Infomercial fodder, for sure

I heard a news story on NPR a while back that detailed the expenses of the US Congress. Not on things like education and transportation, but general day-to-day expenses. Many expenses weren't too shocking: office supplies, electric bills, etc. But the one that got under my skin was the nearly $1 million annual expense on...wait for it...bottled water.

Seriously?! Are there no faucets in the Capitol building? The EPA standards for bottled water and tap water are exactly the same, there should really be no health concerns or safety issues. In fact, wouldn't it be easier for terrorists to poison bottled water than a whole city's drinking water?

Personally, I buy a bottle of water about once every six months. I refill that bottle until the bottle is unusable, and go get another one. At home, I drink tap water. At restaurants, I drink tap water. Actually, Memphis has great tasting water. Why cough up beer money for bottled water from some spring in west nowhere?

So when I saw this, it was maddening. Not only are some lazy enough to purchase copious quantities of bottled water, others are lazy enough to require assistance *opening* the bottles. I get arthritis patients having a tough time, but the rest of us should really nut up and open our own damn bottled water. Arik Levy, please, don't enable the masses to be any lazier than they already are.

Like watching paint dry

Or tape lose it's "sticky." Except, watching paint dry doesn't involve near this much activity.

The patient genius of Johan Rijpma is captured in this video. All it's missing is some ambient techno and some glitter. Wow!


Tape Generations from johan rijpma on Vimeo.

Planking? Hah.

"Planking" (the act of lying, face down, across an object/location and taking a photo, thinking it's funny) has run its course. Make way for the new absurd Internet phenomenon: "Batman-ing."

Any jerk can lay flat across something, but only those with sincere tibular fortitude can "Batman".  I've seen Sorority monsters plank across the hood of a cab, but those orange chicks in inappropriate shoes would never be able to hang from their ankles without leather straps and some 'ludes.

There aren't enough treats on earth

I can barely get my little furry monsters to "sit" on command. One is deaf, the other is stupid: neither pay a lot of attention. If I had a nickel for every time one of them forgot that wet paws and hardwood floors don't mix (and subsequently ran face first into the oven), I'd be a rich woman. If I had the same nickel for every pile of poop I extracted from the dining room...another story entirely. (Just as tragic.)

I guess I should email Daniel Borris for some training tips.  Or cut my losses and leave a trail of Milkbones down the driveway...

Again, I'm not the kind of person who dresses their animals

And wrestling a pit bull into a sweater takes a solid 20 minutes as well as a family pack of Advil and some surgical gauze.

Admittedly, it's hard to resist these. Combining two of my favorite things: fuzzy puppies and dinosaurs. Can you imagine a deaf pit bull with white eyes and an under-bite rocking a raptor suit? Teh cuteness. I haz it.

What would make this better? If they made dinosaur suits for tiny giraffes.

Cute? I haz it.

My dogs bark like they're being beaten if a leaf flutters across the porch. God forbid there's an actual person on the porch, they're going to try to break through the glass to get to the "new guy." (Oddly, once you have one foot in the house, they love you. You have treats, right?)

So this would never happen with my pups. They'd try to tear the face off the horse. Not because they hated it, but because the horse was bigger than them, and might take up their spots in my bed or need more treats.

Still, it's terribly sweet.

Stupidity is a helluva drug.

Ashley McDowell hit the jackpot. While at McDonald's, she was approached by 2 men that happened to have an iPad for sale. She also happened to have $180 on her. She got herself an iPad and a McDouble and went home to play with her new gadget.

Upon arriving at her residence, she pulled her new iPad from her purse and had some trouble getting it to work. Here's why: IT WAS A BLOCK OF WOOD. At least the thieves had enough sense to paint it black with an Apple logo on it.

She finally called in the dupe to the police. Who I'm sure were pissing themselves with laughter.

Jordan: the Final Frontier

Okay, I'll admit it. I was a Trekkie. When I was younger, I watched Star Trek a LOT. Especially The Next Generation. I loved the technology and the drama and the characters. There was intrigue and sexual tension, coupled with phasers and doors that made amusing noises.

My roommate (who claims he's not a Trek fan despite watching it daily), has the greatest blog ever: Star Trek Hugs. There's a lot of squishy intimacy in that show that's gone largely unnoticed.

Someone who HAS noticed how great the Star Trek franchise is, is the King of Jordan: King Abdullah II. He's planning to construct a $1.5 Billion Star Trek theme park. He's even made a cameo appearance (he's the guy with the blue shoulders) in a TNG episode. I'm sure Jordan's tourism could use a boost. This just might be the answer.

The park will contain hotels, restaurants, and theaters. Its 183 acres will highlight Star Trek features as well as Jordan's natural history. Neat, huh?

This is why firefighters are total badasses

I freak out when the temp gets over 90 degrees, so being a firefighter was never in the cards for me. Plus all that running up and down stairs and stuff. Totally not happening.

So when this video surfaced, I was even more impressed with firefighters than I already was. A car *explodes* immediately in front of this guy, and he just carries on. No prob, just puttin' out a fire. How amazingly brave is that?!

Xmas is coming. (Shut up, I know it's August.)

It's never too early to start planning for my presents. I've had a wishlist on Amazon forever that no one bothers to go looking for, so maybe someone reading my blog will get some decent hints this year.

While I usually slam Hammacher Schlemmer for selling completely idiotic gadgets for the rich and bored, (like power nap capsules, personal hot dog carts, and cordless gravy boats) this is one I can get behind. So what if it costs more than my car? Okay, 2 of my car. Maybe 3. I need this. I would build a garage for this. Possibly a shrine.

Sad thing is, I still haven't seen the Tron re-make. Time to hit the Netflix.

Sushi for your sweet tooth

One of the greatest foods ever is the Peep. Tiny, adorable chick shaped marshmallows that only appear at your local convenience store in the Spring. Not only are they cute, they're entertaining. Try Peep wars: put 2 peeps on a plate, arm them with toothpicks, and throw them in the microwave. The Peep that survives is the winner.

When my brother (who is 10 years younger) was little, he used to refer to Peeps as "Chicken Sugar." The most apt description ever. Not sure why he didn't grasp "Peep," but "Chicken Sugar" has stuck for years. So check out some Chicken Sugar sushi. While it's fodder for "This is Why You're Fat," it's awful sweet. And great for those of us that don't eat swimmy food.

There are only so many avocado rolls a girl can eat.

SCIENCE! It wins again. (NSFW)

Science has given us many things: the iPad, gene mapping, cheap beer, the combustion engine, aerosol cheese, etc. Now it gives us a great argument for dudes to get chicks naked. As though the science of alcohol vs hormones wasn't enough.

The Brits have done it again! The Royal Journal of Social Anthropology has published that women who wear less clothes live 20 YEARS longer than those who are more modest. Less clothes, more years. I'm not sure this argument will work on the average bar fly, but it's certainly worth a shot.

Cover albums are always "iffy"

But there are a few that really do justice to the artists. Notably: "We're a Happy Family," the Ramones cover album is amazing. Care to hear Marylin Manson cover "The KKK Took my Baby Away"? You should.

Another cover album I'm fully endorsing is this one: "The Green Album." Those catchy tunes from childhood favorite films and shows, re-imagined by incredible artists like OK-Go, and Weezer, are must-hear music. Andrew Bird's "It's Not Easy Being Green" will bring you to tears.

Sweater weather is upon us

Although the US has been experiencing an unusual heat wave, we're sneaking toward the fall. Hopefully, Memphis will get one this year. We skipped right over spring, so maybe we'll get a nice extended fall as a karmic reward for 3 months of heat indexes over 100 degrees.

So when "sweater weather" finally hits, I'm prepared. Excellent hoodie collection? Check! Skinny jeans and cute boots? Check! "Squeezers" for inevitable cold weather weight gain? You bet.

Although I'm not nerdy enough to cough up $450 for an R2-D2 sweater, can't lie, it's pretty damn neat.

If bunnies had thumbs (and iPhones)

They would certainly purchase this.

I have a nifty, blingy iPhone case, but this one is awful tempting. It's even got a fuzzy little tail! Teh cute. It haz it. Available in 5 unnatural bunny colors.

Let's circle back and address this synergy

While I'm fluent in "corporate speak," I hate it. Seems to me that people need to say what they mean to say without disguising simple thoughts with clusters of words that may or may not exist. It's almost as though people with grandiose titles think that sputtering nonsense conceals the fact that they don't really know what they're talking about.

Here are some of my least favorites:
Surplussed - a fairly polite way to describe being fired
Deck - PowerPoint presentation
Cross-training - learning another employee's job so you can pile on to your already crushing workload in case they go on leave, or are "surplussed"
Apples-to-Apples - comparing like sets of data
Leverage - to use a resource
Recontextualize - examine an organization's place in a business environment (Is that even a word??)
Drill down - examine in more detail

For your edification, see this comprehensive list, and add your own hated corporate speak.

Need a hug?

Yeah, sometimes I have those days when I just need someone to pat me on the head, give me a big hug, and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Fortunately, artist Keetra Dean Dixon has come up with a solution that not only satisfies my need to be hugged, but also eliminates the search for someone to hug me.

Part of an exhibit that fosters "social facilitation and mood elevation," this hugging wall takes the anonymous type of Facebook interaction, and melds it with personal space. Just hug me.

Everyone's on pills now

Seems like every mental problem can be solved with pills. Your kid has too much imagination? Must be ADHD. Pills! You have trouble getting out of the bed in the morning? Must be depression. Pills! You can't get it up like you could when you were 17? Couldn't possibly be your age, must be ED. Pills!

Psychiatric drugging has infected the masses. And Hollywood is no different. I'm sure there are hundreds of starlets sucking down Xanax to cut the "edge" off, and aging leading men popping Cialis like candy to keep up with their 20-year-old mid-life crises...er, I mean, "girlfriends."

It appears that Disney is not immune to this craze. Our friends in the Hundred Acre Wood are just as prone to bouts of sadness and mania as the rest of us. Someone has released their psychiatric records...

Soylent green is PEOPLE!

Sorry for the spoiler, but it's true.

Considering the economy, and the rising cost of generic Spaghtetti-Os, I might eat these. With goat cheese, and a nice Pino.

This might actually get me into running

I'm not a runner. I've never been a runner. I mysteriously "had cramps" every time we had to run a mile in gym in high school. Fortunately, my gym teacher was a dude that cringed at the word "cramp" and didn't require any further explanation. I could make the 1/4 mile track once before my smoking, drinking bod (which was actually in comparatively good shape at the time) would ache. F this.

Now I don't run because I'd spill my beer.

But this 5K is definitely geared for people like me. I'd definitely drop the beer and ignore the cramps to escape a zombie attack.  I wonder if they let you bring shotguns...?