Free ammo!

When I wake on December 25th, I hope a fat guy in a bad outfit has broken into my house and left this in my sock.

Yes.

For the Golddiggers out there (NSFW)

And for the heart-broken who've fallen victim to cash over love.

There's nothing like a man that loves you for you, and all of your faults. Money and glamour are fleeting. Love, real love, lasts forever and sustains a woman more than Gucci and Prada. Purses will go out of fashion, shoes will perish with wear, but a man that loves you is priceless.

Classic!

Accessories for hunting...well, really life in general

Let them know who they're dealing with right from the start.

This says: "I'm a multi-tasker. I can drink beer AND mow the lawn without losing a second."

This says: "I mean business. Party is a VERB in my world."

This says: "Too lazy to get out of my lawn chair, and too fast to care."

Dedication. In cammo.

Flying the friendly skies just got awkward

I'm not a good flyer. I need sedatives and whiskey to take off, and a good, solid buzz to navigate/tolerate airports. Additionally, airplanes have gotten noticeably smaller since I was 10. (Or maybe I've gotten noticeably larger. Whatever.)

And airport security doesn't help the experience: strip and hope you're not "randomly selected" for a bag check, because you have exactly 2 hours to wade through a sea of humanity, avoid that random fudge shop, and find your gate, that has inevitably been re-located clear across the airport.

$500 dollars later (including fudge shop), you're jammed into a cylindrical vehicle that smells like Grandma's house, and has upholstery from 1977, with safety instruction card to match. There's no clear rules on who gets which arm rest, you're inevitably stuck next to a ginormous fat guy that snores, and god-forbid you get the aisle seat: what you think will give you a little extra room will also get you hit by the drink cart.

And where the hell are my pretzels??

So, flying, expensive and aggravating already, may soon get even more uncomfortable. Great. I'm tired, aggravated, broke, squished in, scentually assaulted, and now my pants are jammed up into my lady-gear for the next two hours. Great.

And the airlines wonder why they're losing money...

Food imitates art

I LOVE Threadless tees. Not only do I have friends that work there, but their designs are from independent graphic artists with a incredible sense of style. AND they actively engage their customers in choosing designs, and participating in company events. Actually, I'm kind of jealous of the friends that work there. I think it would be a great company to be a part of.

Also: they have spectacular sales just before Xmas. Just about everyone I know gets a unique tshirt at the holidays.

In addition to great shirts, they also have fantastic contests. Apparently, they have a contest to create cakes from their shirt designs. One fellow blogger made a "Crazy Cake" that mirrors one of my favorite shirts. Major kudos to the Crazy Cake Company for the delicious re-creation!

Show them you Nem-oh face

Aah, Halloween. That time of year when little kids are finally allowed to take extraordinary amounts of candy from strangers, we intentionally cover our houses with spider webs, and women suddenly find the greatest excuse to dress like an absolute tramp.

The years have shown us just exactly how far this "sexy" creativity can be stretched: sexy Harry Potter, sexy Ghostbuster, sexy nun, sexy Freddie Kruger, and countless other tasteless and inappropriate options. Some things were meant to stay un-sexy.

One of those things is fish. Okay, seriously?? Wow.

Neurotic stuffed animals

Life imitates art. Or toys imitate life. Whatever. The "Paranoid Crocodile" is my favorite.

Energize your camp fire

I'm a big fan of coffee. Or rather, I'm a big fan of beer, and so my coffee fanaticism Monday through Friday is usually brought on by a headache. (Actually, it's medically proven fact that caffeine is good for headache pain relief.)

So what if the caffeine had a more pleasing delivery system? Let's face it: coffee tastes like hell without calorie rich additives, and those super-charged energy drinks aren't too much better.

Problem solved! Not only are they caffeinated, they evoke the spirit of the Ghost Busters. Oh, Bill Murray. Sigourney Weaver was SO not right for you. Call me.

Defense Mechanisms in Nature

Evolution is a neat thing. It gave birds more effective wings, cheetahs speedier hunting skills, people better posture, and the shark absolutely nothing. Many animals with limited strength-type defenses are given other ways to keep themselves out of harm's way. Spiky fishes that puff up, lizards with silly collars, and that thing that hippos do with their tails, are great examples.

This frog has a great one. Might work for the average subway rider too.

People of Wally World

As though Wal-mart wasn't morally reprehensible on all fronts, some of their customers are too. If you don't know about this site, you should. (Makes us average folks feel much more well-adjusted.)

Wonder what she's searching for? Hostess products...?

Monster motorcycle, probably the safest vehicle on the road

I've got an AWESOME motorcycle ride planned for this weekend with a vintage club I belong to. Unfortunately, I will not be on the ride, because not only has my bike developed this quirk where it stalls itself if you go over about 30 mph, I'm scared to death of Memphis drivers.

I've had 3 friends crash their bikes in the last 6 months (although only one of them involved a car), and I don't want to be the victim of a forgotten turn signal, or grandma not paying attention while trying to figure out how to text.

I ride a bike that's older than me. Badly, I would add.

So maybe if I had this bike, I'd be a more confident rider.

Taking "woofer" too literally

The traditional stereo speaker is an unattractive little black box. Without significant expense, there's really no way around that universal truth. There have been egg-shaped attempts, tall and skinny attempts, table-top attempts, and various sleek wall-mounted attempts.

Now for something completely different. And vaguely creepy.

I kinda really want some...

Bingo!

I'm not sure why it took a scientific study to come to this conclusion.

(I wonder if anyone commented on my wall post....?)

FDA takes on the 3 eyed salmon

The FDA recently approved the first genetically modified animal for human consumption: a salmon.

While I'm not a fish person (severe shell-fish allergy, all other swimmers are guilty by association...), the Weight Watchers junkies I know are all about the low-calorie, low-fat protein. I worry for their safety. The gene inserted into the salmon is referred to as the "anti-freeze" gene. The salmon may be endangered, but is it really necessary to adjust its genes to ensure survival as a buffet item?

Apparently, the FDA is also NOT requiring vendors to claim that their fish is genetically modified, yet. The fish has been engineered to grow twice as fast as a "natural" salmon, but you don't need to know.

All of this makes veganism more attractive. (Spoken as a Baconista...consider THAT.)

Wash me!

We've all seen the occasional short bus on the highway with something lewd scribbled in the dirt on the back. The lazy co-worker's car with "wash me" fingerprinted into the rear window. Graduates with their grad year scribed into the recent relics of "mudding".

Personally, I have more dead bugs on the front of my car from a recent drive through southern Illinois that I could make an amazing sculpture of insect wings in about an hour.

Who knew this could be high art? I wonder what the artist does when it rains...

Portable Pizza

I'm a woman on the go. I have places to be and things to do and tasks to complete.

I am also (as demonstrated by my mid-section) a pizza junkie. So this little gizmo appeals to the lazy/busy in me. And also to the completely insane traffic Nazi in me. Get OFF the damn phone!! You're disrupting my pizza time.

Cute or tragic? You decide.

On my road trip to Chicago recently, I saw 2 of these on the highway. 2 totally different cars, trailered behind 2 totally different motorcycles. One matched the motorcycle dragging it completely.

Comfy...maximized

When I bought my first house, I decided to furnish it with everything I've ever wanted in the furniture department. Comfy sofas, HUGE dining room table (that I sadly never use), and a PRINCESS bed. Four poster, totally ginormous, dark wood, the whole sparkly package.

The more that I get acclimated to my house, the more I realize the princess four-poster madness was a huge mistake. I'm not that woman. I'm this woman.

*Sigh.*

Pimp my wall

I've toyed with the idea of turning my Charger into a serious hood-mobile: chrome caps on the rear view mirrors, chrome gas cap, sick 20" spinners, ridiculous pearlescent paint job, the whole nine yards. But I live in Memphis, so my Charger would become someone else's Charger pretty fast.

So these guys pimped their ride in ways I can only dream of. I'm not sure I would have chosen the same theme though. Kinda screams, "I can't cope with real interaction, so I am a pimp on the Intarwebs."

Jim Davis would laugh at this...maybe

The 80s brought us many funny moments: Gallagher, Alf, roller skating parties, Hammer pants, NKOTB...the list goes on. But the funniest by far was Garfield. The lasagna-addicted cat of a single loner. Fat, orange hilarity in skinny anthologies.

Unfortunately, Hollywood's recycling crew has made Garfield a laughing stock. Quotably, the only movie Bill Murray has ever regretted being involved with.

Well, 1 guy and some furries have reclaimed Garfield's power as comedic genius with Lasagna Cat.

Enjoy the strip, the absurd laugh track, and perverse (not perverted) music video that follows.