Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Amateur Night 2011

Tomorrow is the big day. The day when everyone in the US ties on too many green beers in celebration of some guy that may have alleviated a snake problem 1000s of miles away. The one day of the year where a serious drinking problem will go largely unnoticed. St. Patrick's Day.

While the historical significance of March 17th is up for debate, the social significance is irrefutable: get wasted. I wouldn't be surprised if national productivity takes a sharp down turn on March 18th.

A few hints that will keep you out of trouble tomorrow:
1. Pinch me. I fucking dare you. How will that green shirt look with a black eye?
2. Avoid calling midgets "leprechauns." This is never acceptable.
3. Beer is not supposed to be green. Don't be fooled by the festiveness.
4. Just because you drank up the courage to talk to that hot girl in the shamrock pasties, doesn't mean that you should try to muster the courage to drive home.
5. Ladies: keep it in check. Gingers are not okay.
6. Don't be a jackass. Tip your bartender VERY well for putting up with this foolishness. And if you don't, don't be surprised when he/she rips those shamrock antenna off your head and jams them in your eye.

Personally, I will be getting myself schnockered at home. Not willing to brave the roads with the hoards of geniuses bar-hopping against snakes, or celebrating the invention of whiskey, or whatever else.

Good luck out there. Be safe.

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