Friday, September 30, 2011

DJ Fuzzy-nuts in the hizzy!

Put your kitties to use. Get them spinning the sick beats at your next party, or busting out the vintage Al Green on date night.

Who's the culprit?

Once in a while, I come home to find something destroyed. Usually not anything important, a bag of ginger snaps I left on the counter, or a to-go box I neglected to put in the fridge, maybe a roll of toilet paper.

My older dog has the saddest "guilty" face ever. I know when it's her. But the younger one is clueless. He hops around and wags like everything's cool, and I really just shouldn't have left what-ever-it-is out. "You weren't here to entertain me, I HAD to eat the toilet paper."

I totally sympathize with this guy...

Why cough up for diamonds? Get her something she needs

Diamond engagement rings are pricey. I mean CRAZY pricey! The sad thing is, it's a tradition founded on a creative marketing ploy, not a time-honored tradition. In 1947, the DeBeers company launched it's "Diamonds are Forever" campaign in an effort to boost sales, suggesting that romantic love had to be backed up with an investment in jewelry.

So, here's my suggestion: *practical* jewelry. Rather than visit your local diamond merchant when you're going to pop the question, visit Amazon and get her something she can actually use. No worries about accidentally dropping that $4000 diamond in the sink or getting the setting caught in her hair while blow-drying. (Or scars from the wicked left-hook she shot you when you did something incredibly stupid...)

Genius, if I do say so myself. Why spend $1000s, when you can pay $10 for something that says "I love you," AND "honey, grab me a beer."

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tablet with 'tude.

I've been an Amazon customer for YEARS. If it's not on Amazon, it probably doesn't exist. I've purchased dresses and shoes, and motorcycle parts, and craft kits, and crazy gifts for friends.

Yesterday, I heard a great piece on NPR about Amazon's new tablet PC: The Kindle Fire. Not only does it access the 10s of thousand of books in their digital library, it reaches out to their movie and music content, holds Android apps, uses "Cloud" technology for faster downloads on its custom web browser, and is...wait for it...only $199. While it's not (yet) 3G compatible, it's poised to put the smack-down on the iPad.

I might have to join the tablet revolution. While a dedicated Apple customer, this price point is totally irresistible.

Could have used this in Chicago. Anywhere, really.

Apartment dwelling is a singular experience. Cramming your whole life into 900 square feet, and not being able to afford the place without a roommate cramming their whole life into the same 900 square feet. Communal living, no storage, tiny closets, sharing a bathroom with someone on the same schedule, walking the dogs at midnight in the cold. You couldn't pay me enough to do the "apartment" thing again now that I'm knee-deep in the "homeowner" lifestyle. Although, having the landlord responsible for fixing stuff was pretty great.

Maybe if I had an oasis, a personal "quiet place," I would have been more keen to the apartment experience.

The folks at Bloomframe feel my pain and have a solution. A window that turns into a balcony. GENIUS! Have a beer and watch the sunset. Read a book in the cool evening air. Enjoy the view and zone out. Construction companies need to get on top of this *quick*!

Monday, September 19, 2011

There's a museum for everything

I know there's a museum of of Sex, there's a museum of guns, and a museum of torture. Seems to me that anywhere there is a collection of information, there's a museum somewhere.

So while I'm horrified to discover this, I'm not surprised. Women have been cranky every 28 days for EONS. I guess it was just time for us to get our own museum

Welcome to the South!

Almost 5 years ago, I decided to pack my stuff and head South from Chicago to Memphis. While generally ill-informed about Memphis and its crime/corruption stats, it was the best decision I've ever made. I didn't recognize my friends in sunlight anymore, I was getting drunker and fatter by the second, it was time for a life change. Now I have a great house, a great job, great friends, and weather that can't be beat!

While on one of my first trips to Memphis to view houses, I discovered a door mat that I absolutely had to have. I really should have bought it when I saw it. Fortunately, the fine folks at Amazon have my back.

People are *serious* about their biscuits around here. You can't find a decent pizza or some saganaki within 100 miles, but biscuits are a totally different story. They smother them in sausage gravy (so they're all soggy) and call it breakfast. Five years later, I still don't get it.

Divorce isn't funny

More than 50% of the United States is divorced now. Children are increasingly coming from broken homes, alimony (er, "all-the-money") payments are taking over the house note, and even pets are learning to pack up their squeeky toys for a weekend at Daddy's. I'm hoping that the first time I get married is the last time I get married. But considering these stats, "pre-nup" has entered my vocabulary.

While divorce isn't funny, these cakes sure are. Having never been married, but having PLENTY of exes, I can empathize with these cake customers. Have I told you about the guy I changed the locks over...? Yeah,  I've been there.

So enjoy some delicious retribution for years of cheating, lack of attention, or whatever else caused these marriages to bust up.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Somehow, Tennesse exceeds Alabama

Tennessee has some "iffy" political practices (notably: that whole "no liquor on Sundays" thing). The "Don't Say 'Gay'" law comes to mind too. But at least we're not Alabama.

In 1998, the great state of Alabama outlawed the sale of sex toys.  Possession is not illegal, just peddling. So if you happen to find yourself frustrated, $60 in pocket, and seeking a release in Birmingham, you're best off seeking a hooker, because the sale of a sexual aid carries a $10,000 fine for the vendor, as well as a 1 year jail sentence.

Note to self: carry own vibes into AL, do not purchase.

Breaking up is hard to do

I've had my fair share of break-ups. The guy that uttered the "L" word and was suddenly MIA a week after, the guy that inexplicably decided that we shouldn't date anymore, the guy who decided I was "baby crazy" because I mentioned I'd like to have kids one day.

Lessons learned. Of the men that have wandered in and out of my life, there is only one I don't speak to anymore. Break ups are tough, but understandable. People can't date for a reason. From my perspective, if it's over, it's over forever.

So what do you do when it's over? Being the "dumper" is hard. You've invested time and love and, in some cases, money, in making the relationship work. What do you say when you can't invest another second? And being the dump-ee is just as hard. What did I do wrong, is there someone else, should I have put forth more effort?

So a Chinese company has designed a "break-up agent."  A total stranger takes the heat for you, and lets your significant other know that they are no longer significant. Genius!! Via text, phone call, or IM, your "break-up agent" will inform your not-so-much-better half that you're done. And even send consolation gifts for a nominal fee.

If only this would come to the US. I'm thinking that this might be a business venture I can get into. I know some guys...

Infomercial fodder, for sure

I heard a news story on NPR a while back that detailed the expenses of the US Congress. Not on things like education and transportation, but general day-to-day expenses. Many expenses weren't too shocking: office supplies, electric bills, etc. But the one that got under my skin was the nearly $1 million annual expense on...wait for it...bottled water.

Seriously?! Are there no faucets in the Capitol building? The EPA standards for bottled water and tap water are exactly the same, there should really be no health concerns or safety issues. In fact, wouldn't it be easier for terrorists to poison bottled water than a whole city's drinking water?

Personally, I buy a bottle of water about once every six months. I refill that bottle until the bottle is unusable, and go get another one. At home, I drink tap water. At restaurants, I drink tap water. Actually, Memphis has great tasting water. Why cough up beer money for bottled water from some spring in west nowhere?

So when I saw this, it was maddening. Not only are some lazy enough to purchase copious quantities of bottled water, others are lazy enough to require assistance *opening* the bottles. I get arthritis patients having a tough time, but the rest of us should really nut up and open our own damn bottled water. Arik Levy, please, don't enable the masses to be any lazier than they already are.

Like watching paint dry

Or tape lose it's "sticky." Except, watching paint dry doesn't involve near this much activity.

The patient genius of Johan Rijpma is captured in this video. All it's missing is some ambient techno and some glitter. Wow!

Tape Generations from johan rijpma on Vimeo.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Planking? Hah.

"Planking" (the act of lying, face down, across an object/location and taking a photo, thinking it's funny) has run its course. Make way for the new absurd Internet phenomenon: "Batman-ing."

Any jerk can lay flat across something, but only those with sincere tibular fortitude can "Batman".  I've seen Sorority monsters plank across the hood of a cab, but those orange chicks in inappropriate shoes would never be able to hang from their ankles without leather straps and some 'ludes.

There aren't enough treats on earth

I can barely get my little furry monsters to "sit" on command. One is deaf, the other is stupid: neither pay a lot of attention. If I had a nickel for every time one of them forgot that wet paws and hardwood floors don't mix (and subsequently ran face first into the oven), I'd be a rich woman. If I had the same nickel for every pile of poop I extracted from the dining room...another story entirely. (Just as tragic.)

I guess I should email Daniel Borris for some training tips.  Or cut my losses and leave a trail of Milkbones down the driveway...

Again, I'm not the kind of person who dresses their animals

And wrestling a pit bull into a sweater takes a solid 20 minutes as well as a family pack of Advil and some surgical gauze.

Admittedly, it's hard to resist these. Combining two of my favorite things: fuzzy puppies and dinosaurs. Can you imagine a deaf pit bull with white eyes and an under-bite rocking a raptor suit? Teh cuteness. I haz it.

What would make this better? If they made dinosaur suits for tiny giraffes.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cute? I haz it.

My dogs bark like they're being beaten if a leaf flutters across the porch. God forbid there's an actual person on the porch, they're going to try to break through the glass to get to the "new guy." (Oddly, once you have one foot in the house, they love you. You have treats, right?)

So this would never happen with my pups. They'd try to tear the face off the horse. Not because they hated it, but because the horse was bigger than them, and might take up their spots in my bed or need more treats.

Still, it's terribly sweet.

Stupidity is a helluva drug.

Ashley McDowell hit the jackpot. While at McDonald's, she was approached by 2 men that happened to have an iPad for sale. She also happened to have $180 on her. She got herself an iPad and a McDouble and went home to play with her new gadget.

Upon arriving at her residence, she pulled her new iPad from her purse and had some trouble getting it to work. Here's why: IT WAS A BLOCK OF WOOD. At least the thieves had enough sense to paint it black with an Apple logo on it.

She finally called in the dupe to the police. Who I'm sure were pissing themselves with laughter.