And Americans wonder why we're the fattest nation on Earth...

Not only are groceries in general expensive (I work in this industry, I know), GOOD groceries are even more expensive. Sadly, absolute crap food is much more affordable than food that's actually good for you. The next time you see a fat person using food stamps, remember that. It's a sad fact that a double cheeseburger from McDonald's is cheaper than a Lean Cuisine.

New in the world of "fast food we don't EVER need to consume:" The Doritos Taco at Taco Bell. The yellow corn tortilla shell is replaced by a Doritos flavored crunchy thing that will inevitably kill you and cause some needless, class-action law suit ("I didn't know it was going to make me fat!").

Eat up, friends. At least Taco Bell is catering to their target audience: drunk drivers.

Tramps and Dinos - kinda NSFW

No, really. I don't know who Don Glut is, but he's got some hot friends and a pretty rad dinosaur collection. Yet more proof positive that you can get absolutely anything you need on the Internet.

Valentine's Day FAIL

Roses are sweet, chocolates are too. Even a card is a great V-Day gift for your lady.

But this is totally unacceptable. TOTALLY.

Pussy hair

This is beyond wrong. If "wrong" was the Milky Way, the cast of Star Trek would have to find this via some kind of wormhole.

It takes 20 minutes to wrestle a pit bull into an argyle sweater (I know from experience). How many Xanax does it take to get a cat into a wig?

You have to EARN it, boys

I've been on a dating spree lately. It has not gone well...

The guy that talked about himself for several hours, the misanthorpe, the guy whose OkCupid photos were VERY deceptive, the genius that discovered 30 minutes before our date that he didn't have any dough, and a host of other gents that really didn't deserve my time in the first place.

Guys: take it from me, you have to come correct.  There are things that women, even highly independent women like myself, need:

-you need to be interested in us, ask questions, we like that.
-you need to be a gentleman, even if we're not terribly good at being a lady.
-you need to be responsible. Keep control of your finances. Because if you can't keep up with that, what else can you not keep up with?
-you need to be attentive.
-you need to be honest, to a fault. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a liar.
-you need to follow through on your promises.
-you need to communicate! What do you want, what do you need? If you don't tell us, we don't know.
-you need to be able to make a decision: where would you like to have dinner? What do you want to do tonight? Stop asking for our opinion, if we've got an issue we'll tell you.
-you need to have a lot of confidence. If you don't love yourself, how are we ever going to love you?

There's about a billion other things that make a man attractive to a woman, but these are the basics. If there was a training course, merit badges and all, this artist would need to design them.

ATTN Spoiled brats: Facebook will bust you every time.

We're SUPER connected these days: smart phones, social media, video sharing, online job networking, Internet dating, etc. What many fail to understand is that the "you" that is on the Internet is permanent and searchable. Searchable by employers, friends, prospective dates, law enforcement, and parents.

So kids, if you say something foul, or think you're "hard," or post booty photos, or brag about smoking a bunch of herd, someone's going to see it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. And it'll bite you right in the ass.

Watch the whole video, but the aforementioned "ass-biting" happens about minute 7.

Paula Deen better watch her ass.

The butt (haha) of many jokes about excessive butter use, Paula Deen has a reputation for ignoring calories in favor of authentic flavor. Her Tunica buffet features various side items swimming in butter, and just about everything you can conceivably deep fry. But ol' girl has some competition.

Meet the boys of "Epic Meal Time." If you can coat it in bacon, they've done it. Even if you can't coat it in bacon, they have figured out how to do it, and deep fried the sucker too. It borders on disturbing actually. Enjoy! But buy a gym membership after watching.

Tagline? "We make your dreams come true, then we eat them."

Teenagers can be human beings. Who knew?

Those obnoxious high schoolers making a scene on public transportation, making out at the mall, and driving like morons; turns out they have feelings. And periodically behave better than some adults.

It's 2012, gone (at least legally) are the days of racial and gender discrimination. People with disabilities are just as valuable as the rest of us, and once we hop over the hurdle of gay rights (fingers crossed!), we're sitting pretty. However, socially, there are some that are still catching up.

Nuggets of Truth: women are just as smart as men, people come in different colors and it has no effect on their intelligence, just because someone's legs don't work doesn't mean their brain is broken too, and your son enjoying fantasy video games and the color purple is not a free ticket to Ru Paul's Drag Race.

Parents: your kids are growing up in a totally different world than you did. Shoot, they're in a different environment than I was in as a kid. Show some fucking adaptability.

Art and lighting and badass design

Want! My birthday's in May if anyone wishes to get a jump start on my gift. It comes from Germany, so allow adequate time for shipping.

Maybe a little too personal

I'm not sure about you, but I really don't have any desire to have my appliances talk to me. I'm fine with the occasional beep, but a disembodied voice coming from a toaster or something is really a bit much.

So while this might be a neat idea for a doctor's office or drug testing facility, I don't think it's too many other practical applications. The last household item I want talking to me or about me is the can. It knows too much...

Additionally, they keep referring to is as "she." That's creepy as hell.

For emergencies ONLY.

Call this number now: 719-266-2837. It's not spam, it's awesome.

 

 

Nice Asimov!

I've heard my fair share of crappy pick-up lines. One of my favorites: "I think oral sex is the best, and I have some cocaine." (Long story.) It didn't work, in case you were curious.

From: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cause an angel is missing" to "What's got two thumbs and likes to do it? (This guy!)", there is no shortage of one liners guys think will make a woman swoon into their bed, if even for the evening.

It appears that someone has gotten wise to the astounding number of these lines, and complied them in a single location. Granted, there may be many others, but this is the most comprehensive I've found.

Exterminate!

I've been watching Dr. Who since 1980-something. While I'm not as up on current Doctors as I should be, I'm still a fan. Brilliant speculation about the future, c.ompelling plot lines, sexual tension, SCIENCE!, and time travel How can you not be intrigued?!

For you nubes out there, here's an expertly diagrammed history of the best Doctor in the business. Hit this link for a better image.

Not a big cat person...

But, damn, this is cute.

While cats don't generally like water, it appears that they're kinda into water creatures.

Stunning artwork, year 'round!

I have the honor of knowing an incredibly talented artist. Actually, I know many incredibly talented artists, but this is the only one putting out a calendar (so far as I know). If you need 12-months of jaw-dropping Dia de los Muertos artwork in your life, you need to act quickly. I have a Day of the Dead themed dining room, all based on one of the amazing prints she did.

The simply fabulous Ms. Natasha Mark will be happy to oblige.

History's greatest egos go head to head

I was fortunate enough to learn about this last night on a fantastic blind date (of all places!). Apparently I'm late to the dance party, considering the number of views on each video. Witness: "Epic Rap Battles of History." Possibly the greatest thing since Jib Jab.

I frequently threaten to challenge people to a break-dance fight, but I think a rap battle may be the way to go if I need to prove a point.  See my fave below...

Smiling Scrooge

Xmas makes me nuts. While I like giving gifts to my dearest loved ones, I don't like to be told when to do it. Still, I hop on the Internet, and spend a bunch of dough I don't have, every December, in the name of the holidays. I felt guilty last year because I was having a holiday party for my motorcycle club, and my brother was coming for the holiday, so I bought a tree and ornaments and stuff.

Fortunately, Target had a black Xmas tree. I suited the tastes of a guilty atheist perfectly! My roommate has offered to put up the tree this year, and I told him he could if he likes, but I really don't care.

Honestly, if this Xmas tree existed for purchase, I would buy it, and display it year-round. Godzilla lording over my living room, in tree form. Gotta love it. Then I would have the illusion that I give a shit about the holidays AND Japan.

Smithers, release the hounds!

If you're having a bad day, watch this. It will make you feel better.

If you're having a good day, this will brighten it further.

Who *doesn't* like puppies?! Geez.

If you shopped for school supplies between 1985 and 1995, you will remember this.

Lisa Frank. Yeah, I know that's a name from way back (I'm assuming the reader is over 25...), and you probably haven't thought about bug-eyed kittens, or unicorns with neon, rainbow manes in *years*. But believe it or not, she's still producing and marketing panda-shaped note pads, and magical, purple puppy folders.

For the highly nostalgic, and fashionably brave, she's even got tees for grown-ups. Not sure where you'd wear one though...

It happens to everyone. You're not alone.

We've all had it happen: un-friending. Social networking is a fickle mistress. Will you be the next victim of a "clean-up" frenzy by that girl you met at a bar 6 years ago? Your boyfriend's cousin's ex-girlfriend's news feed has suddenly disappeared from view and you miss the status updates about her cats.

Friend to us all, William Shatner, has some words of encouragement.