Why do all dogs hate the mailman?

My dogs are...idiots. One is deaf and the other is stupid, so neither listen to me. But they're total marshmallows. The least vicious pit-mixes you've ever met. They just want to be loved. A combined total of 140 LBS of lap dogs.

About 3 years ago, my house was robbed while I was at work. I was traumatized, but the dogs were fine. I'm sure they thought whoever was breaking in was here to bring them treats. But if you're on my front porch, they HATE you. As long as you're not in the house, it's pit bull mohawk time. Barking and frothing at the mouth. Once one foot is in the door, they just want to sniff your butt.

While guests are greeted with teeth and loudness, the one person that's most hated is the mailman. Both dogs freak out when they see the blue-suited mail carrier wander up to the mailbox. I keep meaning to leave a not apologizing for their behavior on the porch. I'm not alone on this one. Every other dog owner I know claims that the mailman is the most hated by even the most docile dogs.

So, what happens when your dog can't see the mailman? How do they chase/menace government employees if they're blind? Apparently, a guide goose is the way to go. Totally not kidding.

Maybe, I can get one of the rats living in my back yard to teach my dogs to sit. Hmm, probably not.

Being unemployed sucks.

Not so much due to the lack of dough, but really due to the utter boredom. I've been out of a job since 3/24/2011, and I can't reorganize my sock drawer enough times, or suck up any more Law & Order on TV. I could probably paint some stuff to sell. I could volunteer. But that requires effort. Blargh.

So, the hundreds of applications I've sent out have gone unanswered. So far. And I'm thinking I need to lower my standards: drop from CareerBuilder to Craigslist. Double-blargh.

I wonder where this guy is posting? I'd be down for some time travel. Have gun, willing to relocate.

Honey Badger

Very informative. If you don't know, then now you know.

What are you drinking?

Or more specifically, "who?" Several documentaries over the last 10 years or so have exposed the fact that most of the food we consume can be tied back to only 4 or 5 major companies, and is ultimately WAY over processed (read: "more disgusting than advertised"). Notably, Food Inc, Fast Food Nation, and Super Size Me exposed a lot of what goes on in the food industry.

But what about the beverage industry? We (well, mostly Americans) slug Diet Coke like it's water, pound down bottled water with reckless abandon, and drink things called "juice" that don't actually contain anything mildly resembling fruit. Where does it come from?

This info graphic (click link for a large version) reveals who's manufacturing your sipping supplies.

This roller coaster is killer!

No, really. By slowly, gracefully, and euphorically depriving your brain of oxygen, the design by Julijonas Urbonas (Bless us Lugens!) is designed to "humanely" euthanize the rider.

Don't expect this one at your local Six Flags, but I do predict a surge of amusement parks popping up next to prisons.

Load up your basket

It's time for Easter again. Spring cotton dresses, chocolate bunnies, that green "Easter grass" stuff that gets absolutely everywhere, and colored eggs hidden in the yard. And the best part about Easter: Peeps! Oh, and some stuff about Jesus.

Peeps, while delicious on their own, are also fun. My brother, when he was little, used to call them "Chicken Sugar." An apt description for the Spring snack. One of my favorite activities this time of year is "Peep Wars": put 2 Peeps on a plate, facing each other, arm each of them with a toothpick, and toss them in the microwave on high for a minute. The one that doesn't explode, wins.

But the Washington Post has found a more productive use for Peeps: the Annual Peep Diorama Contest. In which, people use Peeps to depict famous scenes and people. Enjoy!

The way to a man's heart...

...is definitely through his stomach. (Well, and other regions slightly south of there.) Clearly, the way to *my* heart is through my cholesterol.

Step-by-step instructions on how to make bacon roses, sure to win over any Baconista. And absolve you of just about anything you could have conceivably done wrong.

Sigh.

Hacienda with class

There are many creative, out-of-the-box ways to spruce up your crib: paper lamps, crazy metal sculptures, unusual furniture, bizarre art.

One of the most neglected rooms in your abode, at least as far as decorating decisions, is the bathroom. Which is ironic, considering how much "personal" time you spend in there. You'd think we'd be driven to make the loo the most interesting room in the house.

So, the fine folks at Terra Artesana have solved your problem. Put some class under your ass.

This one is called "Caliente."

The most useful chart you will ever read

I have no regrets. No, seriously! Everything I have ever screwed up or grossly botched in some way has served as a learning experience. Whether relationships or jobs or family issues, I think I stand on solid ground. But if I could prioritize the things in my life that still kinda got under my skin, this chart would absolutely cover it.

And I thought Amazon was the epicenter of online shopping...

Well, I have been proven wrong. While I can get just about everything I want on Amazon.com, including weapons grade uranium, there are some items that warrant their own place on the Internet.

There are places with even more necessities on the web:

Think Geek! - nerdery, geeketry, dorktasia, and weirdo gear abound.

Neato Shop - "Neat" doesn't even begin to cover the crazy, "who the hell thought of that" items in this online store.

Threadless - You've never had a shirt this cool. In fact, the shirt may be cooler than you.

Perpetual Kid - The best place on the Internet to squander your allowance.

Archie McFee - Home of the Jesus Action Figure. 'Nuff said.

And finally, Stupid.com - the name says it all.

While these sites don't offer the "Prime" program that Amazon does, they're definitely worth a look.

Holy house

Being a homeowner has been a non-stop roller coaster. From the joy of knowing I will always have a place to live, no matter what happens, to the abject horror of watching my dining room ceiling come crashing down and realizing I have no landlord to call about it.

I've always had a fantasy about buying a gas station or commercial building and rehabbing it into a single family home. But after getting in to my house (4 years ago) and discovering how much I dislike even painting walls, that dream has flown. Plus rehabbing is expensive! Just taking out a wall cost me like 10 car payments.

Well, these folks are clearly better off than I. And more dedicated and ambitious. They took a church and turned it into a striking, modern abode. I'm totally J...

Might be moving to Venezuela

They have jungles, beaches, diamonds, rivers, a reasonable GDP, and the "most gifted" men in the world. See how your country stacks up with this interactive map.

While one of the most urbanized countries in South America, it's also the wang capital of the Western Hemisphere. Excellent excuse to learn Spanish.

Not sure how to feel about this...

Creativity, athleticism, and taxidermy collide. I'm baffled, and disturbed. And curious in that "train wreck" kind of way. Who's bored enough to put this together?

Oh. Em. Gee. Teh cuteness.

I usually try to keep my blog posts to things ironic, ridiculous, and useful in the most specific situations. But today, I was introduced to the most amazingly cute thing I have ever seen: Basset Hounds running.

Not only are they sweet dogs in general, they're also hysterically floppy. These photos are evidence. My "Meep!" meter is on high right now...

Amateur Night 2011

Tomorrow is the big day. The day when everyone in the US ties on too many green beers in celebration of some guy that may have alleviated a snake problem 1000s of miles away. The one day of the year where a serious drinking problem will go largely unnoticed. St. Patrick's Day.

While the historical significance of March 17th is up for debate, the social significance is irrefutable: get wasted. I wouldn't be surprised if national productivity takes a sharp down turn on March 18th.

A few hints that will keep you out of trouble tomorrow:

1. Pinch me. I fucking dare you. How will that green shirt look with a black eye?

2. Avoid calling midgets "leprechauns." This is never acceptable.

3. Beer is not supposed to be green. Don't be fooled by the festiveness.

4. Just because you drank up the courage to talk to that hot girl in the shamrock pasties, doesn't mean that you should try to muster the courage to drive home.

5. Ladies: keep it in check. Gingers are not okay.

6. Don't be a jackass. Tip your bartender VERY well for putting up with this foolishness. And if you don't, don't be surprised when he/she rips those shamrock antenna off your head and jams them in your eye.

Personally, I will be getting myself schnockered at home. Not willing to brave the roads with the hoards of geniuses bar-hopping against snakes, or celebrating the invention of whiskey, or whatever else.

Good luck out there. Be safe.

Well, nuts. I missed it again.

Yesterday was Pi Day. (3/14) Millions of nerds all over the world got drunk in their Pi gear, and I stayed home and watched crappy TV.

Here's some Pi gear for your entertainment. Kinda loving the Pi bowl...

Man's VERY best friend

Dogs provide comfort, and companionship, and love. From the tiniest Chihuahua to the largest Great Dane, they're like little space heaters in the winter and your best confidantes when you're sad and no one gets it. And even when they crap in the dining room, you can't help but love their little, fuzzy selves.

I have two pit mixes that are like my kids. I would sell my house to keep them healthy, even though they drive me nuts.

So, perhaps we can make our best friends, although some may be dumb as a sack of hammers, super useful. If I can teach them to open the fridge and re-load, I would see them in a very different light. "Sit" is pretty tough, so I'm not holding my breath.

Home defense

Some opt for guns, others opt for ADT, but what do you do when that isn't enough? When a hoard of zombies start flowing through your bedroom window, what do you do?

Designer James McAdam has the solution. Not only is it a stylish bed-side table, it's also a weapon of zombie destruction.

Remember: aim for the head.

Oh no you din't...

Ooh, girl. This site's tragic.

Cholesterol vs. Food

I HATE the "Man vs. Food" guy. Only in America can you make a career of being a complete glutton AND get your own, highly rated TV show. I give the guy another 10 years before his face-stuffing fame catches up with his body and he has an emergency bypass.

So, if you have ambitions of becoming the next TV taster with a death wish, here are 83 ideas, listed by state, to get you started. Sadly, Memphis's own "Kooky Kanuck" is not on the list despite the gut busting "Great Kookamonga" challenge that gets you immortalized in photo in their entryway.