Word of the day: Anthropomorphic

Pee Wee Herman would be proud.

From Archie McPhee, purveyors of fine life tools like absinthe floss and squirrel underpants, now bring you the greatest accessory you will ever need. Nothing injects levity into a situation like sticking googly eyes on your favorite inanimate object. A stapler, a can of soda, a pack of smokes - the possibilities are endless!

Unless you're dealing with very large objects. The average pair of googly eyes really won't do much good on your piano. But wait! For a one time payment of $7.02, you can get giant googly eyes!

Put googly eyes on ALL THE THINGS!

Appealing to your inner intellectual badass

Let's be honest: there are VERY many more things sexier than the History Channel. I'm not talking about Cinemax after 11pm, but Swamp People, Cops, and whatever's playing on PBS at this very moment are certainly in the running.

So in an effort to make history "sexy," and therefore interesting to us plebs with birth dates in the 1980s that don't pay attention to anything unless it's on fire, designer Jenny Burrows decided to embark on a project that demonstrates how tough historical figures are in comparison to some modern "heroes."

Sadly, her use of the Smithsonian's logo went "too viral" and she was asked to take down any options to purchase these as prints. Quite a shame because "Historically Hardcore" would have been an amazing ad campaign. Some of the simplest facts, presented in the most direct ways can be incredibly persuasive.

My Little Pony gets a makeover

Artist Mari Kasurinen is an...artist...? I guess there's a market for every kind of art. Even if it's pony-centric.

While I never had a desire to have a horse as a child (too much poo!), I had a pretty serious fondness for My Little Pony. They're cute, have fun hair, and magical powers. How can an 8-year-old resist?! Okay, a 31-year-old is pretty helpless too...

But why stop at plastic toys and cartoon shows, when you can market to the parents? Your toddler may be entranced with the pony with the diamond on its tush, but you will certainly be taken in by the Michael Jackson pony you can sport on your desk.

Only $250 each. Just a car payment. No worries.

Monster trucks are getting more monsterous!

And nothing is more right with the universe.

We recently celebrated the date on which all our dreams of hoverboards were broken. But some are keeping hope alive by modifying the time travel vehicles of the past into the badass, Ferrari smushing vehicles of the future.

Muddin' in a DeLorean...new levels of rednecketry to be attained.

I don't care who you are, this is freakin' adorable.

I've been inundated lately with Facebook posts about friends getting married and having children. It's getting old, cut it out.

Grizzled and grouchy as I've become, I can still appreciate creativity and cuteness where it can be found. As well as the talent it requires to create stop motion animation. Plus, Lego totally rules.

The most underrated hat EVER

Hands down - it's the fez. Why aren't these things more popular? Only monkeys and Middle-Eastern guy stereotypes in movies wear them. They're comfy and stylish. We need to get a fez on Jessica Simpson's giant baby, or Barack Obama.

I need a Cthulhu fez in my life...for serious.

Hear that dull thud? That's Thoreau rolling in his grave

I get "gamers." There's something really wonderful about exiting your own reality to enter another, possibly more pleasant one. Feeling like a zero in real life and feeling like a hero in digital life can have some really positive results. I've dated my fair share of gamers too.

But there's just something sick about this. Thoreau wandered off and wrote about his experiences because he was dissatisfied with life as it stood. He needed to disconnect with the universe and understand himself - build a cabin, fish, reflect, etc. Living deliberately.

Of all the things to create a game about, Walden is just about as inappropriate as a game for dissecting live baby harp seals. (Okay, that's a bit extreme, but you get the point.)

Read a book for chrissakes. At least books have zombies.

Aaaaaand, this is why dating dentists is a bad idea

Sometimes, blasting a man on the Internet just isn't enough. He wronged you, he cheated, he wasn't as attentive as you needed him to be. Bitching and moaning on Facebook just doesn't cut it.

Just shy of Lorena Bobbit, is Anna Mackowiak. (Although, I would have chosen the Bobbit route, but whatevs.) While her cheating, POS, low-life boyfriend lay sleeping in the chair, complaining of a simple toothache, she removed every last one of his cheating, lying, no-good teeth.

Apparently, toothless dudes aren't something the mistress is into either. Game, set, and match, asshole.

Anna may be facing jail time and revocation of her license, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a shit. And I kinda love her for that.

Now, where are my pliers...?

Someone in the marketing department needs to be fired

Sunglasses are easy to sell: make them fashionable, affordable, and accessible. Everyone loves sunglasses. Summer = shades. Very simple.

Celebrity endorsements are another way to get your shades out to the public, but choosing a (dead) blind, deaf, and mute woman is not really the most sensitive way to do it. Even Sarah Palin would have been a more "vision" conscious choice. And wouldn't have offended near as many people.

Fortunately, this campaign was run in China, where the buzz is much more about Kim Kardashian's last pedicure than about pissing off American consumers.

(OMG - they're are super cute...)

Remember when there was life before the Internet?

Back in the day we had to call each other to spread gossip, have cool friends to hear about the latest bands, and read these things called "books" to get information. Wow, those were tough times.

Before chat rooms, before YouTube could teach you everything, and even before Facebook (really?!), there were LOLCats. Not the Cheezburger cats, but LOLCats. Everyone's favorite meme was once distributed by post. Like with stamps and stuff. Crazy, huh?

Fire your dogwalker, I guess

Great news for those of us who aren't lucky enough to be independently wealthy, or a stripper, or some other big money career that let's you be home during daylight. If you're wondering how to keep your inside dog entertained while you're out all day making dough to buy dog biscuits, search no more: Dog TV is on the air...er, Internet. (They're hoping to get a national distribution deal, but they're only on the air in California right now.)

The 24/7 doggy cable channel isn't full of shows about cute puppies and training tips. It's full of images of the mail man, playing children, and nature scenes - shot from a dog's perspective. Apparently, the score was composed with dogs in mind also. (How that works, I can't begin to imagine...)

So rather than kenneling your furry friends, or hiring some jaded hipster to drag them around the block twice a day, you can park them in front of the TV. Just like you do with your kids...

Aaaaand reality sets in.

There's a song that's been playing on the radio just non-stop lately: We Are Young. It's cute and catchy...and totally irrelevant to anyone with a 401(k), kids, and a mortgage.

So the folks at Sketchy (Yahoo's comedy series) have responded with a song for the rest of us. If your job zaps your social life, if your friends are all married, if you're more concerned about mowing the lawn than who's playing your favorite bar this weekend, listen up.

Someone's having a birthday next month

And this is what I want. I know I've requested flame-throwers, Uno cards, sniper school, and a saws-all in the past. But now I'm 100% certain: crush two cars with a tank. Only a teensy $750 investment on your part. Several people can pool their resources, I don't mind.

Can you imagine a happier lady?!

Eating from your crotch area just got fashionable.

Ever been on a romantic date in the park, seated on your little hippy tapestry with your love-muffin, thinking "this paper plate full of potato salad is just to heavy"? Well form, function, and fashion collide in the Pic Nic Pant.

Not only can you create a little spandex table while cross-legged - complete with cup holder, you can also use them as a sail while base-jumping. (Previous statement not endorsed by creator.)

Boobs. Not as fun as you think.

Boobs are great for feeding babies, using to get your drinks for free, and holding stuff like cell phones and lighters. But that's about it. Believe it or not, those of us that are "top-heavy" aren't terribly pleased about it.

There are several problems with having ginormous melons:
*Don't talk to my breasts, they're deaf.
*Just because they're bigger than my head, doesn't mean my brain is in there somewhere.
*My dress size isn't controlled by my waist like all the other ladies on earth.
*Lingerie shopping ceases to be fun when you have to go to the "minimizer" section. Try being a 30-year-old woman in a granny bra. Sucks.
*Your boobs have a mind of their own: knocking stuff over, accidentally rubbing your bits up on others while trying to squeeze through a tight space, among other things.
*Try crossing your arms over these suckers, seriously.
*Ruffled blouses are totally out of the question. And swing shirts make you look preggers.
*Ever tried to sleep on your stomach with a sack of potatoes immediately under you? Um, yeah.
*Let's not get started on posture problems...

So in honor of those of us that nature "blessed" with these cursed fat sacks with nipples, is Busty Girl Comics. Enjoy.

Is there anything you CAN'T find on Google?

I maintain that if you can't find it on the Internet, it doesn't exist. People have challenged me on this a few times, only to be vigorously defeated with *zero* humility.

Cite: Hooker tracking shoes, Cat food Soap, Panda hat with Mittens, etc...

Now, you can be fully prepped for the impending Zombie apocalypse (you know it's coming, don't live in denial) with the help of your friends at Google Maps. Knowledge is power when it comes to taking on the undead. Now the locations of all the best sources of guns, groceries, and 2x4s are right at your fingertips. Simply enter your location, and up pop all your nearest loot-able resources.

Bone Pugs are gangsta, for real tho.

Nothing says "'hood" like cute dogs in little hats and bling.

   

Suddenly, wine is freakin' awesome!

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't recognize a good pino grigio if it kicked me in the shins. Yeah, wine's okay, if you're seeking that elusive "dumb as a sack of hammers" kind of drunk, but otherwise, it's just a force 10 hangover and stained teeth.

Plus, it's just about impossible to look like a badass while drinking wine. You can't shotgun some vino to impress your buddies, you generally drink it in a foo-foo glass you'd be discouraged from moshing with, and slugging wine from the bottle makes you look even more trashy than that Milwaukee's best you're sipping right now.

And so, my friends, and yours, Slayer, have come up with a solution: "Reign in Blood Red." I don't care who you are or where you come from, drinking a wine inspired by Slayer is just about the epitome of badassery. (I said it, it's a word now, deal with it.) Only one way it could be cooler: if the bottle was scored so that you can easily crack it on the side of the bar and menace haters with it.

If you don't think this is adorable, you have no soul

Puppies are cute, dogs are cute, really, anything with fur is pretty damn cute.


Add water and giggle.

Birthday is fast approaching, get to work...

I've made Amazon lists, I've hinted to friends and family, I've straight out told people what to get me for gifts, and no one listens. Not to suggest that I'm not pleased with birthday gifts (except for that one ex that got me a friggin' bath mat...how romantic...), on the contrary, I'm very easy to entertain. Action figures, Uno card sets, obscure weapons, whatever.

This year, I'm putting my foot down. For my 31st, I want a flame thrower. THIS flame thrower. Never mind the saws-all I've been asking for for years and forget the expensive jewelry. "What are you going to do with it?" Oh, hell if I know, but I think I need a flamethrower in my life much more than I need some Wii games.

RAWR-diator!

(I'm back!)

I'm always on the lookout for neat housewares: cool art, amusing furniture, silly knick-knacks, etc. Especially if I can find them on sale. If it's more than 50% off, it's pretty much sold. I don't care if I *need* a condiment gun, if it's on sale and hysterical, it's mine.

That being said, this little gem is NOT on sale, but is so completely awesome I would sell a kidney. (Anyone know someone looking to buy...?) Who doesn't need a dinosaur radiator? No one. For serious.

And Americans wonder why we're the fattest nation on Earth...

Not only are groceries in general expensive (I work in this industry, I know), GOOD groceries are even more expensive. Sadly, absolute crap food is much more affordable than food that's actually good for you. The next time you see a fat person using food stamps, remember that. It's a sad fact that a double cheeseburger from McDonald's is cheaper than a Lean Cuisine.

New in the world of "fast food we don't EVER need to consume:" The Doritos Taco at Taco Bell. The yellow corn tortilla shell is replaced by a Doritos flavored crunchy thing that will inevitably kill you and cause some needless, class-action law suit ("I didn't know it was going to make me fat!").

Eat up, friends. At least Taco Bell is catering to their target audience: drunk drivers.

Tramps and Dinos - kinda NSFW

No, really. I don't know who Don Glut is, but he's got some hot friends and a pretty rad dinosaur collection. Yet more proof positive that you can get absolutely anything you need on the Internet.

Valentine's Day FAIL

Roses are sweet, chocolates are too. Even a card is a great V-Day gift for your lady.

But this is totally unacceptable. TOTALLY.

Pussy hair

This is beyond wrong. If "wrong" was the Milky Way, the cast of Star Trek would have to find this via some kind of wormhole.

It takes 20 minutes to wrestle a pit bull into an argyle sweater (I know from experience). How many Xanax does it take to get a cat into a wig?

You have to EARN it, boys

I've been on a dating spree lately. It has not gone well...

The guy that talked about himself for several hours, the misanthorpe, the guy whose OkCupid photos were VERY deceptive, the genius that discovered 30 minutes before our date that he didn't have any dough, and a host of other gents that really didn't deserve my time in the first place.

Guys: take it from me, you have to come correct.  There are things that women, even highly independent women like myself, need:

-you need to be interested in us, ask questions, we like that.
-you need to be a gentleman, even if we're not terribly good at being a lady.
-you need to be responsible. Keep control of your finances. Because if you can't keep up with that, what else can you not keep up with?
-you need to be attentive.
-you need to be honest, to a fault. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a liar.
-you need to follow through on your promises.
-you need to communicate! What do you want, what do you need? If you don't tell us, we don't know.
-you need to be able to make a decision: where would you like to have dinner? What do you want to do tonight? Stop asking for our opinion, if we've got an issue we'll tell you.
-you need to have a lot of confidence. If you don't love yourself, how are we ever going to love you?

There's about a billion other things that make a man attractive to a woman, but these are the basics. If there was a training course, merit badges and all, this artist would need to design them.

ATTN Spoiled brats: Facebook will bust you every time.

We're SUPER connected these days: smart phones, social media, video sharing, online job networking, Internet dating, etc. What many fail to understand is that the "you" that is on the Internet is permanent and searchable. Searchable by employers, friends, prospective dates, law enforcement, and parents.

So kids, if you say something foul, or think you're "hard," or post booty photos, or brag about smoking a bunch of herd, someone's going to see it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. And it'll bite you right in the ass.

Watch the whole video, but the aforementioned "ass-biting" happens about minute 7.

Paula Deen better watch her ass.

The butt (haha) of many jokes about excessive butter use, Paula Deen has a reputation for ignoring calories in favor of authentic flavor. Her Tunica buffet features various side items swimming in butter, and just about everything you can conceivably deep fry. But ol' girl has some competition.

Meet the boys of "Epic Meal Time." If you can coat it in bacon, they've done it. Even if you can't coat it in bacon, they have figured out how to do it, and deep fried the sucker too. It borders on disturbing actually. Enjoy! But buy a gym membership after watching.

Tagline? "We make your dreams come true, then we eat them."

Teenagers can be human beings. Who knew?

Those obnoxious high schoolers making a scene on public transportation, making out at the mall, and driving like morons; turns out they have feelings. And periodically behave better than some adults.

It's 2012, gone (at least legally) are the days of racial and gender discrimination. People with disabilities are just as valuable as the rest of us, and once we hop over the hurdle of gay rights (fingers crossed!), we're sitting pretty. However, socially, there are some that are still catching up.

Nuggets of Truth: women are just as smart as men, people come in different colors and it has no effect on their intelligence, just because someone's legs don't work doesn't mean their brain is broken too, and your son enjoying fantasy video games and the color purple is not a free ticket to Ru Paul's Drag Race.

Parents: your kids are growing up in a totally different world than you did. Shoot, they're in a different environment than I was in as a kid. Show some fucking adaptability.

Art and lighting and badass design

Want! My birthday's in May if anyone wishes to get a jump start on my gift. It comes from Germany, so allow adequate time for shipping.

Maybe a little too personal

I'm not sure about you, but I really don't have any desire to have my appliances talk to me. I'm fine with the occasional beep, but a disembodied voice coming from a toaster or something is really a bit much.

So while this might be a neat idea for a doctor's office or drug testing facility, I don't think it's too many other practical applications. The last household item I want talking to me or about me is the can. It knows too much...

Additionally, they keep referring to is as "she." That's creepy as hell.

For emergencies ONLY.

Call this number now: 719-266-2837. It's not spam, it's awesome.

 

 

Nice Asimov!

I've heard my fair share of crappy pick-up lines. One of my favorites: "I think oral sex is the best, and I have some cocaine." (Long story.) It didn't work, in case you were curious.

From: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cause an angel is missing" to "What's got two thumbs and likes to do it? (This guy!)", there is no shortage of one liners guys think will make a woman swoon into their bed, if even for the evening.

It appears that someone has gotten wise to the astounding number of these lines, and complied them in a single location. Granted, there may be many others, but this is the most comprehensive I've found.