Monday, April 23, 2012

Remember when there was life before the Internet?

Back in the day we had to call each other to spread gossip, have cool friends to hear about the latest bands, and read these things called "books" to get information. Wow, those were tough times.

Before chat rooms, before YouTube could teach you everything, and even before Facebook (really?!), there were LOLCats. Not the Cheezburger cats, but LOLCats. Everyone's favorite meme was once distributed by post. Like with stamps and stuff. Crazy, huh?

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Fire your dogwalker, I guess

Great news for those of us who aren't lucky enough to be independently wealthy, or a stripper, or some other big money career that let's you be home during daylight. If you're wondering how to keep your inside dog entertained while you're out all day making dough to buy dog biscuits, search no more: Dog TV is on the, Internet. (They're hoping to get a national distribution deal, but they're only on the air in California right now.)

The 24/7 doggy cable channel isn't full of shows about cute puppies and training tips. It's full of images of the mail man, playing children, and nature scenes - shot from a dog's perspective. Apparently, the score was composed with dogs in mind also. (How that works, I can't begin to imagine...)

So rather than kenneling your furry friends, or hiring some jaded hipster to drag them around the block twice a day, you can park them in front of the TV. Just like you do with your kids...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Aaaaand reality sets in.

There's a song that's been playing on the radio just non-stop lately: We Are Young. It's cute and catchy...and totally irrelevant to anyone with a 401(k), kids, and a mortgage.

So the folks at Sketchy (Yahoo's comedy series) have responded with a song for the rest of us. If your job zaps your social life, if your friends are all married, if you're more concerned about mowing the lawn than who's playing your favorite bar this weekend, listen up.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Someone's having a birthday next month

And this is what I want. I know I've requested flame-throwers, Uno cards, sniper school, and a saws-all in the past. But now I'm 100% certain: crush two cars with a tank. Only a teensy $750 investment on your part. Several people can pool their resources, I don't mind.

Can you imagine a happier lady?!

Eating from your crotch area just got fashionable.

Ever been on a romantic date in the park, seated on your little hippy tapestry with your love-muffin, thinking "this paper plate full of potato salad is just to heavy"? Well form, function, and fashion collide in the Pic Nic Pant.

Not only can you create a little spandex table while cross-legged - complete with cup holder, you can also use them as a sail while base-jumping. (Previous statement not endorsed by creator.)

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Boobs. Not as fun as you think.

Boobs are great for feeding babies, using to get your drinks for free, and holding stuff like cell phones and lighters. But that's about it. Believe it or not, those of us that are "top-heavy" aren't terribly pleased about it.

There are several problems with having ginormous melons:
*Don't talk to my breasts, they're deaf.
*Just because they're bigger than my head, doesn't mean my brain is in there somewhere.
*My dress size isn't controlled by my waist like all the other ladies on earth.
*Lingerie shopping ceases to be fun when you have to go to the "minimizer" section. Try being a 30-year-old woman in a granny bra. Sucks.
*Your boobs have a mind of their own: knocking stuff over, accidentally rubbing your bits up on others while trying to squeeze through a tight space, among other things.
*Try crossing your arms over these suckers, seriously.
*Ruffled blouses are totally out of the question. And swing shirts make you look preggers.
*Ever tried to sleep on your stomach with a sack of potatoes immediately under you? Um, yeah.
*Let's not get started on posture problems...

So in honor of those of us that nature "blessed" with these cursed fat sacks with nipples, is Busty Girl Comics. Enjoy.

Is there anything you CAN'T find on Google?

I maintain that if you can't find it on the Internet, it doesn't exist. People have challenged me on this a few times, only to be vigorously defeated with *zero* humility.

Cite: Hooker tracking shoes, Cat food Soap, Panda hat with Mittens, etc...

Now, you can be fully prepped for the impending Zombie apocalypse (you know it's coming, don't live in denial) with the help of your friends at Google Maps. Knowledge is power when it comes to taking on the undead. Now the locations of all the best sources of guns, groceries, and 2x4s are right at your fingertips. Simply enter your location, and up pop all your nearest loot-able resources.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Bone Pugs are gangsta, for real tho.

Nothing says "'hood" like cute dogs in little hats and bling.


Suddenly, wine is freakin' awesome!

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't recognize a good pino grigio if it kicked me in the shins. Yeah, wine's okay, if you're seeking that elusive "dumb as a sack of hammers" kind of drunk, but otherwise, it's just a force 10 hangover and stained teeth.

Plus, it's just about impossible to look like a badass while drinking wine. You can't shotgun some vino to impress your buddies, you generally drink it in a foo-foo glass you'd be discouraged from moshing with, and slugging wine from the bottle makes you look even more trashy than that Milwaukee's best you're sipping right now.

And so, my friends, and yours, Slayer, have come up with a solution: "Reign in Blood Red." I don't care who you are or where you come from, drinking a wine inspired by Slayer is just about the epitome of badassery. (I said it, it's a word now, deal with it.) Only one way it could be cooler: if the bottle was scored so that you can easily crack it on the side of the bar and menace haters with it.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

If you don't think this is adorable, you have no soul

Puppies are cute, dogs are cute, really, anything with fur is pretty damn cute.

Add water and giggle.

Birthday is fast approaching, get to work...

I've made Amazon lists, I've hinted to friends and family, I've straight out told people what to get me for gifts, and no one listens. Not to suggest that I'm not pleased with birthday gifts (except for that one ex that got me a friggin' bath romantic...), on the contrary, I'm very easy to entertain. Action figures, Uno card sets, obscure weapons, whatever.

This year, I'm putting my foot down. For my 31st, I want a flame thrower. THIS flame thrower. Never mind the saws-all I've been asking for for years and forget the expensive jewelry. "What are you going to do with it?" Oh, hell if I know, but I think I need a flamethrower in my life much more than I need some Wii games.


(I'm back!)

I'm always on the lookout for neat housewares: cool art, amusing furniture, silly knick-knacks, etc. Especially if I can find them on sale. If it's more than 50% off, it's pretty much sold. I don't care if I *need* a condiment gun, if it's on sale and hysterical, it's mine.

That being said, this little gem is NOT on sale, but is so completely awesome I would sell a kidney. (Anyone know someone looking to buy...?) Who doesn't need a dinosaur radiator? No one. For serious.