Why "Trump" your lady friends when you can just turn on the lights?

Just a few days left before this election nonsense is over. I find both candidates reprehensible, but in the usual style of American politics, will be voting for the lesser of two extraordinary evils. Yaaaay.

"The Donald" is the poster boy for misogyny, and probably suffering delusions of grandeur. An orange syphilis with a red tie, he embodies every man women fear will violate them - physically, politically, socially, spiritually.

So, why not just embrace your inner dickhead and drop a load of dollars on this lamp? No need to worry about lawsuits from office diddling, or neck punches from strange ladies on the subway: go home, smack that booty (with life-like jiggle!), and get lit!

The really sad thing is that I am incredibly tempted to install this in my home office. The even sadder thing is the number of people I know who would likely do the same.

As though I NEEDED another reason to drink beer...

"Beer is proof that god loves us, and wants us to be happy."
-Benjamin Franklin (or Homer Simpson, I'm not really sure)

Ignore for a minute all the things that beer is not good for: weight loss, relationship decisions, general hydration, blood sugar maintenance, dancing white dudes, etc. Let's talk about the things that beer IS good for!

Gastrointestinal Health: beer aids in digestion! Some beers trigger the release of gastric acids that make easy digestion possible and nukes the bad bacteria that lives in your tummy.

Bone Health: beer is a source of silicon, which is a component of healthy bones. Screw you, Milk! Take your calcium, and pound sand.

Kidney Health: while beer is busy pickling your liver, it is also preventing kidney stones. I learned this from a co-worker who had horrible kidney stones until her doctor advised her to start drinking beer. Never a kidney stone again! (Fact check if you like.) Put down the soda, and pick up your favorite hoppy bottle for relief.

Heart Health: moderation is key on this one. Slamming down a 12-pack every day isn't going to do much more than give you a headache, but a pint or two daily lessens your risk  falling victim to heart disease by 31%. Those are some delicious odds.

Now, beer can save your bones, and save you some bones in the home decor arena. Everyone has seen those neat beer bottle candles and glasses at street festivals all summer - how do they do that?!

Do it your damn self. Drink beer, be healthy, make stuff. Kinkajou!

It's 95 degrees out here, why are you wearing a sweater?

Way back in the day, I had a pal in high school who was excessively hairy. I mean, to the point that it looked like he wore an angora sweater to the indoor pool, and it puffed up over a fully buttoned dress shirt and tie. Hirsuitism is a sign of excess androgen, so he may well have had some sort of hormonal imbalance indicative of another, more serious medical issue. Or he may have been a testosterone heavy super-lover. Either way, we politely ignored it.

As a woman, hair removal is a constant inconvenience. Legs, pits, bikini area, face - I would never brush my teeth again if it meant that I wouldn't have to deal with the stigma associated with my (relatively minimal) volume of body hair. Waxing, bleaching, laser treatments, and plain old shaving are either expensive, marginally effective, or time consuming. I have a period every month - could the universe cut me a break on something?!?

There are thousands of gadgets out there for us ladies to deal with our body fur, but men's gadgets only concentrate on the face. (And thank goodness, because that whole "lumberjack chic" thing is SO 2014.) Finally, someone has come up with a simple tool for my brothers with follicle challenges south of their neck line!

The baKblade isn't the final solution for hairy dudes, but it certainly makes keeping your man mane under control easier and less costly. Plus, you can save the embarrassment of having to ask your Girlfriend to help. (Protip: we like to help you out, but not with this...)

Learn some stuff, ya turkey!

So, the Internet has recently crapped its collective self over a video of a guy filling a pool with Orbeez, and explaining the science behind why you don't sink to the bottom. (I guess spending the 1980s terrified of quicksand was all for naught.)

Speaking as a woman who has had the experience of diving into a pool of fake jello (floral gel crystals), I can tell you first hand how completely insane this feels. I had floral gel in crevices I didn't know I had for like three days. Hindsight being what it is, Orbeez may have been a better option. Lesson learned.

The incredible popularity of this video tells me 3 things:
1. This guy absolutely hates his wife.
2. I have picked the wrong career: getting paid to do bizarre things on the Internet is really more my speed than anything else.
3. People like to learn stuff, as long as it is presented in a compelling and interesting way.

In the spirit of learning, interesting, and compelling - please allow me to introduce The Backyard Scientist.  A molten metal junkie if I've ever seen one. And I haven't. Enjoy!

How to improve your food, in 3 easy steps

Having lived in the South for almost the last 10 years, I have learned some very important truths about food consumption. Most important being: Yankees are doing it wrong. Y'all.

Rule #1:
If it is edible, it is better deep-fried.

Rule #2:
The addition of bacon to whatever you're consuming makes it at least 25x better.

Rule #3: 
Food on a stick is > food not on a stick.

In that spirit, please let me introduce: The Rollie. Because scrambled eggs are just too complicated.
("Perfect for the office"......??)

Friends don't let friends drink and Amazon

Occasionally, I wake up a bit early (only occasionally), and enjoy a cig on my front porch while watching the sun come up. The neighborhood stirs, I sip a little coffee, and check my email. Ordinarily, a pretty peaceful AM ritual.

However, there are some mornings I wake up to a flurry of order confirmation emails from Amazon. This, friends, is how I discover that I drank too much the night before. A few days later, I find the following sitting on my front porch when I arrive home from work: a neon purple handbag, a red & white striped maxi dress, a 4 slot USB hub, a new pocket knife, and a pair of skeleton salt & pepper shakers dressed as formal bunnies.

Easy on the whiskey there, speedy...

Ouchies!

We had our annual "health screening" at work today. Basically, I HAVE to take it to reduce my health insurance payments on each check. At other companies I've worked for this practice has existed, but hasn't had a really big financial impact. At this company, the payment decreases by 50%! So, at 8:06am, I allowed a pair of strangers to take my blood and report just how fat/unhealthy I am to my employer.

First, the results were kind of surprising: blood pressure was cool, cholesterol was cool, sugar levels were cool. I'm not sure what a "triglyceride" is, but apparently I have a lot of them - not cool. Then the BMI....we're not gonna talk about that. Ever.

Here's what this brings up: how does someone like me, with a distaste for sweat, exercise, and anything I'm not particularly good at, get her spherical ass back into a decent shape? In my search for stress free exercise programs, I tripped across this site.

How cool is this - exercise for NERDS!! No juice-heads on the next treadmill over, no pre-teens wandering around in panties and sports bras - self-directed, and digitally accountable progress measures. Because if I can't look good in person, I better look good on the Internet. When I graduate, can I get a sword?

Entrepreneur, or Entrepre-neurd?

Some days, the universe destroys your faith in the rest of humanity to be intelligent and decent to one another. Other days, it's flooded with escapist cuteness. And on rare days, it reminds you that there ARE smart, ambitious folks out in the world that want to challenge your intellect and bring you joy.

Meet Brady Whitney. A tragic name for a dude, in my opinion. But he fully overcomes any giggles shot his way with his Kickstarter campaign to create the "Codex Silenda."

In an age where Pokemon Go is the only thing getting kids (and many grown ups) off the couch, games/puzzles that require some thought are extremely marketable. Basically, if I can utilize this item without moving, turning off my computer or TV, while talking on the phone, and texting - gimmee!

Attracting readers and puzzle fans alike, his hand-crafted "book" provides a complex puzzle, engaging story, and piece of art - without the astronomical price tag of similar craft items.  Check out his video below for more detail on exactly how this thing works.

With a desired funding goal of $30,000, Brady and his Codex have earned $170,557, with another 20 days to go! There's your proof. Good guys win (and win BIG) once in a while.

4.083333-Year Vacation

So, if you are reviewing this blog, you may notice that there is a 4 year and one month gap in posts.
Frickin' get over it.

I've been busy with my "real" career, and being responsible for unholy amounts of some corporation's money doesn't leave a whole lot of spare time for commenting on the Internet. Fortunately, I've made some work/life adjustments that will allow me to share more of the bizarre, amusing, and twisted thoughts that cross my mind when wandering the world wide web of weirdos.

In my real life, I have been recruiting! Which completely sucks. Not only are there about a zillion HR regulations on what you can and cannot say, people look SO much better on paper than they do in person. Why do I need to spend an hour of my valuable time chatting with you about your career aspirations, only for you to confess as you're leaving that you really just want to get the heck away from your current boss?

There are 1,000s of resources for job seekers needing instruction on how to ace an interview. Try reading one. Or two. It'll impress the mess out of your potential future employer, I promise. Also, dress like you give a crap. Save the casual togs for when you actually get the gig.

Then to the resume: if you can't spell, you can't work for me. If your job history is a laundry list of positions held for less than a full year, you're out. But, if you can craft a resume like this guy, you're hired! Comprehensive, covers applicable skills/experience, and...well...see for yourself!

Word of the day: Anthropomorphic

Pee Wee Herman would be proud.

From Archie McPhee, purveyors of fine life tools like absinthe floss and squirrel underpants, now bring you the greatest accessory you will ever need. Nothing injects levity into a situation like sticking googly eyes on your favorite inanimate object. A stapler, a can of soda, a pack of smokes - the possibilities are endless!

Unless you're dealing with very large objects. The average pair of googly eyes really won't do much good on your piano. But wait! For a one time payment of $7.02, you can get giant googly eyes!

Put googly eyes on ALL THE THINGS!

Appealing to your inner intellectual badass

Let's be honest: there are VERY many more things sexier than the History Channel. I'm not talking about Cinemax after 11pm, but Swamp People, Cops, and whatever's playing on PBS at this very moment are certainly in the running.

So in an effort to make history "sexy," and therefore interesting to us plebs with birth dates in the 1980s that don't pay attention to anything unless it's on fire, designer Jenny Burrows decided to embark on a project that demonstrates how tough historical figures are in comparison to some modern "heroes."

Sadly, her use of the Smithsonian's logo went "too viral" and she was asked to take down any options to purchase these as prints. Quite a shame because "Historically Hardcore" would have been an amazing ad campaign. Some of the simplest facts, presented in the most direct ways can be incredibly persuasive.

My Little Pony gets a makeover

Artist Mari Kasurinen is an...artist...? I guess there's a market for every kind of art. Even if it's pony-centric.

While I never had a desire to have a horse as a child (too much poo!), I had a pretty serious fondness for My Little Pony. They're cute, have fun hair, and magical powers. How can an 8-year-old resist?! Okay, a 31-year-old is pretty helpless too...

But why stop at plastic toys and cartoon shows, when you can market to the parents? Your toddler may be entranced with the pony with the diamond on its tush, but you will certainly be taken in by the Michael Jackson pony you can sport on your desk.

Only $250 each. Just a car payment. No worries.

Monster trucks are getting more monsterous!

And nothing is more right with the universe.

We recently celebrated the date on which all our dreams of hoverboards were broken. But some are keeping hope alive by modifying the time travel vehicles of the past into the badass, Ferrari smushing vehicles of the future.

Muddin' in a DeLorean...new levels of rednecketry to be attained.

I don't care who you are, this is freakin' adorable.

I've been inundated lately with Facebook posts about friends getting married and having children. It's getting old, cut it out.

Grizzled and grouchy as I've become, I can still appreciate creativity and cuteness where it can be found. As well as the talent it requires to create stop motion animation. Plus, Lego totally rules.

The most underrated hat EVER

Hands down - it's the fez. Why aren't these things more popular? Only monkeys and Middle-Eastern guy stereotypes in movies wear them. They're comfy and stylish. We need to get a fez on Jessica Simpson's giant baby, or Barack Obama.

I need a Cthulhu fez in my life...for serious.

Hear that dull thud? That's Thoreau rolling in his grave

I get "gamers." There's something really wonderful about exiting your own reality to enter another, possibly more pleasant one. Feeling like a zero in real life and feeling like a hero in digital life can have some really positive results. I've dated my fair share of gamers too.

But there's just something sick about this. Thoreau wandered off and wrote about his experiences because he was dissatisfied with life as it stood. He needed to disconnect with the universe and understand himself - build a cabin, fish, reflect, etc. Living deliberately.

Of all the things to create a game about, Walden is just about as inappropriate as a game for dissecting live baby harp seals. (Okay, that's a bit extreme, but you get the point.)

Read a book for chrissakes. At least books have zombies.

Aaaaaand, this is why dating dentists is a bad idea

Sometimes, blasting a man on the Internet just isn't enough. He wronged you, he cheated, he wasn't as attentive as you needed him to be. Bitching and moaning on Facebook just doesn't cut it.

Just shy of Lorena Bobbit, is Anna Mackowiak. (Although, I would have chosen the Bobbit route, but whatevs.) While her cheating, POS, low-life boyfriend lay sleeping in the chair, complaining of a simple toothache, she removed every last one of his cheating, lying, no-good teeth.

Apparently, toothless dudes aren't something the mistress is into either. Game, set, and match, asshole.

Anna may be facing jail time and revocation of her license, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a shit. And I kinda love her for that.

Now, where are my pliers...?

Someone in the marketing department needs to be fired

Sunglasses are easy to sell: make them fashionable, affordable, and accessible. Everyone loves sunglasses. Summer = shades. Very simple.

Celebrity endorsements are another way to get your shades out to the public, but choosing a (dead) blind, deaf, and mute woman is not really the most sensitive way to do it. Even Sarah Palin would have been a more "vision" conscious choice. And wouldn't have offended near as many people.

Fortunately, this campaign was run in China, where the buzz is much more about Kim Kardashian's last pedicure than about pissing off American consumers.

(OMG - they're are super cute...)

Remember when there was life before the Internet?

Back in the day we had to call each other to spread gossip, have cool friends to hear about the latest bands, and read these things called "books" to get information. Wow, those were tough times.

Before chat rooms, before YouTube could teach you everything, and even before Facebook (really?!), there were LOLCats. Not the Cheezburger cats, but LOLCats. Everyone's favorite meme was once distributed by post. Like with stamps and stuff. Crazy, huh?

Fire your dogwalker, I guess

Great news for those of us who aren't lucky enough to be independently wealthy, or a stripper, or some other big money career that let's you be home during daylight. If you're wondering how to keep your inside dog entertained while you're out all day making dough to buy dog biscuits, search no more: Dog TV is on the air...er, Internet. (They're hoping to get a national distribution deal, but they're only on the air in California right now.)

The 24/7 doggy cable channel isn't full of shows about cute puppies and training tips. It's full of images of the mail man, playing children, and nature scenes - shot from a dog's perspective. Apparently, the score was composed with dogs in mind also. (How that works, I can't begin to imagine...)

So rather than kenneling your furry friends, or hiring some jaded hipster to drag them around the block twice a day, you can park them in front of the TV. Just like you do with your kids...