands after peeing.

If only I could weld

Working part time, in college full time, and building the Turtle Van: best multi-tasking woman EVER. Screw beading and crochet, this chick has a real hobby: vehicular nerdery.

I wonder if I can turn my Charger into Ecto 1? Or maybe a falafel cart...?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Vanity is hell

Or in this case "Twilight."

Meet the "Vampire Facelift." I had a coworker tell me about this a few weeks ago, and totally didn't believe that this sort of thing goes on. I was unfortunately wrong.

Apparently, they extract blood from the lift-ee, filter out the contents leaving only the fibrin and platelets, and jam it back into your wrinkles. I guess the success rate is high because the material being injected is from the original donor.

Anything has to be better than botulism, I guess.

Translation made easy

Ever wondered what Kanye meant by, "my psychic said she'd have an ass like Serena?" What is Guru talking about when he says, "I do it fluid, 'til the suckers get dizzy?" Do rap lyrics in general mystify you?

Author William Buckholtz shared your pain, until he conducted extensive research to "de-code" rap music. (Really, he just found a teenager with his baseball cap facing the wrong direction, and traded a venti latte and some vintage Biggie Smalls records for some discussion time.)

So when Grandma complains for the 900th time about you and your hippity-hop music, you can tell her that it's an "expression of everyday life for the average youth in the underdeveloped urban environment."

Bakery warfare

As I have mentioned before, I have a "milestone" birthday coming up next year. The big "Three-Oh." I have thought long and hard about what I want and how I want to celebrate.

I thought about a cruise. A party at a local inflatable indoor, jungle gym. Other low-key, highly reflective options. Maybe a small party at the house? I had settled on inflatable party, and begging my boyfriend for jewelry, until I saw this.

Friends: perhaps you can pool your cash and resources to build one of these I can retrofit into a roof top sniper rifle.

I have seen the unholy and this it

We've been entertained by the drunk cook, seen what happens when Burger King and pizza collide, and how to make a turtle edible. This Superbowl Sunday, see if you can time your inevitable heart attack with the game winning touchdown and your last bite of this monster.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Of all the things

Seems like everyone has their own bobble head figure lately: Batman, Dexter, various Star Wars friends, presidents, and just about every man that has ever played sports. The bobble head is almost the new trading card.

"Trade you a Green Lantern for your Storm Trooper!"

There are some things that are sacred and need to remain bobble-free. Audrey Hepburn is definitely one of them.

Having a sense of humor

If it wasn't for self-deprocating humor, I wouldn't be funny. I joke about my "soft" midsection, my drunk Mom, my total lack of domestic skills, and everything else that probably secretly bothers me deeply.

Looks like this guy is either a dedicated gang member, or shares a similar sense of humor. Nice.

Monday, October 18, 2010

How lazy are you really

I'm the shortcut queen. I've duct-taped my bumper back together after an accident, I've used Cheese Whiz in place of real cheese (not as bad as you would think, actually), I've also swiped photos off the Internet and had them blown up into posters, rather than buying the actual poster.

But this one is new on me. Even I'm not lazy enough to need an automatic egg cracker. You can crack an egg with one hand. With two hands you can separate out the yolk. Why dirty another bland appliance? It's not even shaped like a dinosaur or anything. Blah.

Eeew. (But "cartoon" eeew.)

Ever wondered what's inside of your favorite cartoon characters? Turns out it's not puppy fur and kisses.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Mac recycling

Us Mac users are gluttons for punishment. We stop eating for months at a time to get the newest OS, triple mortgage our houses to upgrade our machines, and flock in the 1000s to the release of every new sticker we can possibly affix to our beloved machines.

Case in point: I was robbed a few years ago. They kicked in my back door while I was at work. The 42" TV I didn't miss. The awesome digital camera was not too terribly important. The heirloom jewelry that I never wore anyway was kind of an afterthought. But my computer? NO!! I replaced that sucker ASAP.

So what do you do with your obsolete Mac that cost you $2000 six months ago? Recycle it! Here are some creative ideas.

Economic downturn inspires creatitivity

In some really odd places. While I've been lucky enough to keep my job, I have ramped up production of paintings in anticipation of Xmas and the potential explosion of the company I work for. This guy got kicked out of the boardroom, and reached into the toy box.

Kinda makes you sniffly and smiley all at the same time. Really think about it and listen to the lyrics. Brilliant.

Friday, October 15, 2010

How is this a good idea?

When was the last time you needed to plug something under water? Seriously.

Products like this encourage people to do stupid things like blow dry their hair in the bath tub. Have you ever seen the warning labels on a hairdryer? "Do not use under water. Do not use while sleeping." There are warnings like this because some moron has tried it and sued the company when they electrocuted themselves or caught their hair on fire.

There's absolutely no justification for this product.

Custom bike tires

If you're on a bicycle, even if you're naked on that bicycle, drivers won't pay attention to you. So it's up to the average cyclist to devise ways to make themselves more visible. This can include everything short of sticking a strobe light on their heads.

Here's a little help: badass reflective tires. If that flashing light on your messenger bag and obnoxious orange vest don't work, try adding these. They look pretty cool in the daylight too.

Furniture that's the bomb


Artist Mati Karmin is making furniture pieces from deconstructed Russian mines. Everything from fireplaces to baby carriages. Toilets too. Creepy and endearing all at the same time.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Get to the point

First dates are tough. Tell her what you're really looking for in a girl with your glassware. It'll simplify the whole deal.

It's business time!

Teens do the darndest things

We were all awkward in high school. (Some of us, well on into college too.) I had a goth phase, a raver phase, and a khaki phase. All this in just 4 short years. It was a pretty standard teenaged identity crisis.

Some fashion disasters are more heinous than others.

You might be from Jersey if...

You know you're a pop culture icon when South Park makes vicious fun of you. Well done, Snooki. Well done.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Designer Sono Mocci has created a bike lock that resembles ivy. How neat is this?

The inflatable business grows up

I'm rounding on 30. Pretty quick, I might add. I was thinking about hosting my 30th at Pump It Up, an indoor inflatable playground. Who cares about age appropriate milestones? Let's get smashed and behave like children! Where's my goodie bag...?

Turns out, this "Pump It Up" thing is pretty pricey. So I looked into renting an inflatable water slide to stick in my yard. Also pricey, but not as bad as the indoor option. Here's the prob: the weight limits on these things are 400lbs or less. So, really you can't get more than 3 grown-ups on an inflatable doo-hickey at once. Since I'm planning to invite everyone I know, that's totally not gonna fly.

So, the fine folks at "The Inflatable Pub Company" have come up with the most adult solution to my problem: this magnificent inflatable pub. Fake fireplace and all!


Talk about getting the "shaft"

For 2 MONTHS, 33 miners have been trapped under ground. In the last 24 hours, all the miners have been rescued. Weeks of digging and planning and a steel cage saved these men from an earthen grave.

One miner said that when he reaches the surface, he wants to see the smiling face of his wife of 28 years, Marta Salinas (who spent weeks keeping vigil for him), and the face of his MISTRESS of 5 years, Susanna Valenzuela.

What a horrible way to discover that your husband is a cheating louse! Apparently, Marta did not choose to show up for miner Yonni Barrios's rescue. I would have appeared at the scene just to push his cheatin' ass back down into the hole.

At least, the settlements from this tragedy will sustain Mrs. Salinas (on the left) LONG after the divorce.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Xmas is sneaking up on us

Why get another gift card for that relative you couldn't care less about, when you can make them a meat tree? Nothing says "please die soon so I can collect the $20 you may have possibly bothered to leave me" like a cholesterol-juicing table topper. Only thing that could make this better? Cheese fondue fountain.

Happy birthday, baby Jesus.

Tattoos hurt. No kidding.

I've spent hundreds of hours, and thousands of dollars being tattooed, and my favorite question remains: "Did that hurt?"

I usually reply with a sweet smile and, "yes, a LOT." This tends to catch people off guard. As though they weren't expecting the answer to be honest and, literally, painful.

Although, I've gotten used to the pain (sorta), it still hurts to be tattooed. Kind of like the worst papercut you've ever had, but over and over again for several hours. Apparently, someone wasn't quite as honest with this woman about what it feels like.


I am the monster your man could be

Old Spice has a knack for snarky, hysterical commercials. Bruce Campbell, the king of snark, was featured in a series of commercials while wearing a Heff-style smoking jacket. Ray Lewis, morphs into a musky "champion," creating the "Smell of the NFL."

Now Sesame Street has spoofed the latest "Guy Your Guy Could Smell Like" series. Signs that your ad campaign is a success: it's co-opted for children's edu-tainment. Now learn about the preposition "on" with your favorite blue monster:

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Puppy identity crisis

As though Halloween doesn't turn the average librarian into a sex kitten for 24 hours, now we can torture our animals for the evening by wrestling them into costumes of other animals.

I refer to my older dog as a piggy, mostly because she snorts her approval. Maybe this for 10/31...

World tour in 8 minutes (NSFW)

I moved to Memphis from Chicago 4 years ago, and had a big culture shock. Not only is the food and the racial climate incredibly different, the accent took some getting used to. Over the first year, I learned how to use terms like, "fixin' to," and "yard bird," in casual conversation. My favorite to date is, "sumbitch." (As in: "Cletus is one lazy sumbitch.")

So here is the very deadpan Jake taking on 24 accents in 8 minutes in order to entertain his mates. (That's "friends" in case you need help translating.)

Friday, October 8, 2010

Because diving off a building isn't enough

This guy is jumping from a sky-scraper, no parachute, and ON FIRE.

Regular base-jumping requires a certain degree of insanity, but this requires full on dissociation and disconnection from reality.

Werd to yer bitch

And by "bitch," I mean "Mom."

Dressing up dogs as "gangstas." Classy.

Fight depression with porno!

A 79-year-old University of Michigan Law School grad, and NY resident, claimed that he was taking a holistic approach to treating his depression after a long separation, by purchasing porn and engaging the services of hookers.

Not only was his sexual activity a self-proclaimed "treatment" for depression, he was also claiming it as a MEDICAL EXPENSE on his taxes! Between 2002 and 2004, he deducted almost $250,000 for these "treatments." (That's a lotta hookers and porn...)

While he deserves laud for creativity, the government does not see things his way. The NY Supreme Court ruled that these are not valid tax deductions.

I wonder if I can deduct my beer and cigarette expenses as "mental health" treatments...?

Damn rich people

Ever wanted to impress your friends with your frivolous disregard for financial self-control? Ever wondered what it would be like to play Wii-fit in your best tux?

Well, wonder no more! A 24 karat gold Wii console can be yours for the reasonable sum of $478,372.02. From Stuart Hughes, making dreams come true for the price of 20 Dodge Chargers.

Apparently, the Queen has one. Why are you so behind the trends?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

This is why your rabbit craps in your hand every time you pick it up

My mom used to buy clothes for my dogs. She thought it was funny, I thought it was tragic. But I made the best effort to wrestle two pit bulls into their argyle sweaters and send her photos of their misery.

Apparently, some people torture their bunnies in the same way.

Bushbabies make excellent appetizers

Those Saturday morning hunting and fishing shows have nothing on this.

Click the link and VOTE!

It's official, hell has frozen over

Apparently, I'm behind the times. "Glee" is like the hottest thing on TV and I haven't seen a single episode. And now it's the hottest thing on the Billboard charts.

How is that a TV series about a high school chorus can surpass the BEATLES in ratings? I never knew choir was that cool. Wow.

Luke, I am your...Sugar Daddy??

You know it's October when you can't park within 200 yards of Party City. Everyone's in there fighting over the last, prepacked, plastic Twilight costume, imported from China no doubt.

I like dressing up like a screwball as much as the next girl (probably more) but when did Halloween transition from excuse to load up on candy from strangers, to an excuse to dress like a "themed" street walker? I thought that was supposed to be reserved for Conventions.

This year, I'm just going to buy myself a pair of kitty ears and call it a day.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Blowing stuff up with condiments

I'm grouchy as hell. My motorcycle died AGAIN a mile-and-a-half from home. I pushed it about 4 blocks before I decided that leaving it on the street somewhere was probably smarter (easier). It was shooting fire from the exhaust pipe when I decided it was a lost cause.

So, after walking all the way home, I got in the car and went to the liquor store...

I'm ready to blow something up in utter frustration. I discovered during conversation with friends this evening, that non-dairy creamer is EXTREMELY flammable. Yup, that crap you dump in your coffee to make that sludgy liquid at the office more bearable can be used to start your furnace. (Although, that's probably not a great idea.)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Serious about sausage (NSFW)

This is a REAL call to customer service at Jimmy Dean about the decision to re-size their packaging from 16oz to 12oz. The real funny starts after he thinks he's hung up...

There's some "language."

Ever wonder what your pets do when you're not home?

Personally, I don't want to know.

But our friends at Mattel seem to think it's important for your dog to "Tweet." A special collar and a Twitter account for your pet (Christ, everyone has them these days) are all that's required to see your dog's activities and emotions printed online.

Here's how I imagine my dog's Twitter feed would look:
8:00am - sleeping in the bed
10:30am - drinking from the toilet
10:45am - bored, going back to sleep
Noon - waking up to chew my ass
12:15pm - sleeping on the sofa
2:30pm - wandering around, sniffing stuff
2:45pm - barking at leaves blowing across the front porch
4:00pm - napping, tired from barking
5:00pm - barking at people coming home from work
5:30pm - eating
6:30pm - napping, tired from eating
8:30pm - barking at more leaves blowing across the porch
8:15pm - chewing something I shouldn't (and my ass again)
8:30pm - napping
10:00pm - barking at dogs in the yard next door
10:30pm - sleeping, it's been a rough day

Get closer to your significant other

I have an anniversary coming up: 2 years of dating the same wonderful guy. The traditional second anniversary gift is linens so this is oddly appropriate.

Badass baked goods

Ever wish your cup cakes had a little more attitude? Maybe your cookies are a little uncool. Perhaps your pies need a personality adjustment.

Artists at "Blame the Moon" (on Etsy) have given your dessert food some 'tude. And, in some cases, weapons.