Jordan: the Final Frontier

Okay, I'll admit it. I was a Trekkie. When I was younger, I watched Star Trek a LOT. Especially The Next Generation. I loved the technology and the drama and the characters. There was intrigue and sexual tension, coupled with phasers and doors that made amusing noises.

My roommate (who claims he's not a Trek fan despite watching it daily), has the greatest blog ever: Star Trek Hugs. There's a lot of squishy intimacy in that show that's gone largely unnoticed.

Someone who HAS noticed how great the Star Trek franchise is, is the King of Jordan: King Abdullah II. He's planning to construct a $1.5 Billion Star Trek theme park. He's even made a cameo appearance (he's the guy with the blue shoulders) in a TNG episode. I'm sure Jordan's tourism could use a boost. This just might be the answer.

The park will contain hotels, restaurants, and theaters. Its 183 acres will highlight Star Trek features as well as Jordan's natural history. Neat, huh?

This is why firefighters are total badasses

I freak out when the temp gets over 90 degrees, so being a firefighter was never in the cards for me. Plus all that running up and down stairs and stuff. Totally not happening.

So when this video surfaced, I was even more impressed with firefighters than I already was. A car *explodes* immediately in front of this guy, and he just carries on. No prob, just puttin' out a fire. How amazingly brave is that?!

Xmas is coming. (Shut up, I know it's August.)

It's never too early to start planning for my presents. I've had a wishlist on Amazon forever that no one bothers to go looking for, so maybe someone reading my blog will get some decent hints this year.

While I usually slam Hammacher Schlemmer for selling completely idiotic gadgets for the rich and bored, (like power nap capsules, personal hot dog carts, and cordless gravy boats) this is one I can get behind. So what if it costs more than my car? Okay, 2 of my car. Maybe 3. I need this. I would build a garage for this. Possibly a shrine.

Sad thing is, I still haven't seen the Tron re-make. Time to hit the Netflix.

Sushi for your sweet tooth

One of the greatest foods ever is the Peep. Tiny, adorable chick shaped marshmallows that only appear at your local convenience store in the Spring. Not only are they cute, they're entertaining. Try Peep wars: put 2 peeps on a plate, arm them with toothpicks, and throw them in the microwave. The Peep that survives is the winner.

When my brother (who is 10 years younger) was little, he used to refer to Peeps as "Chicken Sugar." The most apt description ever. Not sure why he didn't grasp "Peep," but "Chicken Sugar" has stuck for years. So check out some Chicken Sugar sushi. While it's fodder for "This is Why You're Fat," it's awful sweet. And great for those of us that don't eat swimmy food.

There are only so many avocado rolls a girl can eat.

SCIENCE! It wins again. (NSFW)

Science has given us many things: the iPad, gene mapping, cheap beer, the combustion engine, aerosol cheese, etc. Now it gives us a great argument for dudes to get chicks naked. As though the science of alcohol vs hormones wasn't enough.

The Brits have done it again! The Royal Journal of Social Anthropology has published that women who wear less clothes live 20 YEARS longer than those who are more modest. Less clothes, more years. I'm not sure this argument will work on the average bar fly, but it's certainly worth a shot.

Cover albums are always "iffy"

But there are a few that really do justice to the artists. Notably: "We're a Happy Family," the Ramones cover album is amazing. Care to hear Marylin Manson cover "The KKK Took my Baby Away"? You should.

Another cover album I'm fully endorsing is this one: "The Green Album." Those catchy tunes from childhood favorite films and shows, re-imagined by incredible artists like OK-Go, and Weezer, are must-hear music. Andrew Bird's "It's Not Easy Being Green" will bring you to tears.

Sweater weather is upon us

Although the US has been experiencing an unusual heat wave, we're sneaking toward the fall. Hopefully, Memphis will get one this year. We skipped right over spring, so maybe we'll get a nice extended fall as a karmic reward for 3 months of heat indexes over 100 degrees.

So when "sweater weather" finally hits, I'm prepared. Excellent hoodie collection? Check! Skinny jeans and cute boots? Check! "Squeezers" for inevitable cold weather weight gain? You bet.

Although I'm not nerdy enough to cough up $450 for an R2-D2 sweater, can't lie, it's pretty damn neat.

If bunnies had thumbs (and iPhones)

They would certainly purchase this.

I have a nifty, blingy iPhone case, but this one is awful tempting. It's even got a fuzzy little tail! Teh cute. It haz it. Available in 5 unnatural bunny colors.

Let's circle back and address this synergy

While I'm fluent in "corporate speak," I hate it. Seems to me that people need to say what they mean to say without disguising simple thoughts with clusters of words that may or may not exist. It's almost as though people with grandiose titles think that sputtering nonsense conceals the fact that they don't really know what they're talking about.

Here are some of my least favorites:
Surplussed - a fairly polite way to describe being fired
Deck - PowerPoint presentation
Cross-training - learning another employee's job so you can pile on to your already crushing workload in case they go on leave, or are "surplussed"
Apples-to-Apples - comparing like sets of data
Leverage - to use a resource
Recontextualize - examine an organization's place in a business environment (Is that even a word??)
Drill down - examine in more detail

For your edification, see this comprehensive list, and add your own hated corporate speak.

Need a hug?

Yeah, sometimes I have those days when I just need someone to pat me on the head, give me a big hug, and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Fortunately, artist Keetra Dean Dixon has come up with a solution that not only satisfies my need to be hugged, but also eliminates the search for someone to hug me.

Part of an exhibit that fosters "social facilitation and mood elevation," this hugging wall takes the anonymous type of Facebook interaction, and melds it with personal space. Just hug me.

Everyone's on pills now

Seems like every mental problem can be solved with pills. Your kid has too much imagination? Must be ADHD. Pills! You have trouble getting out of the bed in the morning? Must be depression. Pills! You can't get it up like you could when you were 17? Couldn't possibly be your age, must be ED. Pills!

Psychiatric drugging has infected the masses. And Hollywood is no different. I'm sure there are hundreds of starlets sucking down Xanax to cut the "edge" off, and aging leading men popping Cialis like candy to keep up with their 20-year-old mid-life crises...er, I mean, "girlfriends."

It appears that Disney is not immune to this craze. Our friends in the Hundred Acre Wood are just as prone to bouts of sadness and mania as the rest of us. Someone has released their psychiatric records...

Soylent green is PEOPLE!

Sorry for the spoiler, but it's true.

Considering the economy, and the rising cost of generic Spaghtetti-Os, I might eat these. With goat cheese, and a nice Pino.

This might actually get me into running

I'm not a runner. I've never been a runner. I mysteriously "had cramps" every time we had to run a mile in gym in high school. Fortunately, my gym teacher was a dude that cringed at the word "cramp" and didn't require any further explanation. I could make the 1/4 mile track once before my smoking, drinking bod (which was actually in comparatively good shape at the time) would ache. F this.

Now I don't run because I'd spill my beer.

But this 5K is definitely geared for people like me. I'd definitely drop the beer and ignore the cramps to escape a zombie attack.  I wonder if they let you bring shotguns...?

Ignore THIS, jerk!

My motorcycle hasn't run for months (totally my fault for letting it sit), and I'm anxious to get back to riding. I still need to change the oil and gas, but those are easy fixes. Maybe throw on some cafe bars (easy fix I can con someone else into doing for me *wink*).

But what I'm not looking forward to is being on the road with other drivers. I ride a bright blue motorcycle, I'm pasty-pale white and covered in tattoos, I have a Captain America helmet (like the one from "Easy Rider")...HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE ME?!?!

I've been cut off in traffic by pickup trucks that could take the back end off my Charger and aggressively merged on by Civics going fast enough to blow me into the next county. But I think I've found the solution: this is sure to get me noticed. I dare you to ignore me and my 2-wheeled, recycled alien. Bwahaha!

I wonder if State Farm ensures extraterrestrials?

You killed my father, prepare to die

"The Princess Bride" is one of the best movies ever made. Don't argue with me on this one, you know it's true. Whether you have a nostalgic attachment to it, or a crush on Carey Elwes, it's a great film. Romance, action, fantasy, you name it. This one has it all.

Why not show your appreciation on your dashboard? I'm terribly tempted. It will sit proudly next to my GPS.

Inconceivable!!

Love vs. Fat. Fat wins.

Aah, true love. Elusive, often painful, confusing, and certainly the most sought emotion. When others can't provide the love you need, where do you turn? Liquor? Porn? Chat-roulette? The Mall? Everyone wants true love, but not everyone can have it.

The Oatmeal has another suggestion. And for my money, I'm on board with this plan, 100%. And everyone can get bacon.

Go out with a BANG!

I've joked for years, that when I die, I want to be cremated, and have my ashes dumped (unceremoniously) into Lake Michigan. Sweet Home. Other thoughts have occurred to me though. I heard that you can have your body sent to Japan to be skinned and framed. Considering the number of large tattoos I have, it might be a neat (read: "creepy") way to haunt my eventual children. Imagine "Mom" hanging over the fireplace.

There are tons of other ways to have an unconventional memorial: get shot into space, create a bizarre casket, make a diamond from your ashes, and be enshrined in a coral reef. But I think I've officially settled on this one.

What better way to celebrate your life than with a badass party in death!? Rather than being strewn into the lake I grew up next to, I want to have a raging kegger on the shores of Lake Michigan. No need to pollute the lake with my remains, just send them up in flames. Vikings would totally be jealous.

Office accessories for REAL people

Not a day goes by that I don't feel like I need a drink at the office. It's a non-stop ride from 7:30am to 5pm. Fires to put out, issues to address, data to analyze, etc. Believe me, I'm not complaining, I function best in high-stress situations. If I don't have something to work on for even 5 minutes, I get bored, you lose my attention, and I'm off in LaLa Land (and surfing Careerbuilder.com).

But if I had one of these little gizmos around 3:30, rather than some sludgy coffee, I might be a little more relaxed in the afternoons. "You want something? Suuuuuure!" Rechargeable, and perfectly sized for your cubicle. I think it will fit neatly between my In Box and my monitor.

Just sayin'. (This is either a testament to my high-stress/activity workplace, or an admission of alcoholism. Jury's out.)

Russia hits a new low

As though that whole "Communism" thing wasn't a big enough blow to the people of Eastern Europe, now beer is no longer considered food. While chock full of calories and hops and stuff, beers alcohol content has overtaken its nutritional content.

Rising beer sales and falling Vodka sales pushed the move by the Russian President. Despite a recent (ministry enacted) 200% tax hike, beer's popularity has been on the rise.  Effective in 2013, beer as nutrition is a thing of the past.

So raise a frosty mug to our Russian comrades. Na zdorovie! So sorry for your loss. I wish they made a Hallmark card for this.

Stained glass ain't just for churches

I'm INCREDIBLY proud to admit that I'm friends with a brilliant artist: Brandon Barker.

This guy is a great human being, awesome friend, and innovative artist. And his fiance is BEYOND sweet. Years ago, I met Brandon while I was working at a bar he *used to* work at. He was also an EMT, tryin' to make a buck and survive in Chicago. Some of my favorite stories of EMT work involve bitching about hauling 400-lb people down 3 flights of stairs. (I hear ya, pal. Lotsa sympathy.)

But Brandon is now working toward a degree in what he truly needs no degree in: art. Especially, comic art. Check out the inner workings of the mind of the inimitable Mr. Barker at his site, or see the amazing stained glass interpretations of famous comic covers on LOTS of buzz-worthy sites.