Tattoos hurt. No kidding.

I've spent hundreds of hours, and thousands of dollars being tattooed, and my favorite question remains: "Did that hurt?"

I usually reply with a sweet smile and, "yes, a LOT." This tends to catch people off guard. As though they weren't expecting the answer to be honest and, literally, painful.

Although, I've gotten used to the pain (sorta), it still hurts to be tattooed. Kind of like the worst papercut you've ever had, but over and over again for several hours. Apparently, someone wasn't quite as honest with this woman about what it feels like.

Tragic.

Tattoo Customer FAIL - watch more funny videos

I am the monster your man could be

Old Spice has a knack for snarky, hysterical commercials. Bruce Campbell, the king of snark, was featured in a series of commercials while wearing a Heff-style smoking jacket. Ray Lewis, morphs into a musky "champion," creating the "Smell of the NFL."

Now Sesame Street has spoofed the latest "Guy Your Guy Could Smell Like" series. Signs that your ad campaign is a success: it's co-opted for children's edu-tainment. Now learn about the preposition "on" with your favorite blue monster:

Puppy identity crisis

As though Halloween doesn't turn the average librarian into a sex kitten for 24 hours, now we can torture our animals for the evening by wrestling them into costumes of other animals.

I refer to my older dog as a piggy, mostly because she snorts her approval. Maybe this for 10/31...

World tour in 8 minutes (NSFW)

I moved to Memphis from Chicago 4 years ago, and had a big culture shock. Not only is the food and the racial climate incredibly different, the accent took some getting used to. Over the first year, I learned how to use terms like, "fixin' to," and "yard bird," in casual conversation. My favorite to date is, "sumbitch." (As in: "Cletus is one lazy sumbitch.")

So here is the very deadpan Jake taking on 24 accents in 8 minutes in order to entertain his mates. (That's "friends" in case you need help translating.)

Because diving off a building isn't enough

This guy is jumping from a sky-scraper, no parachute, and ON FIRE.

Regular base-jumping requires a certain degree of insanity, but this requires full on dissociation and disconnection from reality.

Werd to yer bitch

And by "bitch," I mean "Mom."

Dressing up dogs as "gangstas." Classy.

Fight depression with porno!

A 79-year-old University of Michigan Law School grad, and NY resident, claimed that he was taking a holistic approach to treating his depression after a long separation, by purchasing porn and engaging the services of hookers.

Not only was his sexual activity a self-proclaimed "treatment" for depression, he was also claiming it as a MEDICAL EXPENSE on his taxes! Between 2002 and 2004, he deducted almost $250,000 for these "treatments." (That's a lotta hookers and porn...)

While he deserves laud for creativity, the government does not see things his way. The NY Supreme Court ruled that these are not valid tax deductions.

I wonder if I can deduct my beer and cigarette expenses as "mental health" treatments...?

Damn rich people

Ever wanted to impress your friends with your frivolous disregard for financial self-control? Ever wondered what it would be like to play Wii-fit in your best tux?

Well, wonder no more! A 24 karat gold Wii console can be yours for the reasonable sum of $478,372.02. From Stuart Hughes, making dreams come true for the price of 20 Dodge Chargers.

Apparently, the Queen has one. Why are you so behind the trends?

This is why your rabbit craps in your hand every time you pick it up

My mom used to buy clothes for my dogs. She thought it was funny, I thought it was tragic. But I made the best effort to wrestle two pit bulls into their argyle sweaters and send her photos of their misery.

Apparently, some people torture their bunnies in the same way.

Bushbabies make excellent appetizers

Those Saturday morning hunting and fishing shows have nothing on this.

Click the link and VOTE!

The Mighty Hunter - watch more funny videos

It's official, hell has frozen over

Apparently, I'm behind the times. "Glee" is like the hottest thing on TV and I haven't seen a single episode. And now it's the hottest thing on the Billboard charts.

How is that a TV series about a high school chorus can surpass the BEATLES in ratings? I never knew choir was that cool. Wow.

Luke, I am your...Sugar Daddy??

You know it's October when you can't park within 200 yards of Party City. Everyone's in there fighting over the last, prepacked, plastic Twilight costume, imported from China no doubt.

I like dressing up like a screwball as much as the next girl (probably more) but when did Halloween transition from excuse to load up on candy from strangers, to an excuse to dress like a "themed" street walker? I thought that was supposed to be reserved for Conventions.

This year, I'm just going to buy myself a pair of kitty ears and call it a day.

Blowing stuff up with condiments

I'm grouchy as hell. My motorcycle died AGAIN a mile-and-a-half from home. I pushed it about 4 blocks before I decided that leaving it on the street somewhere was probably smarter (easier). It was shooting fire from the exhaust pipe when I decided it was a lost cause.

So, after walking all the way home, I got in the car and went to the liquor store...

I'm ready to blow something up in utter frustration. I discovered during conversation with friends this evening, that non-dairy creamer is EXTREMELY flammable. Yup, that crap you dump in your coffee to make that sludgy liquid at the office more bearable can be used to start your furnace. (Although, that's probably not a great idea.)

Serious about sausage (NSFW)

This is a REAL call to customer service at Jimmy Dean about the decision to re-size their packaging from 16oz to 12oz. The real funny starts after he thinks he's hung up...

There's some "language."

Ever wonder what your pets do when you're not home?

Personally, I don't want to know.

But our friends at Mattel seem to think it's important for your dog to "Tweet." A special collar and a Twitter account for your pet (Christ, everyone has them these days) are all that's required to see your dog's activities and emotions printed online.

Here's how I imagine my dog's Twitter feed would look:

8:00am - sleeping in the bed

10:30am - drinking from the toilet

10:45am - bored, going back to sleep

Noon - waking up to chew my ass

12:15pm - sleeping on the sofa

2:30pm - wandering around, sniffing stuff

2:45pm - barking at leaves blowing across the front porch

4:00pm - napping, tired from barking

5:00pm - barking at people coming home from work

5:30pm - eating

6:30pm - napping, tired from eating

8:30pm - barking at more leaves blowing across the porch

8:15pm - chewing something I shouldn't (and my ass again)

8:30pm - napping

10:00pm - barking at dogs in the yard next door

10:30pm - sleeping, it's been a rough day

Get closer to your significant other

I have an anniversary coming up: 2 years of dating the same wonderful guy. The traditional second anniversary gift is linens so this is oddly appropriate.

Badass baked goods

Ever wish your cup cakes had a little more attitude? Maybe your cookies are a little uncool. Perhaps your pies need a personality adjustment.

Artists at "Blame the Moon" (on Etsy) have given your dessert food some 'tude. And, in some cases, weapons.

Bacon is not a toy

Sometimes, bacon can go too far. A powerful tool for flavor enhancement, bacon has been utilized for everything: lip balm, sandwich spreads, booze, jewelry, and countless other life saving technological advancements.

But with great bacon, comes great responsibility. These guys have taken it too far. Bacon and explosives do NOT mix. For shame. Perfectly good bacon wasted on ill-planned experimentation. At least there's a catchy tune to go along with the demise of these divine pork products.

So wrong, and yet, so right

Jam as much protein and calories into one package AND make it cute. This is why you haven't seen your feet since 1987. (Or had a date, for that matter.)

Budgeting woes

I sat thinking tonight, while having my second 3/4 sleeve tattooed on me, how much money I would have if I wasn't a tattoo enthusiast. I'm sure I would have a spare $4,000 or so per year. Then I got to thinking about how ridiculous it is that I will cough up all this money for tattoos, but won't pay more than $15 for a pair of new dress pants.

I always have a spare pack of cigarettes but never have any food in the house. I will spend gobs of dough on a motorcycle and all the requisite accessories, but can't be bothered to fix the windshield wipers on my car which haven't worked right in months. How did my priorities get so bass-ackwards?

So, on the subject of stupid crap to blow ludicrous amounts of dough on: this. Nothing says "my crotch has something to tell you" like a scrolling LED belt buckle. Volume discounts too!