Bacon is not a toy

Sometimes, bacon can go too far. A powerful tool for flavor enhancement, bacon has been utilized for everything: lip balm, sandwich spreads, booze, jewelry, and countless other life saving technological advancements.

But with great bacon, comes great responsibility. These guys have taken it too far. Bacon and explosives do NOT mix. For shame. Perfectly good bacon wasted on ill-planned experimentation. At least there's a catchy tune to go along with the demise of these divine pork products.

So wrong, and yet, so right

Jam as much protein and calories into one package AND make it cute. This is why you haven't seen your feet since 1987. (Or had a date, for that matter.)

Budgeting woes

I sat thinking tonight, while having my second 3/4 sleeve tattooed on me, how much money I would have if I wasn't a tattoo enthusiast. I'm sure I would have a spare $4,000 or so per year. Then I got to thinking about how ridiculous it is that I will cough up all this money for tattoos, but won't pay more than $15 for a pair of new dress pants.

I always have a spare pack of cigarettes but never have any food in the house. I will spend gobs of dough on a motorcycle and all the requisite accessories, but can't be bothered to fix the windshield wipers on my car which haven't worked right in months. How did my priorities get so bass-ackwards?

So, on the subject of stupid crap to blow ludicrous amounts of dough on: this. Nothing says "my crotch has something to tell you" like a scrolling LED belt buckle. Volume discounts too!

One for the ladies

The crazy cat ladies.

Ever wondered how to get that impossibly independent feline to pay attention to you? Now you, yes you!, have the power. Get your cat's attention (and get those pesky co-workers to leave you alone) with Cat Food Scented Soap. Fluffy will *surely* come out from under the bed when he get's a whiff of you.

Maybe you can get the attention of that special tiger you've been eyeballing at the zoo.

Cruel, cruel irony

In an unusual twist of fate, the owner of the Segway Company (not the inventor), has died in a freak Segway accident. Multi-millionaire James Heselden and his Segway fell 30 feet to their demise off a cliff, and into a river, in New Yorkshire, England.

Although this news is sad and it's a tragedy all the way around, you almost can't help but crack a smile over the cosmic irony of it all. It's like if I was killed by a stack of pre-stretched canvas, or one of my own paintings.

Turn signal backpack

The turn signal for cars was made standard equipment in the 1930s. Why is it that Memphis drivers can't seem to figure it out? Another thing Memphis drivers can't seem to figure out is bicyclists. Do I mow them down? Do I freak out and jam into the next lane to avoid them? Do I honk and make hand gestures indicating that I don't wish to share the road with anything that's got less than 4 wheels?

So designer Lee Myung Su has created a backpack that makes cyclists more visible to cars, and also avoids the use of those silly "turning" hand signals that no one knows how to interpret anymore.

I kinda really want one...

Breakfast needs all the excitement it can get

Honestly, breakfast lacks a lot of pizazz. You can dress up your eggs with salsa, or sausage crumbles, or jam 400 different things into an omelette, but eggs are eggs. Blah.

And pancakes are limited on creativity too. A few bananas or blueberries can only take them so far. Until now! Who knew that pancake sculpture was a viable form of art?

Vacation planning 2011

Now that flights anywhere are a bazillion dollars, and hotels in any moderately "cool" location are just as expensive, vacations are something you have to plan for, like a car payment. You can't ever start too early.

I did a cruise last year, a quick run to Chicago this year, time for something really interesting next year: it's between Disney World and this place. I figure they're both equally creepy.

Truth in advertising

Need a mobile home? Need a cheap, pre-owned (or as antique dealers like to say, "well loved") home? Want that dream pre-fab pad without the hassle of high-pressure sales tactics, and the smoke and mirrors offered by the average sales staff?

Well, look no further! The double wide of your dreams is at Cullman Liquidation. The Lee family will provide you with a house. That's it. Kind of refreshing, isn't it?

On a side note, apparently these guys have produced amusing commercials for FREE for businesses all over the US. Their YouTube page is terribly entertaining.

I thought college was supposed to make you smart

Personally, I have an art degree, so I KNOW I have no marketable skills. But someone with a communications background should *surely* be able to script a resume better than this.

(Here's the text, so when this post expires, it doesn't get lost to the vast reaches of the Internet:

"looking for a legitimate form of employment.......i can email u my resume if needed....i'm good with people and for some odd reason they feel comfortable around me.....i attend the U of M majoring in communications in foreign linguistics,but i'm taking the semester off to get finances situated. So, im opened to work any time Full time,part time,temp, otherwise ......i do have some managerial experience...my typing skills do go beyond computer lingo.....so if anyone knows of any places,have any type of connections please hit me up")

Culinary nerdery

For the pizza and Star Trek fanatic in your life. Why reserve all your geeky behavior for the living room (and in extreme cases, the bedroom)? Bring that madness on into the kitchen. When your 20-sided-die chooses pizza for dinner, bust out this little gem.

Chattering teeth

Need some excitement in your mixed drinks? (Personally, I'm excited enough by the whiskey, but I guess others need more. Whatever.)

Scare Grandma with these ice cubes. Or your liberal politics.

Brilliant buffet-ware

You've been there and you know it: beer in one hand, at the start of the buffet line. What do you do? If you tuck it under your arm, you run the risk of spilling it. If you leave it on a table, you might get germs from some mooching stranger. You could always struggle with the plate and utensils all in one hand, but that can spell disaster for your beverage.

Finally a solution to the buffet dilemma: these. Someone in the design department had a beer or two and thought of us serious drinkers at the picnic.

Ok GO does it again.

Chicago natives Ok GO have cranked out some of the most amazing music videos ever created. Mostly because they're not only incredibly complicated, but they're also filmed in a single shot. In other words, they're not only neat, they're very well thought out.

Starting with the infamous treadmill video, moving on to the world's most complicated mousetrap, and a colorful workout from 1983, the boys of Ok Go have hit it on the head again with "White Knuckles."

Awesome as usual.

Incredibly aggravating gift

If they made this thing standard on beers, I'd probably quit drinking.

Your future: hipsters

What would happen if nothing was "cool" enough to support? If the only transportation was a vintage bicycle and a helluva lot of caffeine? If all your clothes were mis-matched, and only irony was funny, would you only watch movies in French?

Blogger Caldwell Tanner asks the same of our superheroes.

The Panda will not be denied

Advertising is increasingly losing creativity. Why come up with something memorable when we can have a bikini model hold the product? Or use some music from the Billboard top 20 so the kids will relate to it? Or scare the consumer into "needing" our product with threats of germs, failure, and poor health?

The Arab Dairy company took a different approach: violence. Buy our product or get the crap kicked out of you by a large furry. Well done.

Dragon Con - a costume summary

Annually, the South's biggest nerds converge on Atlanta to...well, I really don't know what goes on there. And the more that I learn about it, the happier I am being kept in the dark. Dragon Con (I'm guessing, at least based on other conventions I've been to) provides an outlet for the socially awkward to interact without the pressures of being average.

Chad Vader (Darth Vader's brother) provides a run-down of the costumery one can expect to see at the event.

Creative mediuns in art

I have seen people sculpt dresses from meat, paint with blood, and create some really shockingly inappropriate things with yarn. This one, from artist Ivan Lovatt, is a whole lot less disturbing, but you still have to wonder how he settled on that medium.

You Tube cures what ails you

There is nothing that makes me laugh louder and longer than cats falling off stuff. In fact, if I'm having a bad day, my first stop (after the liquor store, of course) is You Tube for some kitties embarrassing their species by failing to land on their feet.

Periodically, the "related content" shares some gems from other species. This time it was foxes. The only animal apparently bright enough to understand how to use a trampoline.

Farmville is SO 2009

I heard this neat little news story on the radio on the way home from work today. Apparently, your Internet gaming habits can assist in curing diseases. The creators of "Foldit" recently had a conference of the best players, one of whom was a 13-year-old from Virginia, whose participation ultimately aides in biological research.

Now if they can only hook it up with Facebook we'd be in business...

More Xmas gift hints

I really hope people are paying attention here. Or I'm going to have a sad Xmas...

What better gift than sneakers with my name on them?? Helllllll, yeah.

Finally a tool for those of us to lazy to go get the actual tool from the toolbox

I've "eyeballed" everything I've ever put on my walls. Measurements in my house are "about" or "around" or "approximately." After all the screwball measurements I've taken with my hands and feet, someone has finally come up with a way to add some accuracy to add to the "eyeballs."

Neat, huh?

Free ammo!

When I wake on December 25th, I hope a fat guy in a bad outfit has broken into my house and left this in my sock.

Yes.

For the Golddiggers out there (NSFW)

And for the heart-broken who've fallen victim to cash over love.

There's nothing like a man that loves you for you, and all of your faults. Money and glamour are fleeting. Love, real love, lasts forever and sustains a woman more than Gucci and Prada. Purses will go out of fashion, shoes will perish with wear, but a man that loves you is priceless.

Classic!

Accessories for hunting...well, really life in general

Let them know who they're dealing with right from the start.

This says: "I'm a multi-tasker. I can drink beer AND mow the lawn without losing a second."

This says: "I mean business. Party is a VERB in my world."

This says: "Too lazy to get out of my lawn chair, and too fast to care."

Dedication. In cammo.

Flying the friendly skies just got awkward

I'm not a good flyer. I need sedatives and whiskey to take off, and a good, solid buzz to navigate/tolerate airports. Additionally, airplanes have gotten noticeably smaller since I was 10. (Or maybe I've gotten noticeably larger. Whatever.)

And airport security doesn't help the experience: strip and hope you're not "randomly selected" for a bag check, because you have exactly 2 hours to wade through a sea of humanity, avoid that random fudge shop, and find your gate, that has inevitably been re-located clear across the airport.

$500 dollars later (including fudge shop), you're jammed into a cylindrical vehicle that smells like Grandma's house, and has upholstery from 1977, with safety instruction card to match. There's no clear rules on who gets which arm rest, you're inevitably stuck next to a ginormous fat guy that snores, and god-forbid you get the aisle seat: what you think will give you a little extra room will also get you hit by the drink cart.

And where the hell are my pretzels??

So, flying, expensive and aggravating already, may soon get even more uncomfortable. Great. I'm tired, aggravated, broke, squished in, scentually assaulted, and now my pants are jammed up into my lady-gear for the next two hours. Great.

And the airlines wonder why they're losing money...

Food imitates art

I LOVE Threadless tees. Not only do I have friends that work there, but their designs are from independent graphic artists with a incredible sense of style. AND they actively engage their customers in choosing designs, and participating in company events. Actually, I'm kind of jealous of the friends that work there. I think it would be a great company to be a part of.

Also: they have spectacular sales just before Xmas. Just about everyone I know gets a unique tshirt at the holidays.

In addition to great shirts, they also have fantastic contests. Apparently, they have a contest to create cakes from their shirt designs. One fellow blogger made a "Crazy Cake" that mirrors one of my favorite shirts. Major kudos to the Crazy Cake Company for the delicious re-creation!

Show them you Nem-oh face

Aah, Halloween. That time of year when little kids are finally allowed to take extraordinary amounts of candy from strangers, we intentionally cover our houses with spider webs, and women suddenly find the greatest excuse to dress like an absolute tramp.

The years have shown us just exactly how far this "sexy" creativity can be stretched: sexy Harry Potter, sexy Ghostbuster, sexy nun, sexy Freddie Kruger, and countless other tasteless and inappropriate options. Some things were meant to stay un-sexy.

One of those things is fish. Okay, seriously?? Wow.

Neurotic stuffed animals

Life imitates art. Or toys imitate life. Whatever. The "Paranoid Crocodile" is my favorite.

Energize your camp fire

I'm a big fan of coffee. Or rather, I'm a big fan of beer, and so my coffee fanaticism Monday through Friday is usually brought on by a headache. (Actually, it's medically proven fact that caffeine is good for headache pain relief.)

So what if the caffeine had a more pleasing delivery system? Let's face it: coffee tastes like hell without calorie rich additives, and those super-charged energy drinks aren't too much better.

Problem solved! Not only are they caffeinated, they evoke the spirit of the Ghost Busters. Oh, Bill Murray. Sigourney Weaver was SO not right for you. Call me.

Defense Mechanisms in Nature

Evolution is a neat thing. It gave birds more effective wings, cheetahs speedier hunting skills, people better posture, and the shark absolutely nothing. Many animals with limited strength-type defenses are given other ways to keep themselves out of harm's way. Spiky fishes that puff up, lizards with silly collars, and that thing that hippos do with their tails, are great examples.

This frog has a great one. Might work for the average subway rider too.

People of Wally World

As though Wal-mart wasn't morally reprehensible on all fronts, some of their customers are too. If you don't know about this site, you should. (Makes us average folks feel much more well-adjusted.)

Wonder what she's searching for? Hostess products...?

Monster motorcycle, probably the safest vehicle on the road

I've got an AWESOME motorcycle ride planned for this weekend with a vintage club I belong to. Unfortunately, I will not be on the ride, because not only has my bike developed this quirk where it stalls itself if you go over about 30 mph, I'm scared to death of Memphis drivers.

I've had 3 friends crash their bikes in the last 6 months (although only one of them involved a car), and I don't want to be the victim of a forgotten turn signal, or grandma not paying attention while trying to figure out how to text.

I ride a bike that's older than me. Badly, I would add.

So maybe if I had this bike, I'd be a more confident rider.

Taking "woofer" too literally

The traditional stereo speaker is an unattractive little black box. Without significant expense, there's really no way around that universal truth. There have been egg-shaped attempts, tall and skinny attempts, table-top attempts, and various sleek wall-mounted attempts.

Now for something completely different. And vaguely creepy.

I kinda really want some...

Bingo!

I'm not sure why it took a scientific study to come to this conclusion.

(I wonder if anyone commented on my wall post....?)

FDA takes on the 3 eyed salmon

The FDA recently approved the first genetically modified animal for human consumption: a salmon.

While I'm not a fish person (severe shell-fish allergy, all other swimmers are guilty by association...), the Weight Watchers junkies I know are all about the low-calorie, low-fat protein. I worry for their safety. The gene inserted into the salmon is referred to as the "anti-freeze" gene. The salmon may be endangered, but is it really necessary to adjust its genes to ensure survival as a buffet item?

Apparently, the FDA is also NOT requiring vendors to claim that their fish is genetically modified, yet. The fish has been engineered to grow twice as fast as a "natural" salmon, but you don't need to know.

All of this makes veganism more attractive. (Spoken as a Baconista...consider THAT.)

Wash me!

We've all seen the occasional short bus on the highway with something lewd scribbled in the dirt on the back. The lazy co-worker's car with "wash me" fingerprinted into the rear window. Graduates with their grad year scribed into the recent relics of "mudding".

Personally, I have more dead bugs on the front of my car from a recent drive through southern Illinois that I could make an amazing sculpture of insect wings in about an hour.

Who knew this could be high art? I wonder what the artist does when it rains...

Portable Pizza

I'm a woman on the go. I have places to be and things to do and tasks to complete.

I am also (as demonstrated by my mid-section) a pizza junkie. So this little gizmo appeals to the lazy/busy in me. And also to the completely insane traffic Nazi in me. Get OFF the damn phone!! You're disrupting my pizza time.

Cute or tragic? You decide.

On my road trip to Chicago recently, I saw 2 of these on the highway. 2 totally different cars, trailered behind 2 totally different motorcycles. One matched the motorcycle dragging it completely.

Comfy...maximized

When I bought my first house, I decided to furnish it with everything I've ever wanted in the furniture department. Comfy sofas, HUGE dining room table (that I sadly never use), and a PRINCESS bed. Four poster, totally ginormous, dark wood, the whole sparkly package.

The more that I get acclimated to my house, the more I realize the princess four-poster madness was a huge mistake. I'm not that woman. I'm this woman.

*Sigh.*

Pimp my wall

I've toyed with the idea of turning my Charger into a serious hood-mobile: chrome caps on the rear view mirrors, chrome gas cap, sick 20" spinners, ridiculous pearlescent paint job, the whole nine yards. But I live in Memphis, so my Charger would become someone else's Charger pretty fast.

So these guys pimped their ride in ways I can only dream of. I'm not sure I would have chosen the same theme though. Kinda screams, "I can't cope with real interaction, so I am a pimp on the Intarwebs."

Jim Davis would laugh at this...maybe

The 80s brought us many funny moments: Gallagher, Alf, roller skating parties, Hammer pants, NKOTB...the list goes on. But the funniest by far was Garfield. The lasagna-addicted cat of a single loner. Fat, orange hilarity in skinny anthologies.

Unfortunately, Hollywood's recycling crew has made Garfield a laughing stock. Quotably, the only movie Bill Murray has ever regretted being involved with.

Well, 1 guy and some furries have reclaimed Garfield's power as comedic genius with Lasagna Cat.

Enjoy the strip, the absurd laugh track, and perverse (not perverted) music video that follows.