Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I've been watching Dr. Who since 1980-something. While I'm not as up on current Doctors as I should be, I'm still a fan. Brilliant speculation about the future, c.ompelling plot lines, sexual tension, SCIENCE!, and time travel How can you not be intrigued?!

For you nubes out there, here's an expertly diagrammed history of the best Doctor in the business. Hit this link for a better image.

Not a big cat person...

But, damn, this is cute.

While cats don't generally like water, it appears that they're kinda into water creatures.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Stunning artwork, year 'round!

I have the honor of knowing an incredibly talented artist. Actually, I know many incredibly talented artists, but this is the only one putting out a calendar (so far as I know). If you need 12-months of jaw-dropping Dia de los Muertos artwork in your life, you need to act quickly. I have a Day of the Dead themed dining room, all based on one of the amazing prints she did.

The simply fabulous Ms. Natasha Mark will be happy to oblige.

History's greatest egos go head to head

I was fortunate enough to learn about this last night on a fantastic blind date (of all places!). Apparently I'm late to the dance party, considering the number of views on each video. Witness: "Epic Rap Battles of History." Possibly the greatest thing since Jib Jab.

I frequently threaten to challenge people to a break-dance fight, but I think a rap battle may be the way to go if I need to prove a point.  See my fave below...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Smiling Scrooge

Xmas makes me nuts. While I like giving gifts to my dearest loved ones, I don't like to be told when to do it. Still, I hop on the Internet, and spend a bunch of dough I don't have, every December, in the name of the holidays. I felt guilty last year because I was having a holiday party for my motorcycle club, and my brother was coming for the holiday, so I bought a tree and ornaments and stuff.

Fortunately, Target had a black Xmas tree. I suited the tastes of a guilty atheist perfectly! My roommate has offered to put up the tree this year, and I told him he could if he likes, but I really don't care.

Honestly, if this Xmas tree existed for purchase, I would buy it, and display it year-round. Godzilla lording over my living room, in tree form. Gotta love it. Then I would have the illusion that I give a shit about the holidays AND Japan.

Smithers, release the hounds!

If you're having a bad day, watch this. It will make you feel better.

If you're having a good day, this will brighten it further.

Who *doesn't* like puppies?! Geez.

If you shopped for school supplies between 1985 and 1995, you will remember this.

Lisa Frank. Yeah, I know that's a name from way back (I'm assuming the reader is over 25...), and you probably haven't thought about bug-eyed kittens, or unicorns with neon, rainbow manes in *years*. But believe it or not, she's still producing and marketing panda-shaped note pads, and magical, purple puppy folders.

For the highly nostalgic, and fashionably brave, she's even got tees for grown-ups. Not sure where you'd wear one though...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It happens to everyone. You're not alone.

We've all had it happen: un-friending. Social networking is a fickle mistress. Will you be the next victim of a "clean-up" frenzy by that girl you met at a bar 6 years ago? Your boyfriend's cousin's ex-girlfriend's news feed has suddenly disappeared from view and you miss the status updates about her cats.

Friend to us all, William Shatner, has some words of encouragement.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

What's he *really* thinking...?

Ladies: we all have heard it - "men think about sex every seven seconds." Well, an Ohio State University study suggests that the number is actually more like 20 times a day. Less than once per waking half hour. While that's still much less than women, 20 times is WAY less than the 8,000 times we were assuming our male counterparts were thinking about knockin' boots.

Here's the interesting bit: know what your man is really thinking about almost as much as sex? Food. Yep, ladies, we're almost edged out of importance by turkey sandwiches and apple pie. For every 19 thoughts he has about "doin' it," he has another 18 thoughts about blueberry muffins or scalloped potatoes.

Feeling special right about now...

Designer beer for EVERYONE!

There has been an *explosion* in home brewing and locally crafted micro-brews in the last 10 years. Everyone with a functional knowledge of brewing is trying their hand at it. Even those with out it are taking a stab at their own brands.

In the footsteps of Lenny Bruce and Thelonious Monk, the Hanson Brothers (remember them?), are coming out with their own micro brew. The name? MMMhop. No foolin'. (Although I sorta wish I was...) Are they even of legal drinking age?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Ever lost just one glove?

If only they had mitten clips for adults, or some kind of GPS locator chip for that one that always goes missing.

In the mean time, form meets function, meets ridiculously cute with Spirit Hoods. Xmas is coming and you could make me a very happy and warm lady with one of these. (Especially, the Panda one. Hint! Hint!)

Additionally, when you buy one of these stylish fuzzies, you help real fuzzies with the Pro Blue.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It's official: Detroit hates Nickleback

55,000+ people have signed the petition asking that Nickleback be removed as the half-time act for tomorrow's NFL football game with the Green Bay Packers.

I hate Nickleback too, so I don't feel terribly bad for them, but the band has retaliated with their own, incredibly hysterical, video. Who knew Chad Kroger had a sense of humor??

Great idea, actually.

Ladies: ever been out at the bar/club/concert venue and suddenly realized that those cute heels are absolutely KILLING you? There are ways to get around this - lean on the corner of the bar and shift from foot to foot, find a seat and stick to it until the throbbing goes away long enough to take a potty break, or go totally shoe-less. But wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to leave the bar to retrieve the pair of flats you know are in your trunk from, like, a year ago?

Problem solved! Rollasole has you covered. Quietly excuse yourself to the vending machine, load in about $10, and solve your problems with some cheap but stylish flats. Why this hasn't caught on in the States is totally beyond me. Maybe we can re-purpose those cigarette machines into shoe machines.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Squishy damn kids these days

A school in Toronto has banned "hard" balls because they might hurt the kiddies. Kids are great and precious and all, but if I had a nickel for every friend I had in grade school that fell off the monkey bars and broke something, I'd surely have enough for a bag of Cheezits.

Children are faced with much bigger challenges now than a "hard" ball. Middle schoolers are getting pregnant, drug experimentation runs rampant, and violence is everywhere. While we desperately want to, we can't protect the youngsters from everything. There are things that they will need to learn on their own.

For instance: paying attention during gym class is important, standing up to a bully is more effective that tattling, and some times, you lose. Happens to the best of us.

So this decision to ban "hard ball" sports is a complete over-reaction. We rode to school without seat belts, brought peanut butter sandwiches into the building without worry, and played on the 12-foot-tall play structures over concrete without worry.

There's something about childhood that doesn't seem complete without a physical "learning experience" It's tough enough to get kids to put down the Wii controler. Why make it harder?

Passwords must include a symbol, capital letter, Sumerian glyph, photo of great-grandparents, and blood sample.

I get it. The Internet is an open expressway of info. People get hacked all the time, whether they are savvy or not. (Happens to me about twice a year, actually. Ignore those emails about penis enlargement...sorry.)

Protecting your financials, buying habits, dating life, correspondence, and pornography habits gets tougher and tougher. So Internet companies are charged with making it *even* tougher to pick up your password. Although, you're forced to come up with some insane combination of characters, it ultimately benefits you. (Write it down. For serious.)

Here's the list of 2011's most frequently used passwords. I'm horrified to admit that one of my numerous passwords is on this list. (Don't bother guessing, I've already changed it.)

  • password
  • 123456
  • 12345678
  • qwerty
  • abc123
  • monkey
  • 1234567
  • letmein
  • trustno1
  • dragon
  • baseball
  • 111111
  • iloveyou
  • master
  • sunshine
  • ashley
  • bailey
  • passw0rd
  • shadow
  • 123123
  • 654321
  • superman
  • qazwsx
  • michael
  • football

Friday, November 18, 2011

Again with the "I don't *GET* kids these days.

How can you possibly not enjoy reading? I have hundreds of books I've read over and over, and a list of hundreds more I want to read. Except "The Scarlet Letter." That book sucked.

Being a blogger, social networker, Internet business owner, etc., I get my fair share of time with tech, but I still enjoy the smell of a new book. The tiny crunch you hear when opening a new hardcover is irreplaceable. The feeling of a fresh page as you turn it to uncover the next can't be simulated. I refuse to purchase a Kindle, despite the new, aggressive pricing, because the sensory experience is so personal.
Apparently, more than half-a-million Facebook users are anti-book. While the world's population continues to climb towards 7 BILLION+, it still makes me sad to see this.

Cupcakes for the rest of us

Not sure about you, but I'm not a huge fan of sweets. I like the occasional mini Snickers, but otherwise, I'm a protein-craver. Meat, cheese...gimmee!

So, the fine Cupcake Linnie, has come up with a solution for the "meat and taters" crowd: Beer and Cheese cupcakes! How can this miss? Two of the greatest inventions in consumable history in a portable snack. Geeeeeenius!

Check out her other creative cupcake recipes. While bacon and cheddar can't be beat, there are a LOT of others coming at a very close second.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Robotic help for loud sleepers

I will be the first to tell you, I sleep like I'm dead. The only thing that (usually) wakes me up is my alarm clock(s) and the subconscious knowledge that I have to be at work on time. Weekends? All bets are off. Usually, a fidgety dog kicking me in the stomach signals morning.

I've been told, more than once, that I'm a loud snorer. Being a heavy smoker and heavy sleeper, I totally believe it. In fact, I have had exes voluntarily relocate to the sofa due to my nocturnal noise-making. But the Japanese (yeah, them again), have come up with a fuzzy, cuddly, alarmingly cute, solution.

So I guess I either need an equally-heavy-sleeping partner, or one of these and a box of wine.

Lego bible

Sadly, this is not a post extolling the virtues of everything Lego. While I'm a great proponent of the "variety bucket" over the kit with instructions, and the imagination that Lego inspires in general, this one is just a pathetic marketing ploy/brand presentation.

I get it. It's tough to get kids to read and understand the Bible. Honestly, the original document isn't terribly well-written, and the subject matter isn't easy to connect to. Contextually speaking, it's fairly irrelevant too. Especially the Old Testament.

But the "Brick Bible" is really too much. The intersection of logos children recognize and religion is despicable. As though there aren't enough 1-year-olds that recognize McDonald's/Barbie/XBox/pick one!, let's try to throw the Old Testament in there with a brand they might recognize.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not anti-religion. Religion is actually a great thing for some people. It provides hope, and comfort for millions. But there really should be a distinct separation between retail marketing and religion. Is that really what we've come to? "Separation of church and sales pitch."

I want my kids, when I eventually have them, to have a choice. Choose their belief system, choose their morals (with guidance from oddly-hyper-moral athiest Mom), and choose how to be a good person. I hope that I can overpower logo-ed influence in that decision.

While this concept disgusts me on a number of levels, the effort and art put into its creation is admirable.

More than you've ever wanted to know about turkey sex

Stephen Dubner, author of the greatest book ever written (Freakonomics), visits NPR's "Marketplace" with some interesting (disturbing? TMI?) news about next Thursday's entree.

While you're sucking down your gravy soaked turkey, think of the tender care of the farmers charged with raising these birds to Thanksgiving standards. Or rather, don't. Might ruin your appetite.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Face-palm...doing it right, actually.

Gotta love this site. Not only because it's hysterical, but also because it's a constant reminder to stay in control of one's alcohol consumption.

Teens do the darndest things

As a teenager I was a nightmare. Sneaking out, boys, booze, drugs, etc. Fortunately, my mother was too canned to notice. Also fortunately, I was self-aware enough to cut that crap out around age 18, and get my priorities straight.

During that time, there wasn't a substance I wouldn't ingest orally or nasally between the ages of 13 and 18 though. But cavities below the navel were for something else entirely. Wink, wink. Somehow, teens have gotten more creative and decided that tampons are an effective alcohol delivery system. Both girls AND boys. Who comes up with this?!

While kids are on my radar as something I want in my life, I think back to what I was up to as a teen, and monitor what "kids these days" are up to, and it scares the snot outta me. Knowing that I was a mess in high school, and convinced that karma's going to beat my ass on this one. How can teens be dumb enough to think that a cotton suppository is going to help avoid a positive score on a breath-a-lizer? Also, how can life be so difficult that they need that type of escape?

Monday, November 7, 2011

This just proves how completely screwed up anti-gay marriage views are.

I like the institution of marriage. I think it's wonderful that two people choose to commit their lives to one another, and in many cases, their children. When I eventually get married, it's going to be the first and LAST time I do it. The serious commitment of marriage is not lost on me. Being in love is one thing, being in love forever is another.

So, I know the Bible, buried somewhere in the chapters that no one reads anymore, says that homosexuality is "wrong" (btw: says in the same chapter that eating shellfish is "wrong" out Mid-South!), but it seems to me that the "institution" of marriage is a joke. Cite copious numbers of American TV and movie stars that get hitched for a paycheck, rather than for love. This will make great TV! Who cares if children are involved, or if we're bastardizing the sacred bond of two people wish to share for their entire lives?!

Marriage is for two people that agree to love each other, for better or worse, forever. Marriage is difficult, relationships in general are difficult, but if Kardashian-type behavior is the standard for "acceptable" marriages, we've got our priorities all wrong.

What people do in their bedrooms is their business exclusively. But when two men or two women wish to make a *life-long* commitment to each other, they should be allowed to do so. Not necessarily because it's their right (even though I really think it is), but because they're inevitably going to do a better job than the faux stars the American public chooses to idolize and emulate.

How can the right-wing, anti-gay marriage proponents look at this and think it's okay?

Remember when there was this cable channel that played music videos?

I think it was called "Music Television," or MTV for short. The channel that is currently titled MTV plays reality shows, and...well, reality shows.

Despite the inexplicable disappearance of music videos from television (except during the wee hours of the morning, when no one's actually watching), there have been a lot of innovations in making music videos. We've come a long way from the days of "Take on Me."

Check out this amazing stop-motion video using almost 300,000 jelly beans and 2 years of construction and editing. No matter what you think about the song, the video is pretty damn neat.

Aussies finally have it right!

After years of disasters in innovation (cite: Vegemite, boxed wine, and Australian rules football), the Aussies have come up with the coolest thing since the Black Box.

Check out the Super Hero license plate! Tennessee offers UT plates, hunting plates, St. Jude plates, and goofy looking "Support the Arts" plates. I'd rather support Batman, thankyouverymuch.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Bill Cosby would be jealous

We've all gotten them: horrifying sweaters from well-meaning relatives. I got a "Beauty and the Beast" monstrosity when I was 14 from a pair of very sweet grandparents. It was so tragic I couldn't even wear it in an effort to make them happy.

So, this Xmas, head your fiber-happy family off at the pass with your very own ugly-ass sweater. Plus! It's Cthulhu. Nothing says "Happy Birthday Jesus" like the god of ultimate destruction. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I got 99 problems, but a rotisserie ain't one

Ever craved some kabobs but realized that you're in the office with 900 projects to complete in 20 minutes? Sick, jammied, and not up to facing the world, but really need some shwarma? Living in Antarctica with no access to an outdoor grill or thermal socks?

The fine folks at the Carson Rotisserie company have your solution! Grill in a case. What seems like an innocuous aluminum briefcase is actually a complete rotisserie grill. Accentuate your sales pitch with a Brazilian steakhouse in a box! Who cares if you're selling pharma, tools, or clothes?! Everyone likes food.

Next: I'm hoping for a suitcase that will do a whole chicken. Or maybe a garment bag that smokes a whole hog? More portable meat, please!!

Friday, October 14, 2011

World's biggest rutabega gets the attention of world's biggest stoner

Oh, YouTube. Uniting horticulturists all over the world.

Getting knocked up gets easier

And you thought 1 foolish, beer-addled moment was all it took. Avoid the hangover and the uncomfortable "morning after" exchange of t-shirts with a free sperm donor.

Horrified as I was to read this article, it makes some sense. Although I'm still creeped out by a 40-year-old virgin that gets off on donating without the assistance of a sperm bank. Gay couples and the self-employed folks out there may be able to conceive after all, and with no financial fallout. Well, at least not before the child arrives.

Artificial insemination is expensive, as are fertility treatments, and not all insurance will cover those procedures. The sad part is that the FDA has intervened and is after the donors. The gentleman in the video below has been court ordered to stop the "cease the manufacture and distribution of sperm." (Personally, I'm not sure how that's possible...)

Read the article in Newsweek. It's very interesting.

WANT! Spherical panoramic camera

How cool is this?! Take photos from every conceivable angle at once. Christmas is coming, folks. Save your pennies...

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Damn cry baby

It's old news but still interesting. Apparently, one Richard Overton sued the Anheuser-Busch company for false advertising in 1991 because he couldn't bed the beautiful women in the commercials. He cited advertising that implies that one can do flips into a pool (without claims of potential injury) and subsequently impress attractive women.

People will sue over anything lately. Maybe I should sue Camel cigarettes for being so tasty. Or Miller Lite for not explaining that over-consumption of their products will give me a hangover. How about suing my job for stress, or suing the local supermarket for running out of the cheese I want (thus causing emotional distress and malnutrition)?

Our parents and their parents worked hard for what they wanted and weren't near as "suit-happy" as this generation. They weren't in this kind of massive debt, they didn't NEED the newest gadget, they made due with what they had available.

Calm the fuck down, and deal with it. Throw on your big boy/girl drawers and live like a decent human being. You know who you need to sue? The doctor that amputated the wrong foot. The dealership that knowingly sold you a car that would explode. The creator of the virus that stole your identity. The dumb, drunk bitch that totaled your ride. If you can't get ladies, don't waste the court's time. Get a self-help book and move on. It's much cheaper than legal fees.

FREE trip to Japan!

Apparently, Japan is hurting for tourist dollars. So, in an effort to drive (fly, whatever) traffic into the island nation, the Tourism Agency has proposed giving away 10,000 tickets to avid bloggers and social media users.

Hopefully, with 2 websites, 1 blog, 2 Facebook accounts with 1,400+ friends/likes, this girl is headed to Japan next April!

Monday, October 10, 2011

A bank for your MOST personal ASS-ets.

You keep your cash in a bank or in a box under your bed. One way or the other, your hard earned scratch is sacred to you.

So what about the VERY personal, although more easily amassed, fortune around your waistline? You heard me, what about your fat? If you're inclined to have your insulation sucked out of you at a premium, what happens to it? 

Now, there is a "bank" that holds your "Liquid Gold." Not the contents of your oil wells, the contents of your cottage cheese thighs and love handles. Should you ever need any squish back; say, for your lips, or butt, or whatever you've decided is sagging, it can be stored at The Bank of Fat.

If it's weird, it's in Florida.

Halloween is upon us

Aah, the one day of the year women can dress like sluts and children can take candy from strangers without any commentary from the peanut gallery.

Also the time of year we like to boost our adrenaline by engaging in "scary" activities: nighttime corn mazes, and haunted houses are making big bank for the next few weeks.

I don't go to haunted houses. Why? Because I'm the woman that covers her eyes at the movies when the music gets too ominous. I get physically ill in the wake of too much gore. (Cite: the super-speedy trip back to the house after a showing of "My Bloody Valentine 3D." Might have been the nachos, but pretty sure it was the blood.) I jump and "eep!" at every suspenseful turn. So, it stands to reason that I would not be willing to pee myself in public when someone jumps out at me from the dark with a chainsaw.

Is it a distaste for fear/lack of control, or some control-freak-i-ness that prevents me from screaming? Who cares. I'm not going to do it. Mostly because I don't want any photographic evidence of my intense fear.

Enjoy these photos of people getting scared into soiled drawers. And know that I will never be one of them.

If I had a nickel for every shred of fluff on my living room floor

I'd be an extremely rich woman. My pups are masters of destruction. Well, one is a master, the other goes along. Plush dog toys are expertly disemboweled in seconds around here. Rubber squeaky things are found in pieces in the yard a few days after they disappear (if you know what I mean, yuck). I even bought a $26 chew toy that had a video playing above it in the pet store of an adult tiger playing joyfully with it.

Me and my "smart" investment came home. I dropped it on the living room floor, went to use the restroom, and came back to find what was left of it strewn all over the house. Thank goodness for the "money back guarantee." I had to return it in two bags.

So this site makes me smile. It's good to know that mine aren't the only two pooches bent on total destruction. While my furniture is in largely good shape, I've got shoes that have seen better days, a few books that look more worn than they should, and countless rolls of toilet paper that are half what they used to be. Not to mention the occasional pile of vomit with remnants of easily identifiable favorite panties.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I'm sure you've heard by now

Steve Jobs, pioneer, inventor, iGenius, has passed. He's been sick for a while, but today he ended his struggle with pancreatic cancer.

While I'm an avid user of Apple products, the life of Steve Jobs was so much more than iStuff. He was an adopted child, a former HP employee, a college drop-out, a Buddhist, and a savvy entrepreneur.

Read more about the life of an innovator here. And here. And here.

Here's a toast to a great man. He changed the landscape of computing and social interaction. Steve, you will be missed greatly. 

The cutest power strip ever

We've all got them: power strips. Keeping our electronics from frying themselves, offering more room to plug other *necessary* items (har har) into the wall. But they're all beige, and boring. Why not shake it up?

Art Lebedev has found the solution: a digital pig. Why not? Considering how the electricity company here in Memphis HOGS my money, it's perfectly fitting.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Get your priotities straight.

I definitely need to take my own advice. I own a car I can hardly afford, I motorcycle I can't pay to fix, and tons of *stuff* I don't actually need. In fact, I have an "office" full of boxes I haven't unpacked in almost 5 years. Maybe more.

The economy sucks, the job market's worse, kids are killing each other, and I can't live without my damn iPhone. What's wrong with this picture? Not claiming by any means that I'm on the verge of an estate sale and a downsize to a cardboard box, but there are some things I (and you) need to think about a little more.

Artist Erin Hanson gives us some graphic insight into our collective excess. Remember as you look at these, that there are millions of folks with no iPhone, no Internet, no food, and no hope. If you're reading this, you have it good. And as I'm writing this, I understand that I have NO room to bitch. I'm employed, housed, and healthy. Internet access, freedom to express my opinion, and a forum in which to do it. Consider what you want and what you need, and make good choices. It's only fair.

Awww. That's cute. In the nerdiest way possible.

Years ago, I bought a coffee mug for my boyfriend (at the time) that said "I love you like zombies love brains." He didn't think it was as sweet as I did, because it's still at my house. So much for sweet gifts.

But these prints definitely get the message across. (Or I'm a ginormous nerd and can't express myself properly.) Tell your uber-smart BF or GF how you feel about them. I hear there's something called "Sweetest Day" coming up, which requires cards and flowers and crap. Make it happen, kids.

Friday, September 30, 2011

DJ Fuzzy-nuts in the hizzy!

Put your kitties to use. Get them spinning the sick beats at your next party, or busting out the vintage Al Green on date night.

Who's the culprit?

Once in a while, I come home to find something destroyed. Usually not anything important, a bag of ginger snaps I left on the counter, or a to-go box I neglected to put in the fridge, maybe a roll of toilet paper.

My older dog has the saddest "guilty" face ever. I know when it's her. But the younger one is clueless. He hops around and wags like everything's cool, and I really just shouldn't have left what-ever-it-is out. "You weren't here to entertain me, I HAD to eat the toilet paper."

I totally sympathize with this guy...

Why cough up for diamonds? Get her something she needs

Diamond engagement rings are pricey. I mean CRAZY pricey! The sad thing is, it's a tradition founded on a creative marketing ploy, not a time-honored tradition. In 1947, the DeBeers company launched it's "Diamonds are Forever" campaign in an effort to boost sales, suggesting that romantic love had to be backed up with an investment in jewelry.

So, here's my suggestion: *practical* jewelry. Rather than visit your local diamond merchant when you're going to pop the question, visit Amazon and get her something she can actually use. No worries about accidentally dropping that $4000 diamond in the sink or getting the setting caught in her hair while blow-drying. (Or scars from the wicked left-hook she shot you when you did something incredibly stupid...)

Genius, if I do say so myself. Why spend $1000s, when you can pay $10 for something that says "I love you," AND "honey, grab me a beer."

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tablet with 'tude.

I've been an Amazon customer for YEARS. If it's not on Amazon, it probably doesn't exist. I've purchased dresses and shoes, and motorcycle parts, and craft kits, and crazy gifts for friends.

Yesterday, I heard a great piece on NPR about Amazon's new tablet PC: The Kindle Fire. Not only does it access the 10s of thousand of books in their digital library, it reaches out to their movie and music content, holds Android apps, uses "Cloud" technology for faster downloads on its custom web browser, and is...wait for it...only $199. While it's not (yet) 3G compatible, it's poised to put the smack-down on the iPad.

I might have to join the tablet revolution. While a dedicated Apple customer, this price point is totally irresistible.

Could have used this in Chicago. Anywhere, really.

Apartment dwelling is a singular experience. Cramming your whole life into 900 square feet, and not being able to afford the place without a roommate cramming their whole life into the same 900 square feet. Communal living, no storage, tiny closets, sharing a bathroom with someone on the same schedule, walking the dogs at midnight in the cold. You couldn't pay me enough to do the "apartment" thing again now that I'm knee-deep in the "homeowner" lifestyle. Although, having the landlord responsible for fixing stuff was pretty great.

Maybe if I had an oasis, a personal "quiet place," I would have been more keen to the apartment experience.

The folks at Bloomframe feel my pain and have a solution. A window that turns into a balcony. GENIUS! Have a beer and watch the sunset. Read a book in the cool evening air. Enjoy the view and zone out. Construction companies need to get on top of this *quick*!

Monday, September 19, 2011

There's a museum for everything

I know there's a museum of of Sex, there's a museum of guns, and a museum of torture. Seems to me that anywhere there is a collection of information, there's a museum somewhere.

So while I'm horrified to discover this, I'm not surprised. Women have been cranky every 28 days for EONS. I guess it was just time for us to get our own museum

Welcome to the South!

Almost 5 years ago, I decided to pack my stuff and head South from Chicago to Memphis. While generally ill-informed about Memphis and its crime/corruption stats, it was the best decision I've ever made. I didn't recognize my friends in sunlight anymore, I was getting drunker and fatter by the second, it was time for a life change. Now I have a great house, a great job, great friends, and weather that can't be beat!

While on one of my first trips to Memphis to view houses, I discovered a door mat that I absolutely had to have. I really should have bought it when I saw it. Fortunately, the fine folks at Amazon have my back.

People are *serious* about their biscuits around here. You can't find a decent pizza or some saganaki within 100 miles, but biscuits are a totally different story. They smother them in sausage gravy (so they're all soggy) and call it breakfast. Five years later, I still don't get it.

Divorce isn't funny

More than 50% of the United States is divorced now. Children are increasingly coming from broken homes, alimony (er, "all-the-money") payments are taking over the house note, and even pets are learning to pack up their squeeky toys for a weekend at Daddy's. I'm hoping that the first time I get married is the last time I get married. But considering these stats, "pre-nup" has entered my vocabulary.

While divorce isn't funny, these cakes sure are. Having never been married, but having PLENTY of exes, I can empathize with these cake customers. Have I told you about the guy I changed the locks over...? Yeah,  I've been there.

So enjoy some delicious retribution for years of cheating, lack of attention, or whatever else caused these marriages to bust up.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Somehow, Tennesse exceeds Alabama

Tennessee has some "iffy" political practices (notably: that whole "no liquor on Sundays" thing). The "Don't Say 'Gay'" law comes to mind too. But at least we're not Alabama.

In 1998, the great state of Alabama outlawed the sale of sex toys.  Possession is not illegal, just peddling. So if you happen to find yourself frustrated, $60 in pocket, and seeking a release in Birmingham, you're best off seeking a hooker, because the sale of a sexual aid carries a $10,000 fine for the vendor, as well as a 1 year jail sentence.

Note to self: carry own vibes into AL, do not purchase.

Breaking up is hard to do

I've had my fair share of break-ups. The guy that uttered the "L" word and was suddenly MIA a week after, the guy that inexplicably decided that we shouldn't date anymore, the guy who decided I was "baby crazy" because I mentioned I'd like to have kids one day.

Lessons learned. Of the men that have wandered in and out of my life, there is only one I don't speak to anymore. Break ups are tough, but understandable. People can't date for a reason. From my perspective, if it's over, it's over forever.

So what do you do when it's over? Being the "dumper" is hard. You've invested time and love and, in some cases, money, in making the relationship work. What do you say when you can't invest another second? And being the dump-ee is just as hard. What did I do wrong, is there someone else, should I have put forth more effort?

So a Chinese company has designed a "break-up agent."  A total stranger takes the heat for you, and lets your significant other know that they are no longer significant. Genius!! Via text, phone call, or IM, your "break-up agent" will inform your not-so-much-better half that you're done. And even send consolation gifts for a nominal fee.

If only this would come to the US. I'm thinking that this might be a business venture I can get into. I know some guys...

Infomercial fodder, for sure

I heard a news story on NPR a while back that detailed the expenses of the US Congress. Not on things like education and transportation, but general day-to-day expenses. Many expenses weren't too shocking: office supplies, electric bills, etc. But the one that got under my skin was the nearly $1 million annual expense on...wait for it...bottled water.

Seriously?! Are there no faucets in the Capitol building? The EPA standards for bottled water and tap water are exactly the same, there should really be no health concerns or safety issues. In fact, wouldn't it be easier for terrorists to poison bottled water than a whole city's drinking water?

Personally, I buy a bottle of water about once every six months. I refill that bottle until the bottle is unusable, and go get another one. At home, I drink tap water. At restaurants, I drink tap water. Actually, Memphis has great tasting water. Why cough up beer money for bottled water from some spring in west nowhere?

So when I saw this, it was maddening. Not only are some lazy enough to purchase copious quantities of bottled water, others are lazy enough to require assistance *opening* the bottles. I get arthritis patients having a tough time, but the rest of us should really nut up and open our own damn bottled water. Arik Levy, please, don't enable the masses to be any lazier than they already are.

Like watching paint dry

Or tape lose it's "sticky." Except, watching paint dry doesn't involve near this much activity.

The patient genius of Johan Rijpma is captured in this video. All it's missing is some ambient techno and some glitter. Wow!

Tape Generations from johan rijpma on Vimeo.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Planking? Hah.

"Planking" (the act of lying, face down, across an object/location and taking a photo, thinking it's funny) has run its course. Make way for the new absurd Internet phenomenon: "Batman-ing."

Any jerk can lay flat across something, but only those with sincere tibular fortitude can "Batman".  I've seen Sorority monsters plank across the hood of a cab, but those orange chicks in inappropriate shoes would never be able to hang from their ankles without leather straps and some 'ludes.

There aren't enough treats on earth

I can barely get my little furry monsters to "sit" on command. One is deaf, the other is stupid: neither pay a lot of attention. If I had a nickel for every time one of them forgot that wet paws and hardwood floors don't mix (and subsequently ran face first into the oven), I'd be a rich woman. If I had the same nickel for every pile of poop I extracted from the dining room...another story entirely. (Just as tragic.)

I guess I should email Daniel Borris for some training tips.  Or cut my losses and leave a trail of Milkbones down the driveway...

Again, I'm not the kind of person who dresses their animals

And wrestling a pit bull into a sweater takes a solid 20 minutes as well as a family pack of Advil and some surgical gauze.

Admittedly, it's hard to resist these. Combining two of my favorite things: fuzzy puppies and dinosaurs. Can you imagine a deaf pit bull with white eyes and an under-bite rocking a raptor suit? Teh cuteness. I haz it.

What would make this better? If they made dinosaur suits for tiny giraffes.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cute? I haz it.

My dogs bark like they're being beaten if a leaf flutters across the porch. God forbid there's an actual person on the porch, they're going to try to break through the glass to get to the "new guy." (Oddly, once you have one foot in the house, they love you. You have treats, right?)

So this would never happen with my pups. They'd try to tear the face off the horse. Not because they hated it, but because the horse was bigger than them, and might take up their spots in my bed or need more treats.

Still, it's terribly sweet.

Stupidity is a helluva drug.

Ashley McDowell hit the jackpot. While at McDonald's, she was approached by 2 men that happened to have an iPad for sale. She also happened to have $180 on her. She got herself an iPad and a McDouble and went home to play with her new gadget.

Upon arriving at her residence, she pulled her new iPad from her purse and had some trouble getting it to work. Here's why: IT WAS A BLOCK OF WOOD. At least the thieves had enough sense to paint it black with an Apple logo on it.

She finally called in the dupe to the police. Who I'm sure were pissing themselves with laughter.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Jordan: the Final Frontier

Okay, I'll admit it. I was a Trekkie. When I was younger, I watched Star Trek a LOT. Especially The Next Generation. I loved the technology and the drama and the characters. There was intrigue and sexual tension, coupled with phasers and doors that made amusing noises.

My roommate (who claims he's not a Trek fan despite watching it daily), has the greatest blog ever: Star Trek Hugs. There's a lot of squishy intimacy in that show that's gone largely unnoticed.

Someone who HAS noticed how great the Star Trek franchise is, is the King of Jordan: King Abdullah II. He's planning to construct a $1.5 Billion Star Trek theme park. He's even made a cameo appearance (he's the guy with the blue shoulders) in a TNG episode. I'm sure Jordan's tourism could use a boost. This just might be the answer.

The park will contain hotels, restaurants, and theaters. Its 183 acres will highlight Star Trek features as well as Jordan's natural history. Neat, huh?

This is why firefighters are total badasses

I freak out when the temp gets over 90 degrees, so being a firefighter was never in the cards for me. Plus all that running up and down stairs and stuff. Totally not happening.

So when this video surfaced, I was even more impressed with firefighters than I already was. A car *explodes* immediately in front of this guy, and he just carries on. No prob, just puttin' out a fire. How amazingly brave is that?!

Xmas is coming. (Shut up, I know it's August.)

It's never too early to start planning for my presents. I've had a wishlist on Amazon forever that no one bothers to go looking for, so maybe someone reading my blog will get some decent hints this year.

While I usually slam Hammacher Schlemmer for selling completely idiotic gadgets for the rich and bored, (like power nap capsules, personal hot dog carts, and cordless gravy boats) this is one I can get behind. So what if it costs more than my car? Okay, 2 of my car. Maybe 3. I need this. I would build a garage for this. Possibly a shrine.

Sad thing is, I still haven't seen the Tron re-make. Time to hit the Netflix.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sushi for your sweet tooth

One of the greatest foods ever is the Peep. Tiny, adorable chick shaped marshmallows that only appear at your local convenience store in the Spring. Not only are they cute, they're entertaining. Try Peep wars: put 2 peeps on a plate, arm them with toothpicks, and throw them in the microwave. The Peep that survives is the winner.

When my brother (who is 10 years younger) was little, he used to refer to Peeps as "Chicken Sugar." The most apt description ever. Not sure why he didn't grasp "Peep," but "Chicken Sugar" has stuck for years. So check out some Chicken Sugar sushi. While it's fodder for "This is Why You're Fat," it's awful sweet. And great for those of us that don't eat swimmy food.

There are only so many avocado rolls a girl can eat.

Friday, August 19, 2011

SCIENCE! It wins again. (NSFW)

Science has given us many things: the iPad, gene mapping, cheap beer, the combustion engine, aerosol cheese, etc. Now it gives us a great argument for dudes to get chicks naked. As though the science of alcohol vs hormones wasn't enough.

The Brits have done it again! The Royal Journal of Social Anthropology has published that women who wear less clothes live 20 YEARS longer than those who are more modest. Less clothes, more years. I'm not sure this argument will work on the average bar fly, but it's certainly worth a shot.

Cover albums are always "iffy"

But there are a few that really do justice to the artists. Notably: "We're a Happy Family," the Ramones cover album is amazing. Care to hear Marylin Manson cover "The KKK Took my Baby Away"? You should.

Another cover album I'm fully endorsing is this one: "The Green Album." Those catchy tunes from childhood favorite films and shows, re-imagined by incredible artists like OK-Go, and Weezer, are must-hear music. Andrew Bird's "It's Not Easy Being Green" will bring you to tears.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Sweater weather is upon us

Although the US has been experiencing an unusual heat wave, we're sneaking toward the fall. Hopefully, Memphis will get one this year. We skipped right over spring, so maybe we'll get a nice extended fall as a karmic reward for 3 months of heat indexes over 100 degrees.

So when "sweater weather" finally hits, I'm prepared. Excellent hoodie collection? Check! Skinny jeans and cute boots? Check! "Squeezers" for inevitable cold weather weight gain? You bet.

Although I'm not nerdy enough to cough up $450 for an R2-D2 sweater, can't lie, it's pretty damn neat.

If bunnies had thumbs (and iPhones)

They would certainly purchase this.

I have a nifty, blingy iPhone case, but this one is awful tempting. It's even got a fuzzy little tail! Teh cute. It haz it. Available in 5 unnatural bunny colors.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Let's circle back and address this synergy

While I'm fluent in "corporate speak," I hate it. Seems to me that people need to say what they mean to say without disguising simple thoughts with clusters of words that may or may not exist. It's almost as though people with grandiose titles think that sputtering nonsense conceals the fact that they don't really know what they're talking about.

Here are some of my least favorites:
Surplussed - a fairly polite way to describe being fired
Deck - PowerPoint presentation
Cross-training - learning another employee's job so you can pile on to your already crushing workload in case they go on leave, or are "surplussed"
Apples-to-Apples - comparing like sets of data
Leverage - to use a resource
Recontextualize - examine an organization's place in a business environment (Is that even a word??)
Drill down - examine in more detail

For your edification, see this comprehensive list, and add your own hated corporate speak.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Need a hug?

Yeah, sometimes I have those days when I just need someone to pat me on the head, give me a big hug, and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Fortunately, artist Keetra Dean Dixon has come up with a solution that not only satisfies my need to be hugged, but also eliminates the search for someone to hug me.

Part of an exhibit that fosters "social facilitation and mood elevation," this hugging wall takes the anonymous type of Facebook interaction, and melds it with personal space. Just hug me.

Everyone's on pills now

Seems like every mental problem can be solved with pills. Your kid has too much imagination? Must be ADHD. Pills! You have trouble getting out of the bed in the morning? Must be depression. Pills! You can't get it up like you could when you were 17? Couldn't possibly be your age, must be ED. Pills!

Psychiatric drugging has infected the masses. And Hollywood is no different. I'm sure there are hundreds of starlets sucking down Xanax to cut the "edge" off, and aging leading men popping Cialis like candy to keep up with their 20-year-old mid-life, I mean, "girlfriends."

It appears that Disney is not immune to this craze. Our friends in the Hundred Acre Wood are just as prone to bouts of sadness and mania as the rest of us. Someone has released their psychiatric records...

Friday, August 5, 2011

Soylent green is PEOPLE!

Sorry for the spoiler, but it's true.

Considering the economy, and the rising cost of generic Spaghtetti-Os, I might eat these. With goat cheese, and a nice Pino.