Wednesday, February 22, 2012

And Americans wonder why we're the fattest nation on Earth...

Not only are groceries in general expensive (I work in this industry, I know), GOOD groceries are even more expensive. Sadly, absolute crap food is much more affordable than food that's actually good for you. The next time you see a fat person using food stamps, remember that. It's a sad fact that a double cheeseburger from McDonald's is cheaper than a Lean Cuisine.

New in the world of "fast food we don't EVER need to consume:" The Doritos Taco at Taco Bell. The yellow corn tortilla shell is replaced by a Doritos flavored crunchy thing that will inevitably kill you and cause some needless, class-action law suit ("I didn't know it was going to make me fat!").

Eat up, friends. At least Taco Bell is catering to their target audience: drunk drivers.

Tramps and Dinos - kinda NSFW

No, really. I don't know who Don Glut is, but he's got some hot friends and a pretty rad dinosaur collection. Yet more proof positive that you can get absolutely anything you need on the Internet.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Valentine's Day FAIL

Roses are sweet, chocolates are too. Even a card is a great V-Day gift for your lady.

But this is totally unacceptable. TOTALLY.

Pussy hair

This is beyond wrong. If "wrong" was the Milky Way, the cast of Star Trek would have to find this via some kind of wormhole.

It takes 20 minutes to wrestle a pit bull into an argyle sweater (I know from experience). How many Xanax does it take to get a cat into a wig?

You have to EARN it, boys

I've been on a dating spree lately. It has not gone well...

The guy that talked about himself for several hours, the misanthorpe, the guy whose OkCupid photos were VERY deceptive, the genius that discovered 30 minutes before our date that he didn't have any dough, and a host of other gents that really didn't deserve my time in the first place.

Guys: take it from me, you have to come correct.  There are things that women, even highly independent women like myself, need:

-you need to be interested in us, ask questions, we like that.
-you need to be a gentleman, even if we're not terribly good at being a lady.
-you need to be responsible. Keep control of your finances. Because if you can't keep up with that, what else can you not keep up with?
-you need to be attentive.
-you need to be honest, to a fault. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a liar.
-you need to follow through on your promises.
-you need to communicate! What do you want, what do you need? If you don't tell us, we don't know.
-you need to be able to make a decision: where would you like to have dinner? What do you want to do tonight? Stop asking for our opinion, if we've got an issue we'll tell you.
-you need to have a lot of confidence. If you don't love yourself, how are we ever going to love you?

There's about a billion other things that make a man attractive to a woman, but these are the basics. If there was a training course, merit badges and all, this artist would need to design them.

ATTN Spoiled brats: Facebook will bust you every time.

We're SUPER connected these days: smart phones, social media, video sharing, online job networking, Internet dating, etc. What many fail to understand is that the "you" that is on the Internet is permanent and searchable. Searchable by employers, friends, prospective dates, law enforcement, and parents.

So kids, if you say something foul, or think you're "hard," or post booty photos, or brag about smoking a bunch of herd, someone's going to see it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. And it'll bite you right in the ass.

Watch the whole video, but the aforementioned "ass-biting" happens about minute 7.