Continental Airlines colossal screw up

I don't know about you, but my dogs are like my kids. (In fact, my dogs make me so nuts, I'm not sure I could handle kids at this point.) They both have their own personality, they are both need hugs and reassurance, they both are expensive as hell.

So, when an airline LOSES YOUR DOG it would be expected that you would get just as crazed as if they had misplaced your kid. Shoot, I get homicidal when the lose my luggage.

In a really adorably charming bit of irony, they have another dog searching for the missing one.

Custom kicks

Or as another blogger called them "Caped Crapkickers."

English artist Brass Monki hand paints Nike dunks in the most badass ways. I would wear these suckers to the office without a second thought. RESPECT the cape!

I really wish I had a spare grand or so...

I'll see you all in hell

But I'll be a little late...

Musical chicken obsession

I worked with a woman, let's call her "Tina," who was OBSESSED with chicken. If Tina wasn't eating chicken, she was talking about chicken. She could be bribed with chicken. She had a pair of foam rubber chickens on her desk that we stole and took incriminating photos of. She was devastated until they were returned. I painted her a picture of chicken, but living and cooked, that she proudly displays in her living room. Tina is a woman who could start her own chapter of CA ("Chicken Anonymous").

This video is for her.

One lump or two?

I've always been fascinated by packaging design. Who decided to put pantyhose in an egg? Why don't stuffed animals come in boxes when they're the most likely item to be repeatedly molested in the toy store? What about the "vortex" in the neck of Miller Lite bottles makes any damn difference?

While these tea bags may not serve any more effective tea-delivery function, they are awful neat.

Directions to set (NSFW)

Over the course of my relatively short working life, I've had my fair share of brain-dead co-workers. The catering waiter that wouldn't take the toothpick out of his mouth, despite being repeatedly begged. The raver that did K in the bathroom at the children's toy store. The woman who spent more time loudly planning her 5-year-old's birthday party on the office phone than *actually* working.

I show up and do my job. And fail to understand how difficult it is for others to just do the same, regardless of their job description.

Below is an exchange I wish I could have had with a number of co-workers.

Cooking with beer

Or rather cooking beer.

I've heard of beer-battered shrimp, but what about battered beer? There are beer brats, beer can chickens, beer cheese soup, and countless other ways to cook food with beer. So why not cook beer itself?

Brought to you from the Texas State Fair. (Don't even pretend to be shocked.)

Need to get laid more? Might be time to change careers

There are hundreds of secrets to frequent sex: hanging out in hookup bars, pheromone perfumes, website for similarly sick puppies, self-indulgence, etc...

I heard once that people who smoke clove cigarettes are more sexually experienced that regular cigarette smokers. (I doubt that highly, as the person telling me this was smoking a clove cigarette.)

Turns out, one of the best kept secrets to non-stop nookie is on your business card. There are 5 careers that get laid more than the rest of us. If only I had gone to law school. *sigh*

What do you buy for the girl with everything?

A little something that will get her pulled over by the fashion police.

Blingy bandaids - papercuts with style

Band-aids have evolved from sterile white, to vague (mostly white people) skin color, to character themes, to wild shapes, and now have evolved even further.

In the vein of fashion designers designing beyond the dress form, Cynthia Rowley, whose drapey resort wear has been donned by fashionistas world-wide, has branched out into ouchie-wear.

Why cover that grease burn with a plain ol' tan strip when you can cover it in sequins?

Uncomfortably wedged into unusual spaces

Most certainly, I am NOT a fashionista. (I'm a Baconista.) My 9-to-5 wear is usually black pants with colored shirt and black or white cardigan. My casual wear is jeans and t-shirt. No stylish deviation whatsoever. If I look "cute" or "fashionable" for any reason, it's accidental. I'd be a great candidate for "What Not to Wear." *hint, hint*

But for all the fashion that I personally lack (which I can directly attribute to previously mentioned beer and cheese sticks), I'm a helluva critic. So I LOVE this site. While the ladies running this blog are snarky enough, I have some critique to add to the photo below:

Lucy Punch (who I've never heard of) should fire her stylist. Quickly. Her out-dated, drab little outfit looks like it's jammed uncomfortably up into her lady bits. The fashion tragedy would only be worse if it was a bright floral print or had an ill-placed tassel.

Woody Allen, who is weird in his own right, needs to fire his tailor. The pants are way too "grandpa" for a respected, Hollywood film-maker (grandpa). And lose the attitude.

And Gemma Jones, please totter back to the hippy-commune you just fell out of and change into something more formal. The carpet under you should be grass, not red.

Please let this be a warning to your children

If they tell you they want to be a farmer when they grow up, warn them immediately about the dangers of farm equipment and meth. And nudity. This was once someone's kid. I'm sure his parents are awfully proud.

I'm fairly certain this is a hoax, as hay balers are VERY dangerous bits of equipment. And whomever is shooting the video sound suspiciously like Roseanne.

Sonic sinks

The news keeps wanting to blame it on the intense rain, but I think the store was choosing to mimic what happens to the sofa when you plop your tater tot-suckin' rear down after a foot long coney and a banana cream pie shake.

Mmmm, coney....

*sigh*

Sweet god of junk food, this is SO wrong.

I like a good cheese stick. And the occasional funnel cake. I admit it, I've eaten bacon (only) for dinner on occasion. And there's really nothing like a deep-dish Chicago pizza. (My cholesterol hurts just thinking about it, but my mouth is watering too...)

While other fast food chains have attempted to offer more healthy options like wraps, salads, and low carb options, our pals at Burger King have acknowledged who's eating at their restaurants and catered to their tastes once again.

From the Enormous Omelet Sandwich of 2005 to the ongoing Quad Stacker, Burger King has been boosting business for cardiologists all over the country. Now, with the new NY Pizza Burger, BK has reached new dietary lows (and caloric highs).

Enjoy. Or rather, please don't.

For children?? I think not

While the designer's philosophy on WHY this is an excellent item for children is brilliant ("Why would kids want to sit down and be quiet when furniture is so boring."), I think the adult market would be much more enthused by this furniture.

I'm in the market for new sofas and Tetris-esque furniture is awfully tempting.

Music from HELL

How do you make a ukelele cooler? (No, that's not a rhetorical question.) Have Cthulu design it.

While you're pounding out island jams on this uke, Satan is strangling a kitten.

Where's my phone???

If you're like me, and millions of others, you've abandoned the land line for a totally "cell" lifestyle. Land lines are expensive, dripping with telemarketing, and totally unnecessary when you can be reached on the go.

If you're like me, and millions of others, you're also a drinker and highly forgetful. There's a cell phone pocket in just about every purse I carry, but I can't ever seem to manage to put the cell phone back in there.

So, for those of us unfettered by a land line, and re-fettered by beer, there is a solution. Can't find find your phone? No prob. As long as it's not on vibrate, you're covered.

Kick-ass cookies

As a "perpetual kid" myself, I LOVE this website. Although, have rarely been able to justify purchasing anything.

But it's almost baking season, and I may have to indulge myself.

Office dress code

A few months ago, our HR department hauled every woman in the company into a meeting to go over the dress code. Totally unnecessary, in my opinion. There are certainly a few folks that could stand a wardrobe update into corporate America, but the rest of us didn't need to lose an hour of working time to go over something that's publicly published. The dress code isn't exactly a secret.

I know how long my skirts need to be, I know not to wear stripper heels in the office, I know that my cleavage is not to be spilling out of my shirt, and I know that t-shirts that say "Porn Star" are probably not a great idea. Why not isolate the habitual offenders and discuss with them in private?

I'm pretty sure that a closed-door meeting with this guy would be awful interesting...

Suddenly, "Casual Friday" has morphed into "Slovenly Wednesday."

They say, fences make good neighbors

So, what if your neighbors make strange fences?

Takes all kinds, I guess

There is someone for everyone. I firmly believe that. No matter how homely or weird or psychotically damaged you may be, there is someone out there that's looking for you. Apparently, they're looking for you from prison.

Oh, what would we do without the Internet?

I will NEVER complain about traffic again.

Never.

Beijing, China is officially in gridlock meltdown. Apparently the traffic problems started in June and July on this 62 mile stretch of highway, and have recently been exacerbated by increased truck traffic and road construction. Commuters have now been at a dead stop for 9 DAYS.

Locals are capitalizing on the traffic tragedy by selling food and drinks at a premium price. (So much for communism, eh?) The jam is expected to last at least another two weeks. If I *tried* to get to work can I still get paid?

Just because I work in customer service, doesn't mean this was the ONLY job I could get...

I have an art degree, and therefore, no marketable skills. If I wasn't moderately charming and extremely organized, I'd never work. So, throughout high school and college, and on into adulthood, I've worked in some kind of customer service function. There was the toy store, the gift shop, the restaurant(s), the catering company, and corporate customer service.

In the last 14-ish years of various customer service type roles, I have heard my fair share of stupid questions, handled various unrealistic demands, diffused delicate situations with logic that wasn't originally present, and even had my life threatened over a Beanie Baby.

Finally, someone has compiled all the ridiculous stories I have to tell, and more, into a website that allows those people behind the counter that you harass mercilessly to share their pain.

Remember: when you're homicidal over some colossal screw up, or turning red because your coupons aren't ringing up right, you may end up on this website...

Strip aerobics

These places are popping up everywhere. As far as I understand, it's a pretty good, pretty empowering workout.

Say what you will about the integrity of the average stripper, but to "work" that pole with any kind of pizazz, these girls need to be in good shape. I'd like to see you try half those acrobatics without a personal trainer and a gym addiction. (No, really, please send video.) Strippers who do the whole "pole" dance thing definitely deserve some respect for their physical discipline.

So, apparently, in India, scantily-clad athletes work the pole too. Just not in the way that you associate with late nights, over-priced beer, and body glitter.

Who thought this was bright? Seriously.

In intense heat, there's really nothing as satisfying as a frozen treat. (Especially if it's vodka soaked watermelon slices, but I digress. Kinda.) Popsicles can be shaped like rockets, cartoon characters, fruit, just about any mold you can fill with an over-sugared liquid and freeze, makes an excellent summer treat.

Some aren't as well thought out as others. At all. Really.

Crochet POWER

Admittedly, I've been too distracted by 900 other projects to crochet anything. But with cooler weather on the horizon, the yen to be surrounded in fuzzy balls of comforting cotton is getting stronger. I have a bad habit of going to craft stores and rubbing the various types of yarn on my face. I'm sure it's very amusing for other shoppers...

Turns out, there is a pretty passionate fiber art community out there, cite: the Knit Mafia. Cafe Press offers some pretty amusing swag for the dedicated hookers.

It's a tough world we live in, equip yourself appropriately.

Crime's up, unemployment's up, cost of living is up, and justice is a pervert.

2 years ago, my house was broken into while I was at work. I STILL remember the feeling of absolute horror as I walked into my house and noticed the TV (a 42" LCD, I might add) was missing. I compulsively washed everything I owned because "they may have touched it." It was awful. I installed iron bars on every window, bought a cop car, upgraded my alarm, learned to use a shotgun.

What burned worse was a letter I got a year later from the State telling me that they found the guy that robbed my house. I searched his name on the local paper's website, and found he was in there TWICE before he robbed me. He was convicted and got 4 years, but I bet he'll serve 18 months, tops.

Sob story aside - now you can choose an accessory that says: "Is my wallet, or my pistol in here?" Not like a badass purse can really keep you from being robbed, but it appears to be at least big enough to hold a taser.

Real genius is timeless

Everyone needs a hobby. A little exercise in togetherness by Tom Lehrer.

Tragedy in the tattoo parlor (kinda NSFW)

I am HEAVILY tattooed. So much so that I wear long sleeves and pants in 120 degree weather to hide it from my job. (Although, they all *know* about it...) In almost 15 years of being tattooed, I have had my fair share of secret shames. Most of which I have paid a premium to have covered by less shameful designs.

Confession time: my secret shame is the Dave Matthews Band "fire dancer." I got it when I was 16, it's on my left hip, it's freaking terrible, but mercifully tiny. I've resisted the urge to have it covered. Mostly because there's only 2 people that see it (me and my sweetheart), and also because it speaks to my 16-year-old self. There was a reason I had that tattooed on me. (Hell if I can remember what it was....)

But there are others with exponentially more inexplicable tattoos than I. I wonder what it'll look like when the hair grows back...eew.

I'm the Senator your Senator could be

Old Spice has had some of the most hysterical ad campaigns in the last few years. Bruce Campbell, and the toned dude on the beach/horse are fantastic. I'm a girl and I want Old Spice. (Really, I want anything that makes Bruce Campbell even cooler than he already is. Sold!)

On the flip side, political advertising is, hands-down, the most boring, catty, ineffective advertising on TV. I want LESS to do with candidates that smear their competitors and spend campaign donations that insult the intelligence of their constituents.

This guy has the right idea. (Or maybe not. You decide.) One way or the other, Vermont probably has some very important choices to make...

How to make a strong first impression

Business is tough these days. Everyone is looking for bigger, better, faster, more, and cheaper. The economy is in the tank, jobs are nowhere to be found, and it's getting harder and harder to be noticed in a sea of college educated, desperate waiters/waitresses.

Making your mark is more important than ever. A pristine resume just won't cut it anymore. So, take your self-marketing out of the print shop and into the butcher shop.

Presuming your interviewers are carnivores, they will be impressed. (But bring a paper card incase they eat the jerky one.)

Exercise is good for you.

Any exercise routine that's good enough for Yoda is good enough for me.

I would NEVER be late for work if I had this.

Okay, I lie. I'm terrible at mornings. Probably because I'm really good at beer.

But my THREE alarm clocks aren't doing the trick, so maybe it's time to throw another player into the game.

Can-struction

My local grocery store is a NIGHTMARE. The parking lot is tiny and ill-managed. The store rarely has enough staff to accommodate the neighborhood. The layout was designed by a monkey with a pencil - canned tomatoes on the same aisle as tampons. The last time I was in there, I needed ground turkey, some nice crusty bread, and parsley flakes. 45 minutes I'm still in the check out line and bordering on homicidal.

Maybe if there was something more entertaining to look at, I would be better able to resist the urge to beat my fellow shoppers with stale bags of bread.

A place for everything, and everything in its place.

While I've maintained for years that organized people are simply too lazy to go looking for stuff, I can appreciate identifying specific spaces for specific items. If your furniture comes pre-labeled, it certainly makes organization, however haphazard, even easier. I've been looking for somewhere to store my rockets...

I gave you Syphilis

Soft, cuddly syphilis. And Mad Cow too. I might give you Malaria for your birthday....if you're lucky.

Take your pets with you wherever you go

Someone out there has made a mint on designer dog carriers for your fluffy little friends. And someone else made even more money on creative ways to haul your kids around with you. FINALLY someone has thought of our little feathered friends.


Okay, you really CAN'T be serious......

Give breakfast a charge

Breakfast, let's face it, is boring and under-appreciated. Eggs - not very exciting, Oatmeal - just about as entertaining as watching grass grow, Bacon - pretty exciting, but not a whole meal, the list continues...

Designer Shay Carman can shock some life into your toast. Next: glow in the dark cereal.

Don't be a F****** bum! (NSFW)

Paula Deen's got nothing on this guy. A modern Julia Child, with a serious drinking problem. Eff you, Emeril. Meet the Drunk Cook. A Steamwhistle guzzling chef with colorful cooking tips, creative concoctions, and, I suspect, a helluva hangover. If it can be deep fried or pounded, this guy can do it.

Creativity meets cussing and culinary prowess. The bacon cheese deep-fried hot dog is only the icing on the cake. Although most of his delicacies are suited for the county fair, there are a few gems like lobster risotto, and osso bucco. Check out the whole You Tube channel for more kitchen advice your mom never delivered quite like this.

Tragic or Charming?

Dr. Martens has a history of stylish but utilitarian foot wear. They've recently branched out into more trendy territory with wedges, heels, fun colors and prints. But this takes it too far. Somehow, I didn't see Sanrio and the boots I use to ride my motorcycle in partnership. Ever.

FINALLY! A Snuggie just for me.

Heroes in a half shell. Now I can answer the phone, read a book, write crap down, eat pizza etc. in the winter. The fashion gods were listening.

Better than a basket and streamers.

Remember when all you needed on your bike were a few stickers, a basket, and color-coordinated streamers that matched the Barbie motif? If you were one of the fancy kids, you got a matching bell. I was not a fancy kid...

Bikes, especially in big cities, are serving a less recreational, more utilitarian purpose. With gas prices as they are, the cost of reliable cars being unattainable for many, and traffic being more and more aggravating (especially in Memphis, but that's a MUCH longer story), bikes are becoming a more viable mode of transportation. Why not outfit your 2-wheeled ride with the accessories you REALLY need?

Basket - okay.

Streamers - ironic, but amusing.

Baggage storage - necessary.

Horn/Bell - try riding WITHOUT some way to let drivers know where you are!

Bottle opener - YES!!!

If you're like the bike messengers I know, you're a beer fan. Enjoy.

Is this evening wear? Or more of a daytime thing?

I like a unique handbag. I have heavy metal, snake print, obnoxious colors, interesting shapes, just about every kind of handbag that screams "look at me". They're mostly jammed in a steamer trunk in my closet.

We've all seen the tiny crystal evening bags shaped like lips or peacocks or some other exotic thing that can't possibly fit your cell phone, cigs, house keys, chapstick, and wallet. And they're $900 zillion dollars on top of the inconvenience.

So the fine folks at Pylones have solved the interesting-shaped-handbag vs. extraordinary cost dilemma with this darling (???) rubber chicken. No, I'm not kidding. And fairly tempted...

Check out their other bits of weirdness too. There are a few kitchen gadgets that are definitely conversation-starters.

Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.

That's a quote from Ben Franklin, so it must be true.

Beer is the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, I think I consume more beer on a weekly basis than sliced bread. (Which could account for my steadily expanding mid-section...)

But there is somewhere the line needs to be drawn. It's here.

A cold beer on a hot day is pure zen, but it can be taken too far.

Paper bag, redefined

While I'm all in for conserving stuff and being "green" and whatnot, being green seems to come with a hefty price. I can buy locally sourced organic, but why cough up the dough when the regular ol' super market has the same kind of stuff at a substantially reduced price?

Sure, it may be covered in pesticides and nonsense, but I have insurance. (Note: Flawed logic.)

Some take the "green" thing too far. There's a difference between collecting reusable shopping bags from your local grocery store, and shelling out several car payments for a leather "shopping bag."

Lego EXTREME

I was a Lego *junkie* as a kid. I constructed everything I could possibly construct: tanks, buildings, robots, cityscapes, EVERYTHING. I must have had 20 buckets of random Legos.

But as time wore on, the Lego sets became more and more restrictive. You MUST construct this Star Wars vehicle, or you MUST construct that Barbie themes house. They remain that way. Where is the creative impulse? I'm sure that reading instructions is a valuable life skill, but where's the encouragement for kids to create what they envision all by themselves?

Well, an English artist took my 5-year-old construction plans to a new level. Creating a Lego house was always a dream of mine, especially having to listen to my parents complaining about home-ownership and mortgages, etc.

Someone's got a brilliant marketing department.

The fine folks at the Cleveland Company make restaurant quality equipment. Including steamers.

Think about it for a minute......

Some people and their technology.

I've been craving an iPhone since they came out. But not being on the AT&T network and not having a spare bagillion dollars at the time, I didn't get on that train. Did the same thing with the iPod. Avoided the expense forever, until I was held up by a guy wearing an iPod. I must be the last on every Apple bandwagon.

Honestly, I don't need to be any more connected than I already am, but I'm terribly jealous and waiting until my current cell contract runs out to re-evaluate my position on this gadget.

Others aren't fans, apparently.

Bing! Boing! Ding!

I have a cousin that decided, half-way through college, that he was going to repair pinball machines for the rest of his life. KUDOS!! I wish I could tell my corporate job to stuff it, in deference to a project that consumed my energy and creativity. Oh, I like keeping the lights on, that's why.

Pinball players and repair-ers have the law to worry about in NY. Good thing my cousin is in Cali.

Lost dog

Some people love their pets, others loathe them. Case in point....

Sniffles enclosed...

I'm definitely a "dog person." I have 2 pit bull mixes - one is deaf and the other is stupid, so neither listen to me. But they're like my kids, and they're definitely (at least in behavior) brother and sister. The fight just as much as they snuggle, if not more so. And they fight for "Mommy's" attention too.

But my two furry dummies aren't too good with other dogs. So this video totally makes me sniffly. One dog saves another. Shit, people don't even do that. Man's best friend is also his own.

Some people take their planets VERY seriously

When I was in third grade, we had to memorize the planets. (Still not clear on why that's something a third-grader needs to know, but whatever.) We were told to memorize them as follows:
"My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Pizzas.

Not too long ago, NASA took away the Pizzas. And what third-grader can live without pizza?!?

See the average 9-year-old's reaction here.

What do you think? For the dining room, maybe?

I'm in a steady (albeit very SLOW) pattern of nesting. Drapes, art, etc.

What do you think this says to dinner guests? "Eat and get out"? Perfect.

Easter candy, remixed

If you're like me, you have relatives that think you're still 6-years-old, and send you piles of candy for Easter, which you inevitably stuff in a drawer somewhere, or pawn off on co-workers over several months.

Well, there is an annual competition that has found a use for all those left over marshmallow animals. (Other than microwaving them until they explode, of course.)

Giving "Peep Show" a new name. Oh hell yeah...

Christmas is coming, sooner than you think

All the big box stores are putting up their Xmas gear, so there's no reason I can't start making my wish list now. Especially with a starter such as this.

Oh the things I could do with these sneakers...*sigh*

How to quit a miserable job

I worked at one of those "themed" restaurants once. Not for long. I should have seen the signs: character sketch required upon hire, ALL other staff members were actors (not me, I assure you), required dance routines, overpriced cheeseburgers, etc.

I woke up one morning, and thought to myself: "Do I REALLY want to go to work today?" The answer being "no," I called in. Originally intending to call in sick, I came up with something more true to my feelings.

I still don't know who answered the phone. I think it may have been one of the line cooks.

"I'm not coming to work today, or ever again, because I'd rather be hit by a bus."

Boy did I mean it.

Had I been more enterprising in my college years, I would have documented everything wrong with the operation and written a scathing letter to corporate or something like this.

Good luck, sister!!

8/11 UPDATE: Turns out, this was a HOAX. Boo...I was so proud of her.

Online shopping gets serious

I am an Amazon.com JUNKIE. If there was an AA (Amazon Anonymous) group, I would be the first member. If it's not on Amazon, it probably doesn't exist. Or at least, I haven't discovered that to be false yet.

Case in point.

Read the customer reviews. Amazon has the best Uranium around, for sure.

You Tube Remixed

Quite a while back, NPR ran a news item about an Israel-based musician/artist/DJ called Kutiman, who remixes You Tube videos into...well, whatever it is. Inspired by watching a drummer's uploaded video, he added the rest of the composition.

I like that, while artists like Rock Sugar remix major label musicians (probably at a hefty premium), Kutiman takes the work of the bored and camera-ed, and turns it into gold, WITH appropriate credits.

Enjoy!

Running late for work

So I woke up this morning SUPER late (no more sleep aids on work nights!), and breezed out of the house without drying my hair. Hence I looked like a re-animated, drowned rat the remainder of the day.

While driving and simultaneously trying to fluff my hair dry (as though that was going to make it better), I found myself wishing for a hairdryer I could plug into my cigarette lighter. Logic caught the best of me and I thought, "That's ridiculous! Surely, nothing so dangerous exists."

I was wrong. And you know the first warning on the packaging is probably "Do not operate while driving." Probably because some genius like me did it...

Someone suggested....

That I start a blog compiling all the weird bits of nonsense I find all over the Interwebs. Considering how frequently I bombard my friends with emails containing links to various things I discover while avoiding doing any kind of meaningful work, I thought it was a pretty good idea. I'm sure this someone is probably tired of me cluttering her work inbox with links to videos of cats falling off of things, and news stories with heavy doses of irony, so why not stick them all in one convenient location.

So lets start with this little gem from Pickle TV, a local cable access series by Memphis filmmaker/writer/actor/director John Pickle. While the video is amusing in itself, what's really hysterical are the comments. Who knew so many people were passionate enough about Christopher Walken to send grammatically iffy death threats to a stranger.

Check out the rest of Pickle TV too!

(There's some language...NSFW.)